SHADY MOVIE REVIEWS: Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse

Oh. Sony Pictures Animation. What the hell happened to you?

SHADY MOVIE LISTS: 2019's most unnecessary films

Yes, it's me, back from my hiatus to roast 2019 into oblivion. Just in time for the new year!

Hiatus

Hey, whoever might be reading this blog. This is just a short update post. I've been super busy in my life, things are hectic, I've got other endeavors on the go, and I just haven't had the time or inclination to update this particular blog. The creative spark is gone. The spirit is unwilling and so is the flesh. To put it bluntly, I think I'm burnt out. I've already posted more articles this year than any other year in my career. I was really on fire with this blog earlier in the year, and now... that's gone. Sorry. Can't help it.

I could have just left this blog to fester without an explanation - after all, I don't update on a schedule. But I didn't think that was fair, in case there's one person somewhere out there who actually gives a shit. So, yeah. I don't know when I'll be back. Maybe next week, maybe never.

Ciao.

SHADY MOVIE THROWBACKS: The shows of my childhood

From the ages of like, 5 to 15,  all I watched was YTV. If you're not Canadian, YTV is THE channel for kids. It has not changed virtually at all in 10 years - it still has the same programming blocks, the same host (I see you, Carlos), the same sets, the same announcer, and everything. It's absolutely insane. It's like a time capsule.

This post has little to do with movies, and not much to do with pop culture, either. Only a very small subset of people are gonna relate to all the obscure Canadian shows on this list. But that's okay, because I hope that even if you're not familiar with what I will discuss, my brilliant writing and sparkling wit will keep you reading anyhow.

SHADY'S DREADFUL MOVIE REVIEWS anouncement!

For the last few years, I've reviewed a bunch of shitty movies - especially in recent months. Now, it's practically this blog's bread and butter. Most of them are animated kids' movies and/or nostalgic movies, though I do hesitate to use the N-word because I don't particularly want to be associated with you-know-who.

In case you're new here, here's the current roster of reviews:

-Zoom: Academy for Superheroes (reviewed in 2018)
-Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over (reviewed in 2018)
-The Secret of the Hunchback (reviewed in 2018)
-The Secret of Anastasia (reviewed in 2018)
-Jupiter Ascending (reviewed in 2017, and this isn't technically a review, more me babbling on about stupid bullshit. I'll probably redo this one. There's a lot to talk about.)
-The Adventures of Sharkboy & Lavagirl in 3-D (reviewed in 2016)
-Zoom: Academy for Superheroes (reviewed in 2014, and be warned, I redid this review for a reason - it's terrible. I apologize on behalf of past me.)

Other than writing movie lists, probably my favorite thing to do on this blog is to review awful movies. I just love it. It's my shit. But why, then, do I not have a separate label for my bad movie reviews? I asked myself this question today, and had no answer.

So today, I'm here to announce Shady's Dreadful Movie Reviews! Not much is going to change, except that my bad movie reviews will now have this for their title, and they'll be labeled "Dreadful Movies" too, for your ease of perusal, dear reader. This has already been done for the previous bad movie reviews, if you want to take a peek.

The reason for this? Well, I am terrible at organizing. I've been wanting to spring clean this blog for literal years. This extra label is just a small step in the right direction, in my opinion. By keeping the bad movie reviews separate, I can install order in this one small area of my life where I have complete control, while the rest continues to spiral and crash around me in a never-ending explosion. Oh, and I just think it looks better.

For another quick update: I've been working on a bunch of bad movie reviews for months, because as I mentioned, I am a disorganized human being, and the good fairy of writing inspiration only sees fit to bestow her pixie dust upon me, like, once a month. But anyway, here's a list of the reviews I have in the works:

-Scooby-Doo (2002)
-Bee Movie (2007) - yes, seriously
-Anastasia (the Enchanted Tales version, 1997)
-The King & I (1999)
-Titanic: The Legend Goes On (2000)
-The Secret of Mulan (1998)

So prepare yourself, because these reviews are coming your way. Every single one of these movies is horrendous in its own special way.

Until my next article, peace out.

SHADY MOVIE THROWBACKS: Zoom: Academy for Superheroes (again)

"Boy, for a straight guy you're dramatic!" 

- Tim Allen as Zoom

This was my first Bad Movie.

Oh, I'm sure I'd seen worse at that age. But as an eight-ish-year-old kid, this was the first movie where I distinctly remember sitting in the theater and thinking in my head, "This is not good. This is not a quality movie. I don't like this. This is awful. I want to go home."

And yet, I don't know why - maybe because I was a masochist - I would watch it again as a kid, and again, repulsed and fascinated. I grew to hate this movie, really hate it, deep in the marrow of my bones. So much that in 2014, I wrote a brief, but decidedly revolted and hateful, review of it. The review is... not great. It points out a lot of things I thought were wrong with this movie, but it doesn't go as in-depth as it should, it's not funny, and - of course; it was published in 2014 - it's terribly written. So I thought I'd redo it.

Any problems with this? Well... I haven't watched Zoom in four years. And, terrifyingly, I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm going to end up ironically loving it when I do rewatch it. Sure, I hated it in 2014, but today? A schlubby Tim Allen barely giving a shit or earning his paycheck, blandly and annoyedly reacting to all kinds of weird superhero shit happening around him? Courteney Cox as an eccentric scientist who can spit rainbows? Superpowered children teaming up to torture Chevy Chase? Awful special effects? Genuinely the weirdest plot of any superhero movie I've ever seen? Cringeworthy humor? A "training montage" where everyone just stands around trying to dodge paintballs? A 3% rating on Rotten Tomatoes?

Oh, no. I think I'm going to watch this again and love it.

Well. Here we go into the fray.

SHADY MOVIE REVIEWS: Incredibles 2

Well. After 14 years of patiently waiting, I sat in the theatre about to see the sequel to a movie I grew up with. It was an insanely surreal moment, and yet I didn't even have the time to process it.

First of all, I am SORRY that this is coming out on Sunday (!) rather than Thursday as I promised. I did see the movie on Thursday, but I was way too tired to write the review immediately afterward (Incredibles 2 is long as fuck, and I didn't get home until almost 11). And after that, well, I had to sort out my feelings before I could finally come up with a measured response for the movie. I think I've got that response today.

Before the movie began to play, this message came up on the screen from Brad Bird and the voice actors, essentially saying, "We made you wait 14 years, sorry about that, thanks for showing up." Yes, that's right - this is the first sequel I've ever seen where the creators have actually come onscreen and apologized for how long it took to make the damn thing. But was it worth the wait? Well...

SHADY MOVIE THROWBACKS: Best scenes/moments from The Incredibles

Welcome to day two of Incredibles Week! The reviews are already pouring in for Pixar's latest offering. The critics have a lot to say. And... sadly, they hate it. It's a complete disaster. A trainwreck of a film. Should never have been made. Everyone responsible for this catastrophe ought to be thrown in jail.

I jest, of course.

For real. The reviews for Incredibles 2 have some pretty universal complaints and praises. The critics enjoyed the animation, the design, the score, the action sequences, and baby Jack-Jack (who might be on the way to getting his own movie soon). But they aren't so keen on the film's awkward themes (screens are bad? In a movie set in, like, 1970?), lack of emotional punch, and predictable story.

But I'm not too worried. As long as I can sit in the theatre for two hours being awed and dazzled by a beautiful-looking, funny, entertaining Pixar movie, I'll be happy. And don't worry, dear reader - I'll have my own review ready on Thursday night.

For today, let's examine a topic that's pretty darn easy to tackle: the best moments from The Incredibles. And... there are a lot of 'em. There's almost too much material to work with here. If you want to read several paragraphs of me shilling for Pixar, read on.

SHADY MOVIE THROWBACKS: Most adult moments in The Incredibles

This is Incredibles Week here at Shady's Blog. Because Incredibles 2 is coming out on Thursday. I have tickets. No, I can't believe it either.

I've got to sincerely apologize for using a Big Bang

Theory gif on my blog, but this is literally me.

SHADY MOVIE LISTS: Craziest and saltiest animated villain motivations/plots of all time

Ah, those classic animated villains. You love' em. You love to hate 'em. But do you understand them?

When it comes to animated movies, their villain's motivations don't often stray from one of two paths: greed/power-lust, or simple insanity. Look up your favorite animated movie. I guarantee you there's a 90% chance it follows one of these plots.

However, there are some outliers. There are some animated villains who were motivated by weird reasons, or whose plots were kind of strange. This list is going to document some of them. Enjoy.

SHADY MOVIE LISTS: 2015's notable bad films

Oh, poor 2015. Does anyone even talk about you, or are you simply the world's most forgotten year? I mean, I suppose that's a good thing, since nothing super bad happened. It wasn't an election year. It wasn't an Olympic year. No Transformers movies came out. But honestly. 2015 is one of the least talked-about years since, like, 1996.

That, however, does not mean 2015 didn't have some terrible movies. It did. 2015, you are not exempt from my roasting. Let it begin.

SHADY MOVIE LISTS: Franchises that fizzled, part 2

Since my first list on this subject was so much fun to write, I thought I'd whip up a second one. Without further ado, let's get to it!

SHADY MOVIE LISTS: Franchises that fizzled

Some movies turn into billion-dollar, multi-decade franchises that release a new blockbuster offering every two or three years, all of which turn an enormous profit the likes of which would make us ordinary working people crap our pants. And some movies... don't.

For this list, I'm going to be looking at some movies where the intention was clearly to start a franchise, but it just didn't work. Some of these would-be franchises only have one film, some have two, while others have more than two, but they all have one thing in common: they won't be making any more of 'em anytime soon.

(By the way, I won't be looking at any whose most recent entries were released before 2013. Why? Because there were just too many.)

SHADY MOVIE LISTS: Pixar, ranked

If you've been reading my blog in the past few months (as approximately 2 people are wont to do), you'll know that I am excited for Incredibles 2. Which is putting it mildly.

Pictured: me speaking Incredibles 2 into

existence over the last fourteen years.

In honor of this loooooooooong-awaited movie, I'm going to rank the Pixar movies according to my personal preference. You might be shocked to learn that The Incredibles is... actually not at the top. (*Gasps and screams from audiences everywhere*) Yes, I know, it's shocking. But worry not: The Incredibles may not be at the top, but Brad Bird damn well will be.

What's that, you say? Pixar rankings are overdone, everyone under the sun has made one, and I'm not special? Well, that may well be so, but it's my blog and I'll do what I want, so shut up and read my post!

SHADY MOVIE THEORIES: Who is Screenslaver?

So I had to create a whole new label for this one. It took hours of work and effort, and I didn't even get paid. (Just kidding. It takes two seconds to write it in that little label box thingy.)

Here's what we know about Screenslaver from Incredibles 2: He hypnotizes people through the TV. He lives among the trash under an overpass. He has his own helicopter. He is way scarier than Syndrome. And he might not be who we think he is.

I'm so suspicious right now.

Other than that, we know jack shit about this badass-looking villain. However, I think it's safe to assume that his identity isn't just "some random guy from the street." Screenslaver is somebody. Who that somebody is? Remains to be seen.

Since there are multiple novelizations for the movie already floating around that spoil the entire damn thing, and since people have been kind enough to upload videos of themselves reading said novelizations and spoiling everything on YouTube, anybody could easily go find out who Screenslaver is right now. (Unfortunately.) But I'm not that kind of gal. I have self-control. And I prefer to guess. Guessing is fun.

Here are some possibilities.

SHADY MOVIE THROWBACKS: Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over

Just a brief warning: this is gonna be a long one.

SHADY MOVIE LISTS: 2018's sequels

In 2015, I declared that year the "year of reboots." Well, this year is the year of sequels. (As has been every year since, like, 1950. If we're being honest.)

With that being said, I'm gonna estimate the box office gross and critical reception for this year's upcoming slew of follow-ups. With no further ado, let us jump into the fray. (By the way, I've also included prequels, rare beasts though they may be. Not spinoffs, though. Spinoffs can choke.)

SHADY MOVIE REACTIONS: Incredibles 2 trailer

So I've decided to add a new category to my already-impressive litany of categories: Shady Movie Reactions. If you didn't already guess, within this category, I'm gonna react to stuff. Although frankly I don't know if this label is ever going to get used again. Because this is a very special and unique time in my life. This is Incredibles 2 time.

SHADY MOVIE LISTS: Most violent animated villain deaths

I started writing this list after watching A Bug's Life. That is all you need to know.

Actually, you might need to know a little more. Most animated villains either get ambiguously captured/arrested, or they fall to their deaths. And how apropos, indeed. With a harmless fall into the mist, a villain can be disposed of with pure justice and yet with child-appropriate innocence: we know he met a violent end, but we didn't actually have to see the bloody finale.

Another added benefit - with the ambiguity a falling death provides, a sequel can easily be set up. Hey, guess what, Gaston actually landed on a giant trampoline, let's gear up for Beauty and the Beast 2: Revenge of a Frenchman! (Only a matter of time before they pull that dirty trick for real.)

But in some movies - those rare, beautiful standouts - we witness a greater end. We witness something truly terrible, which befits our terrible villain. We witness an end which makes it very clear that this villain ain't coming back. We see a violent end - and hot damn, do we. Sometimes, animation studios like to push the envelope.

So without any more blathering, let's get into the list! Videos will be included for your benefit.

(Oh, and I think I need to specify. Movies made for kids. None of that animated Batman crap.)

SHADY MOVIE THROWBACKS: The Secret of the Hunchback (1996)

Yeah, yeah. I know I promised at the end of my last review that if I ever reviewed another shitty animated mockbuster, I'd start with Ratatoing. But there are a few reasons why I'm reneging on that promise.

SHADY MOVIE THROWBACKS: The Secret of Anastasia (1997)

The name echoes through hallways, in near-empty rooms and abandoned warehouses, in corners of bars and off the lips of 21-year-old animation students smoking weed in their dorm rooms. Don Bluth. Don Bluth, they say.

SHADY MOVIE LISTS: List of Disney sequels by Rotten Tomatoes rating

In the mid-90s to mid-2000s, Disney went absolutely insane producing cheap, ugly sequels to everything ever. Before the sequel to Aladdin, The Return of Jafar, came out in 1994, Disney had absolutely no direct-to-video sequels. In the 14 years that followed, they produced dozens of them (32 of which are included here, as well as others that aren't included, like several Recess and Tinker Bell films). They really hit their stride in 2004 and 2005, and then, they just stopped - after 2008, no Disney home video sequels have emerged that aren't about Tinker Bell. And no sequels about Tinker Bell have come out since 2015. It's the end of an era.

In honor of Ralph Breaks the Internet: Wreck-It Ralph 2 - which will become the first theatrically-released Disney sequel (and whose trailer dropped this week) - I'm going to be looking at Disney's infamous direct-to-video pantheon. Most of 'em are terrible. Most of 'em are forgettable. But all of 'em are Disney. (By the way, the average score is 35%. Not... completely terrible?)

SHADY MOVIE REVIEWS: The Cloverfield Paradox

Whew! It's been a while since I released my last review. Not since Despicable Me 3, in fact - I've been focusing more on throwbacks and lists. But anyway. Here we go.

My review of 10 Cloverfield Lane was published not quite two years ago, in which I waxed poetic about how great it was. (Well, not really, but I quite enjoyed it.) 10 Cloverfield Lane was only announced two months before it was released, but nonetheless turned out to be a smash critical and commercial success. And in 2018, Netflix looked at that record and said, "Hold my beer." This third movie in the Cloverfield franchise, The Cloverfield Paradox, was announced the DAY it was released. This is a reveal that will go down in history with Beyoncé's self-titled album.

SHADY MOVIE LISTS: Movies that will probably bomb in 2018

Here it is, folks - the list that guarantees a 100% chance of me having a foot squarely in my mouth a year from now. Maybe two feet.

A lot of movies coming out in 2018 are highly anticipated by audiences. Incredibles 2! Black Panther! Incredibles 2! Deadpool 2! Incredibles 2! Fantastic Beasts 2! Incredibles 2! But despite all this undeniable hype, there are some movies that are very not anticipated. There are some movies coming out this year that I just can't see being successful. On this list, I'm going to describe them.

But like I said, I'll probably turn out to be wrong about at least one of these predictions, if not all of them. So don't quote me. (Please. For the love of god. Don't.)

SHADY MOVIE LISTS: 2017's notable bad films

Yes, that's right, 2017. You can finally emerge from the naughty corner. I'm going to take you to task.

As everyone knows, in terms of general badness, 2017 made 2016 look like the Teletubbies. I'm pretty sure last year put us all through the wringer (with the sole possible exception of Jeff Bezos). But now that it's over, let us take a look at some of the worst-received films of 2017.

And be warned. 2017 was a shitty year. There's lots to talk about. This list is gonna be long. (This time around I'm omitting the "ironically good" qualifier from my last article, because it's just redundant.) Please note that there are many, many terrible 2017 movies that I'm not going to talk about on this list. 2017 was a bad year. Honorable mentions go to 50 Shades Darker, Rings, The Nut Job 2: Nutty by Nature, Ghost in the Shell, The Space Between Us, The Shack, and MANY others.

SHADY MOVIE LISTS: 2016's notable bad films

Well, here we are in the new year. I promised you my surprise review almost a year ago. Dear lord, how time flies. Guys, don't worry - that review is about 50% done, and I'm chipping away at it. You probably won't be cold in your coffin yet before it comes your way. Probably.

With that being said, here is my first article of the new year! In honor of the hell year that was 2017, I'm going to be discussing a few choice movies of twenty-sixteen. Because 2017 was a naughty, naughty year, and has been banished to the bad-boy corner to think about what he did. So we're just not going to talk about him. (Yes, I've decided that 2017 was a him.)

Onward! We'll now look at some of the worst movies of 2016.