Hiatus

Hey, whoever might be reading this blog. This is just a short update post. I've been super busy in my life, things are hectic, I've got other endeavors on the go, and I just haven't had the time or inclination to update this particular blog. The creative spark is gone. The spirit is unwilling and so is the flesh. To put it bluntly, I think I'm burnt out. I've already posted more articles this year than any other year in my career. I was really on fire with this blog earlier in the year, and now... that's gone. Sorry. Can't help it.

I could have just left this blog to fester without an explanation - after all, I don't update on a schedule. But I didn't think that was fair, in case there's one person somewhere out there who actually gives a shit. So, yeah. I don't know when I'll be back. Maybe next week, maybe never.

Ciao.

SHADY MOVIE THROWBACKS: The shows of my childhood

From the ages of like, 5 to 15,  all I watched was YTV. If you're not Canadian, YTV is THE channel for kids. It has not changed virtually at all in 10 years - it still has the same programming blocks, the same host (I see you, Carlos), the same sets, the same announcer, and everything. It's absolutely insane. It's like a time capsule.

This post has little to do with movies, and not much to do with pop culture, either. Only a very small subset of people are gonna relate to all the obscure Canadian shows on this list. But that's okay, because I hope that even if you're not familiar with what I will discuss, my brilliant writing and sparkling wit will keep you reading anyhow.

SHADY'S DREADFUL MOVIE REVIEWS anouncement!

For the last few years, I've reviewed a bunch of shitty movies - especially in recent months. Now, it's practically this blog's bread and butter. Most of them are animated kids' movies and/or nostalgic movies, though I do hesitate to use the N-word because I don't particularly want to be associated with you-know-who.

In case you're new here, here's the current roster of reviews:

-Zoom: Academy for Superheroes (reviewed in 2018)
-Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over (reviewed in 2018)
-The Secret of the Hunchback (reviewed in 2018)
-The Secret of Anastasia (reviewed in 2018)
-Jupiter Ascending (reviewed in 2017, and this isn't technically a review, more me babbling on about stupid bullshit. I'll probably redo this one. There's a lot to talk about.)
-The Adventures of Sharkboy & Lavagirl in 3-D (reviewed in 2016)
-Zoom: Academy for Superheroes (reviewed in 2014, and be warned, I redid this review for a reason - it's terrible. I apologize on behalf of past me.)

Other than writing movie lists, probably my favorite thing to do on this blog is to review awful movies. I just love it. It's my shit. But why, then, do I not have a separate label for my bad movie reviews? I asked myself this question today, and had no answer.

So today, I'm here to announce Shady's Dreadful Movie Reviews! Not much is going to change, except that my bad movie reviews will now have this for their title, and they'll be labeled "Dreadful Movies" too, for your ease of perusal, dear reader. This has already been done for the previous bad movie reviews, if you want to take a peek.

The reason for this? Well, I am terrible at organizing. I've been wanting to spring clean this blog for literal years. This extra label is just a small step in the right direction, in my opinion. By keeping the bad movie reviews separate, I can install order in this one small area of my life where I have complete control, while the rest continues to spiral and crash around me in a never-ending explosion. Oh, and I just think it looks better.

For another quick update: I've been working on a bunch of bad movie reviews for months, because as I mentioned, I am a disorganized human being, and the good fairy of writing inspiration only sees fit to bestow her pixie dust upon me, like, once a month. But anyway, here's a list of the reviews I have in the works:

-Scooby-Doo (2002)
-Bee Movie (2007) - yes, seriously
-Anastasia (the Enchanted Tales version, 1997)
-The King & I (1999)
-Titanic: The Legend Goes On (2000)
-The Secret of Mulan (1998)

So prepare yourself, because these reviews are coming your way. Every single one of these movies is horrendous in its own special way.

Until my next article, peace out.

SHADY MOVIE THEORIES: Who is Screenslaver?

So I had to create a whole new label for this one. It took hours of work and effort, and I didn't even get paid. (Just kidding. It takes two seconds to write it in that little label box thingy.)

Here's what we know about Screenslaver from Incredibles 2: He hypnotizes people through the TV. He lives among the trash under an overpass. He has his own helicopter. He is way scarier than Syndrome. And he might not be who we think he is.

I'm so suspicious right now.

Other than that, we know jack shit about this badass-looking villain. However, I think it's safe to assume that his identity isn't just "some random guy from the street." Screenslaver is somebody. Who that somebody is? Remains to be seen.

Since there are multiple novelizations for the movie already floating around that spoil the entire damn thing, and since people have been kind enough to upload videos of themselves reading said novelizations and spoiling everything on YouTube, anybody could easily go find out who Screenslaver is right now. (Unfortunately.) But I'm not that kind of gal. I have self-control. And I prefer to guess. Guessing is fun.

Here are some possibilities.

Welcome to Webcomic Hell 5: The end?

So for many months now, I pretty much just haven't thought about Plush and Blood, the terrible webcomic I lambasted four times (1, 2, 3, 4). Frankly I thought the stupid thing was just never going to update again and die a slow but well-deserved death. In my last post on the subject, I opined:

"And, one day, should the arrogant Mr. Messer return to his webcomic, it will be extremely interesting to see whether or not he acknowledges [his lengthy and unexplained absence and lack of updates]. To me, he seems like the kind of guy who would just continue on as if nothing happened."

 Well, it looks like I've finally got some closure, because this is exactly what has happened. On April 2 - exactly one year and a day after his last Facebook post and comic update - Messer finally bothered to say something on Facebook. That's right, folks: after a year of being so all-encompassingly busy that he couldn't even throw a measly "Hey, this is what's happening and I'm sorry for the wait but hang tight" at his PAYING FANS who PAY FOR HIS GODDAMN WORK, Corey "TiredOrangeCat" Messer has finally bothered to emerge from whatever dank hole he was hiding in.

I was sort of right about my prediction that Messer would eventually return after a long while of radio silence and just act like nothing happened. Literally his only acknowledgement of his year-long period of total silence is a short "To everyone that has stuck by, thank you for your patience" at the end of one Facebook post. Literally. That is absolutely his only acknowledgement that he made fans wait a year with no news about the comic's continuation. He just...went away for no reason. He never discussed the reason. He never thought it was necessary, despite having dozens of fans who PAY FOR HIS PRODUCT EVERY MONTH VIA PATREON, to maybe throw them a bone and let them know what was up. 

Oh, and by the way, his updates are still black-and-white for some reason. He can't even be bothered to color his terrible art. And also, if you can figure out what the hell's supposed to be happening in that page, please enlighten me, because I've been staring at it for five minutes with this look on my face.

Yup. This look.

I don't hate many people, and I certainly don't hate Corey Messer, but something makes me feel consistently annoyed whenever I see anything related to him or Plush and Blood. The man is not only arrogant and deluded, he's careless. As in, he couldn't care less. Not about the fans who (inexplicably think his artwork is valuable enough to) pay him a fee every month; not about the fans who can't afford the fee but still love his work (for some reason); not about anyone but himself, I'd wager. 

Literally the only reason I'd think was acceptable for this ridiculous hiatus is if Messer went through a serious personal tragedy like the death of a family member, which I don't think is what happened. And even if that is what happened, there's still no excuse to not respect your fans the tiniest amount by telling them what's going on and when they can expect to see updates return. He's a disrespectful douchenozzle and that's all I'm gonna say.

Seriously. That's all I'm gonna say. I'm done. There will be no Welcome to Webcomic Hell 6. The saga has ended. You can all go home now. 

CapAlert: Miscellaneous Hilarity (Vol. 1)

So, since I've got nothing better to do with my sad, boring life, I'm gonna comb through the CapAlert website and find the weirdest, most bizarre, and most hilarious instances of weirdness and backwardness, and compile them all here, so you don't have to. Your lazy ass is welcome.

Here we go!

"The body twitching with each new thrust..." hubba hubba

When talking about why he doesn’t think reading the Bible’s violence is anywhere near as damaging to kids as watching violence on the big screen, the CapAlert guy gives us this little gem:

“…reading "was killed by" is a l-o-t different than watching and hearing someone thrust a 14" knife into a man's body, repeatedly, slowly at first, seeing the steel of the blade disappear, appearing more stained with each withdrawal as blood spews, splatters and pools, the body twitching with each new thrust until it twitches no more then pumping eight rounds of .45 bullets into the body with steely coldness to make viciously and brutally certain the victim is dead.”

Which is absolutely the most graphic thing I’ve read all day. Holy shit. 

I can’t help but think the guy who wrote it got some enjoyment out of it. I mean, who writes about “the body twitching with each new thrust” unless they have some level of passion for violence??? Seriously, can you read that ridiculous description without thinking the person who wrote it has some kind of interest in violence? 

Also, I love how he specifies the knife is 14 inches long. That just really adds to the experience.

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I mean, have you ever seen Eddie Murphy and Martin Lawrence in the same room? Just saying

This page has a lot of weirdness going for it. It's ostensibly from a parent who went with his children to a kids' acting workshop and asked the kids about their favorite movies. And from there, the article devolves into bullshit.

First of all, the idea that any kid would list The Rundown, End of Days, Collateral Damage or The 6th Day as their favorite movie is entirely unbelievable. Terminator, maybe - MAYBE - but those? Please. I know you're trying to prove a point about how kids like violence and blah blah blah, but blatantly lying isn't the way to go. Has this person even met a kid?? (Another foul-up: The Rundown is listed as an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie, but Arnie only made an uncredited cameo as "Bar Patron." The Rundown was a The Rock movie. Learn the difference, you uncultured swine!)

Secondly, the idea that any 9-to-13-year-old kid, no matter how cultured, would say their favorite movie is Godspell. I mean... are you trying to make me spit out my drink???

And thirdly (and most importantly): one kid apparently named as their favorite movie, and I quote from the parent: "...that new one with good ole' Eddie, Big Momma's House."

I'm assuming this idiot somehow mixed Eddie Murphy up with Martin Lawrence, since there is no one even named Eddie in Big Momma's House, much less "good ole' Eddie" Murphy. Seriously, no one in the production is named Eddie. No one who even passed by the set on their way to get a coffee was named Eddie. Believe me. I checked IMDB.

And, well, I'll say this for the parent: if you're not all that cultured, I guess it would be easy enough to mix Eddie Murphy up with Martin Lawrence - I mean, both of them dress up in ridiculous drag outfits to make rapturously unfunny movies. So it might just be a simple mistake. But it's still pretty funny. 

Lastly: the final line in the "article" is as follows: "One thing I noticed is none of them mentioned Chicken Run [G] ......yet."

This line is kind of confusing, because it doesn't specify whether or not the fact that none of the kids liked Chicken Run was a good or bad thing. The evidence is a little sketchy, too. Let me round it up.

Is it a good thing that kids aren't into Chicken Run?	Is it a bad thing that kids aren't into Chicken Run?
Chicken Run is notoriously inappropriate. I mean, there's even a part where Mrs. Tweedy pinches Mr. Tweedy's ass. Heavens.	It's a fuckin' fantastic movie, everyone knows that!
See above.	It's rated G. Like, even by CapAlert standards!
See above.	It's from the era when Mel Gibson was known as a likable lead actor and not a racist wife-beating prick. Ah, good times.

Sigh. I guess we'll never know.

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I mean, have you ever seen Kate Capshaw and Karen Allen in the same room? Just saying

Branching off from the last piece of miscellaneous hilarity, in CapAlert's Chicken Run review, I came across this gem:

"Some "Indiana Jones" perils add a touch of excitement as the Tweedy's decide to change the farm from an egg farm to a chicken pie factory. A tour through the innards of a crumbling pie-making machine almost puts a fedora on Rocky "Jones" and Ginger almost begins to look like Kate Capshaw and Karen Allen as huge gears chase them through the plenum of gravy."

Now ignore the fact that this is a confusingly-written mess, because everything Pastor Carder writes tends to be nigh-on incomprehensible, and focus on the last few words. "Ginger almost begins to look like Kate Capshaw and Karen Allen"??? Like, both of them at the same time?? Why the hell couldn't you just... pick one? And why does Alison Doody's fabulous Elsa from Last Crusade not deserve a shout-out, but the horrible and shrill Willie does? (No offense.) I dunno, this just bothered me.

Also, I learned a new word: plenum. Thanks, Pastor Carder. Although the word "plenum," which apparently means "an assembly of all the members of a group or committee," is strangely irrelevant when you're talking about gravy.  

ALSO also, listed among the "Wanton violence/crime" section in the Chicken Run review is "Indiana Jones dangers." Which is apparently a very specific subsection of danger.

ALSO ALSO also, the review says that Rocky (voiced by Mel Gibson) has an "Australian accent." And...well...no he doesn't. Seriously, this is one of the only Mel Gibson movies in existence where Mel doesn't speak with a weird pseudo-Australian-but-wintered-in-the-Catskills-every-year-from-ages-5-to-17 type inflection. I don't know how Pastor Carder heard an Australian accent. Maybe it's just because he already knew Mel Gibson was Australian (sort of?), and expected to hear an accent, and therefore heard what he wanted to hear. Like a placebo effect. Or a placebOZ effect?!

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I'm not saying CapAlert is outdated, but...

...but yeah I am.

Example: their "awards page." Which, as far as I can tell, hasn't been updated since nineteen ninety seven. (Although that's dubious, because the copyright thingy at the bottom says 1996.) God, CapAlert is like a time machine. Where's the Relic Hunter when you need her? (Jeez, that was a pretty outdated reference. Maybe I'm the real relic.)

For a more recent example, the website hasn't been updated with new reviews since 2012. And absolutely nothing has been done to revamp the website, or even add anything new whatsoever, since I first happened upon it in 2014, three years ago. Oh, and absolutely everything you click on leads to a new tab. I don't know if that's an indicator of relic status, but it's still pretty annoying.

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Wait, is the McDonalds sign a demonic symbol?

So CapAlert has this section on their website to help parents identify “demonic symbols” in their teens’ possession (pun intended!). Apparently, kids can become so obsessive about these demonic symbols that they’ll hide them anywhere. Including in the light fixtures. For some reason.

“…look everywhere for evidence of these icons. Everywhere. In the child's dresser, closet and backpack; on his/her books, notepads and pencil boxes; under his/her mattress, throw rug and CD player. Look even under previously secure but now loose carpet corners. And if evidence is there, have an electrician check the outlet and switch boxes and lamp fixtures.”

So let me get this straight. Pastor Carder is seriously advocating for parents to call an electrician to come look for demonic symbols in the outlets and switch boxes??? How would THAT phone conversation go?

Anyway, let’s move on. One of Pastor Carder’s arguments about the legitimacy of the “demonic symbols” is that a “deathmetal emailer” (sic) sent him an “unsolicited collage” of many of those symbols. I don’t know exactly what a “deathmetal emailer” is. Was his email address deathmetal@cannibalcorpse.com? Another of the pastor’s arguments is that, while the symbol itself might not have been originally created for evil, it can still be used for evil by, y’know, demons and stuff. Which is why I’m wondering…can anything be a demonic symbol? Could the McDonalds symbol be demonic? Could the YouTube symbol be demonic?! And how does one go about making these symbols demonic? I need answers!

You ever type a word so many times that it loses all meaning in your head? Yeah, well, that’s just 

happened to me with the word “demonic.”          

The list of symbols that are apparently demonic includes the anarchy symbol, the six-pointed star, the ankh, the swastika (no argument there), the number 666… and beyond that, here’s where the symbols start to get weird. There’s the “unicorn horn or leprechaun staff,” which is apparently used to conjure luck… the signs of the zodiac… the head of a goat… the peace symbol… the word abracadabra???… the scarab beetle… and, of course, the “horned hand” that mothers everywhere have been calling demonic since at least 1975.

What I’m stuck on is the idea that the word “abracadabra” is demonic. Pastor Carder himself can’t even justify it. And for god’s sake, the scarab beetle is just a bug. (Although I’ve been pretty damn phobic of them since watching The Mummy. Remember what happened to the guy who hated bugs?)

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Do you ever just…laugh?

So, in 2003 Pastor Carder did a prestigious interview with the Washington Post. The interview was written as a humor column, and as such, it's freakin’ amazing. However, the pastor seemed content to reproduce parts of the interview on his website, so I don't think he really minded that he was essentially being Punk’d - he was just happy to get his name out there. The interview can still be found on the Post’s website here.

(Another, though mostly unrelated, tidbit from this article: Pastor Carder doesn't know if "themed" is a word. Spoiler alert: it is.)

I was going to pull a few select quotes from the fantastic interview and paste them here, but as I continued reading the article, I realized I would have to copy-paste the whole damn thing. So just read it. For god’s sake, just read it.

I’m going to pull one brief selection from the article. Just one. And that’s taking enormous self-control. This is my absolute favourite:

Interviewer: In reviewing more than 700 movies, you found only one that got a hundred percent, green-light score. It was called "Who Gets the House?" You pointed out it had no sex or violence or drugs or tobacco or alcohol, no impudence by children, etc.

Pastor Carder: Yes, it was a good family film.

Interviewer: You also pointed out you were the only person in the theater.

Pastor Carder: Yes.

Interviewer: Did you read any of the reviews of this movie? Here are excerpts from the Deseret News: “Unfunny, forced humor,” “insipid jokes,” “contrived situations that would not work in a 30-minute sitcom . . .” Here's another review: “I can't imagine any adult who has ever seen a movie before even sitting through the whole thing comfortably, let alone liking it.”

Pastor Carder: These people must like the R-rated movies.

Interviewer: That last one was from a Mormon newsletter. 

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Those bads offended me very bigly

On this page, the pastor attempts to explain his method of judging movies. It's... nigh on incomprehensible, to say the very least. Essentially, a movie that has ten very problematic instances of sinful behavior will score the same as a movie that has a hundred small instances of sinful behavior. Only, Pastor Carder doesn't use terms as simple as that. He calls the instances of sinful behavior "bads" for some reason.

Also in this article, Pastor Carder takes aim and fires at those who would say "Gimme a break!" at his insane level of nitpicking. (I.E., me.) Apparently, people who think his amount of extreme nitpicking is a little ridiculous are simply so desensitized by R-rated movies that they can't even see immorality anymore. Which... okay, guilty.

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But, like, Mary Poppins could've been an angel!

Here comes the most nonsensical example of CapAlert bending over backwards to justify their ridiculous nitpicking. Pastor Carder apparently loves Mary Poppins so much that he'll catch a grenade for her, throw his hand on a blade for her, and - wait for it - perhaps even jump in front of a train for her.

You can probably throw out a pretty accurate guess as to what CapAlert thinks of franchises like Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings: they're evil, and sorcery is evil, and magic is evil, and blah blah blah, no exceptions! The no exceptions part is especially important, because, as we'll see, there absolutely are exceptions - they just have to be movies that Pastor Carder personally likes. This is the best example of CapAlert's blatant hypocrisy.

In this article, Pastor Carder says:

"God says sorcery and wizardry are evil. There is no debate. He does not give any conditions or situations in which these evils are not evil." 

Which is a sentiment that is repeated many dozens of times in many CapAlert articles and reviews. You'd think he'd be pretty stringent about witchcraft = bad, right? Well, WRONG, SIR.

Literally two sentences later, in the SAME ARTICLE:

"The "magic" in Mary Poppins presented nothing evil or sinister as did The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring. Indeed, the Mary Poppins character could have been of an angel for what she did. She was not hailed as a witch/sorcerer(ess) nor advertised as such."

OHHHH MY GOD. You fucking MORON.

There is nothing I hate more than outright hypocrisy when combined with pompous self-righteousness and with a little dash of moronic inability to comprehend any-fucking-thing added in for good measure. Did you not just get finished saying that "there is no debate"??? Did you not JUST GET FINISHED saying that there are no situations in which these evils are not evil? You absolute fucking bonehead! Give your head a shake!

God, I need a Tylenol. Further reading: CapAlert's no-good, very bad Mary Poppins review.

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FISTING

Have I got your attention now? Okay, let's get started. Fisting!

I don't really have all that much to say about this article. I agree with most of its sentiments: namely, that pornography is bad for kids. There's just one thing I'd like to point out: this quote.

"Would the presenters of the despicable Massachusetts sex workshop, in which adolescent students were taught about vulgar homosexual sexual acts such as "fisting," have considered putting on such a display only a few years ago? What has changed in our society that they thought they could get away with it today?"

I have a few questions about this little gem.

1. What the hell is this Massachusetts adolescent sex workshop Pastor Carder speaks of??

2. Why is he uncomfortable with even saying the words "hell" or "damn" in a non-Christian context, but he's perfectly fine with openly discussing fisting? Hell, I'M not even okay with openly discussing fisting!

3. Is Pastor Carder seriously under the impression that fisting is entirely a homosexual concept? Because boy, do I have news for you.

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Even now, the evil seed of independence germinates within you

So, this little write-up features a list of the terrible things that bad movies can do to kids. Listed among these horrors are:

-Self-esteem

-Excessive tolerance

-"Suggestion by implication" (????)

-"Situational, emotive, and behavioral ethics" (??????)

-Too much independence

First of all, self-esteem, independence and "excessive tolerance" are not bad things - not in any respect and not by any stretch of the imagination. Second of all, I have no idea what the hell is meant by "suggestion by implication" or "situational, emotive, and behavioral ethics." No further explanation is provided, either. I mean... wouldn't anyone WANT their kids to be in possession of situational, emotive and behavioral ethics?!

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And you wonder why the well ran dry.

So, apparently for a while CapAlert was doing commissions. Specifically, they mention a high volume of requests for movie reviews, but they wouldn't do it for free, since “…due to financial restraints we must ask for support. This free service is not free of expenses.”

Which is all well and good, right? So what were they asking for a single movie review? $10? $20, perhaps? Maybe even as high as $25? That's over-the-top, but I can see CapAlert doing that.

No, they were not asking for as high as $25. They wanted TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS PER MOVIE. To put a SINGLE FUCKING MOVIE through their stupid CAP Analysis system, they were asking for 250 smackaroos. I mean... Christ almighty. That is absolutely bonkers.

I wonder exactly how successful their commissions were? I'm thinking the answer is not whatsoever. Any parent with any amount of brains in their skulls would quickly figure out that for fucking $250, you could rent the movie and watch it yourself a billion times over.

Although, by CapAlert's reasoning, $250 for a movie review is actually a conservative estimate. According to this, the total cost for one movie analysis is $350, which apparently includes "life / health / medical / dental insurance, other living expenses and lesser office supplies but not equipment, vehicle and its insurance, hardware/software, phone, development, etc." Which is just...fucking...ridiculous. For a variety of reasons.

A) Is he implying he doesn't have a job other than CapAlert?? What the hell kind of life plan is that? Especially since he has over 40 children to raise???

B) There is so much unnecessary shit going on here. Frankly, your damn health insurance, office supplies and vehicle insurance should not be listed as part of the expenses at all. The only relevant expenses are the cost of watching the movie, the cost of driving to see the movie, and the cost of time spent "analyzing" the movie. Period. That's ALL that's freaking relevant here, Pastor Carder. That's it.

C) The whole "CAP scoring system" is just beyond ridiculous. Basically, the pastor watches the movie, writes down all its instances of evil, then puts them through this huge "CAP analysis computer model" which takes "0.5 hour" (sic) to sort them out and deliver a score. Before that, Pastor Carder sorts all the movie's evils into "80 prescribed investigation standards built on Jesus's word" and from there, into the W.I.S.D.O.M. acronym thingy. Which is just all bullshit.

First of all, you can pretty much get rid of the "80 prescribed investigation standards," which are irrelevant time-consumers from where I'm sitting, and just use W.I.S.D.O.M, which is basically the exact same thing except not as complex.

Second of all, apparently it takes Pastor Carder half an hour to an hour to create the little thermometer thingy he uses and to look up the movie actors' names on IMDB. Which...holy shit! An hour to do that? Are you stopping for 50 coffee breaks along the way??

Literally the only believable thing he says in the whole "article" is that the HTML coding takes a few hours to do. Which is fair. But altogether, the idea that it takes 7.5 to 12 hours to review a movie is just utterly bonkers.

Here are some suggestions for Pastor Carder. Get rid of the "80 prescribed investigation standards." Get rid of the stupid computer thingy. Simply write down every instance of evil and sort them into W.I.S.D.O.M. Hell, the movie doesn't even need a score! Just write down what's up, and parents can make their own decisions! Basically, and I can't believe I'm saying this, CapAlert should follow PluggedIn's model. They're another Christian review website - not quite as batshit insane as CapAlert, and definitely far more professional - and they don't have computer-calculated scores at all. They simply write down the instances of bad content, give the movie an arbitrary score based on their own logic, and call it a day. And I'll bet it doesn't take them anywhere near twelve hours to complete their reviews. There are so many dozens of ways CapAlert could make their business more sustainable, cheaper, and simpler. And I still don't believe it takes any goddamn $350 to do their stupid analysis thingy.
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The Quest for Fire saga

This whole story is just immeasurably interesting, if you can navigate your way through it chronologically. Here's a quick summary: apparently, some idiot art teacher was showing the movie Quest for Fire to her first-grade art classes so they could learn about cave art or something. If you've ever seen Quest for Fire, you know why this is a bad idea.

Anyway, one of the first-graders' parents heard about this and went apeshit. A long saga of fighting tooth and nail to get the art teacher fired ensued. Now, I'm on the fence about this story - on one hand, I do think it was a monumentally poor decision on the teacher's part to show goddamn Quest for Fire to a classful of six-year-olds. On the other hand, I also think a stern warning would suffice as punishment for her "crime." The parent in this case didn't think so, and fought a very long and very hard battle to have the teacher lose her job. CapAlert got involved at some point down the line, and even did a special analysis of the movie at the parents' request. (I wonder if they paid the $250 fee???)

I do think it was reasonable for the parents to be bothered by this, but I also think they crossed a line by comparing the situation to Columbine (????) and advocating for a woman to lose her job over a bad judgement call. No matter what I think, the story is still pretty interesting. Give it a read if you want.

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Sexual wishes in background song

And finally, I'm going to compile a list of some of the most ridiculous "offenses" I've found in CapAlert reviews. Ready? Here we go. Reminder: everything here has been directly copy-pasted from CapAlert, and therefore might make no sense whatsoever. That's not my fault, it's theirs. I don't know what a "rabblery" is, either.

Wanton violence/crime

Explosive startle

Assault to face

Human frenzy

Running stop sign

Impudence/hate

Massive tattoos, repeatedly

Rabblery

Punk dress

Traffic rudeness, repeatedly

Spying

Theft = fun

Sexual immorality

Sexual wishes in background song

Implied oral sex using a banana

Talk of female private matters

Crude maneuver with posterior

Crotch hit

Gaping face, licking kissing

Teen pair in a crotch straddle

Neon nudity

Adult gluteous fissure exposed

Leg wrapping

Drugs/alcohol

"drunkenness, repeatedly

illegal drug consumption, repeatedly

drinking, repeatedly

booze, repeatedly

drug intoxication, repeatedly"

(Above are four examples which appeared, one after the other, in the same review, and which ALL MEAN THE SAME GODDAMN THING)

Posterior waggle and other posterior action

Offense to God

"Dogs are people, too"

Female pastor

Divorce proceedings

Reference to "booger sugar"

Murder/suicide

none noted (attempts at murder and suicide and deaths due to war or police action are not incorporated into this investigation area but are incorporated into Wanton Violence/Crime)

(Note: I only include the above because, for some bizarre reason, it was only included in the review for Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked. Was there a huge amount of war and police action in Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked???)

...I think you get the picture.

CapAlert: The Hilarity (Finally!) Begins

So I hope y’all love this, because it's been marinating for three years.

No, not really. I’ve been very busy not thinking about CapAlert at all for three years. In fact, I only very recently remembered that this hilarious fundamentalist Christian movie review site existed at all, much less that I once wrote a sarcastic “article” about it. That was waaaaay back in 2014, and since then, I haven’t spared CapAlert a second thought.

No doubt I’ve disappointed my legions of adoring fans who've spent these three years clamoring for an update. Sorry, guys! And since I’ve got nothing else to write about at the moment…let the hilarity begin.

Before I begin, let me just say that this site is straight out of the 90s. And if you don’t believe me, just look at this. At the top of the website, I saw an ad for Left Behind 2: Tribulation Force, “on VHS or DVD.” And that was there today. In 2017. Left Behind 2 came out in fucking 2002. That’s how outdated this website is. (The Left Behind 2 website, unsurprisingly, is long defunct. As are VHS tapes.) And yes, I know 2002 was not technically the 90s, but come on, they're basically the same. We didn't fully break free of the 90s until like 2005, when the advent of the Internet, scene girls and furries fully established the 2000s' unique personality. (Unique isn't always a good thing.)

Seriously. Look at this.

In my previous “article” (I sorta hesitate to call it that, but it’s not like I have a better name on hand), I promised a “list of CapAlert terminology.” And since I’m not one to avoid delivering on a promise, here it is, only three goddamn years late. You're extremely welcome.

Ye Olde CapAlert Dictionairie

B

Bookend—A woman’s rear. (The first Pirates of the Caribbean is the only example I can find for this, but it’s still a great enough euphemism that it definitely belongs in this glossary.)

Buggs Bunny—How CapAlert spells "Bugs Bunny" for some reason. And this reoccurs literally dozens of times, so it ain't no simple typo. (They love to reference Looney Tunes for some reason.) Nevertheless, given the utter infallibility of CapAlert's system (which is run by Jesus, after all), this must have been the correct way to spell the famous wabbit’s name all along, and the rest of us who've been spelling it "Bugs" for 70 years are all just schmucks. 

C

CapAlert—The beautiful website itself. Besides the reviews, explanations of the reviews, and numerous articles about why they're right and you're wrong and don't you damn well forget it, there is also a "Cap Kids Page.” The kids’ section contains literally two articles, which are entitled respectively "The Cross of Jesus is a Bridge over the Canyon of Sin" and "DON'T TOUCH ME THERE!!!!" (The latter is a decent, if poorly worded, explanation of what kids should do if they feel uncomfortable around an adult. But it wouldn’t be CapAlert if it wasn’t at least slightly bizarre. It includes a diorama of private parts, which apparently includes...the shoulders. But only for girls. Boys' shoulders are apparently not private.)

Cap Analysis Model—An incredibly complex, labor-intensive and blisteringly accurate Scientific Method for judging the quality of movies. Apparently, the reviewer (Pastor Tom Carder) watches a movie, writes down its violations on a special pre-prepared form based on "80 prescribed
investigation standards based on the word of God," then all that information is entered into a computer and all sorts of scientific shit is done to determine the Cap Score of the film. Apparently the whole process can take twelve hours!!! Also, the reviewer makes a huge deal out of the fact that he doesn't judge the artistic merit of the film whatsoever because he just doesn't give one shit. But seriously, the process involves mathematical mumbo-jumbo that I, poor math student that I was, can't even dream of deciphering. Here's a PDF if anyone wants to read the explanation for some reason.

Cleavage—See Galaxy Quest.

Commode—CapAlert repeatedly references people "sitting on commode" or "on the commode." I googled the word, which I've never heard in my life, only to find that a "commode" is a nice chair that you can get from Ikea. And also apparently an archaic word meaning "toilet." So whenever CapAlert references someone "sitting on a commode," he's talking about the bathroom. Although God only knows why Pastor Carder can't just freakin' say "toilet." Is "toilet" one of the official foulest words? Examples: Hey Arnold: The Movie, Trainspotting, Independence Day, and Eyes Wide Shut (although I'm pretty sure the commode-sitting isn't CapAlert's biggest problem with Eyes Wide Shut.)

Crotch—A word that is used extremely liberally in CapAlert's reviews. Seriously. Searching for the word "crotch" on the site via Google yielded almost 300 results. God, I hate the word crotch. 

D

Demons dancing around a boiling cauldron—This is the CapAlert guy’s favorite catchphrase. I have so far identified 10 different instances where Pastor Carder uses different variations of this phrase to describe how he felt while watching a particularly un-Christian movie. Examples include: "...the image of demons screeching and dancing around a boiling cauldron as Satan gleefully looks on" (South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut review); "demons and evil spirits dancing and slithering around a cauldron of Hell" (The Real Cancun review); "a throng of paganistic women slithering nude about a boiling cauldron" (The Wicker Man review); and "all of the paranormal critters looked as if they should be dancing and shrieking with glee around the boiling cauldron of Hell" (Hellboy II: The Golden Army review). For some reason Pastor Carder loves this phrase. I wonder if he has recurring nightmares about it or something. Anyway, if you see this phrase in a review, be aware that the CapAlert guy probably really hates the movie in question. Also, hell has a cauldron?? Where's that in the Bible???

F

The foulest of the foul—The f-word. Which apparently is the foulest of all foul words. The worst of them all. The big kahuna of cussing. Personally I think CapAlert forgot about the c-word, which is arguably worse than the f-word, but I digress. (Maybe we should all just refer to that SpongeBob episode where Mr. Krabs details the 13 words you're never supposed to say.) 

G

Galaxy Quest—See cleavage.

Gamming—When a lady shows her legs in a sexy manner. Seriously, CapAlert made up their own term for that. And before you ask, yes, I did look up the term gamming and found that, in the real world, it means "when whales gather together into a school." Even Urban Dictionary didn't provide me with anything. CapAlert undoubtedly came up with this word on their own. Examples: Obsessed, Spawn, Drop Dead Gorgeous, and Muppets From Space (!!!!!!!), among many others. (Yes, Miss Piggy apparently "gams" in Muppets From Space. The more you know.) Most bafflingly, apparently there was gamming in motherfucking Spy Kids 3D: Game Over. As a noted fan of the Spy Kids franchise, I can absolutely confirm there is no gamming in Spy Kids 3. Absolutely none. All of the characters are children, for Christ's sake. Not just children, but children who spend the entire movie running around dressed in clunky oversized video game outfits. For crying out loud, even Salma freakin' Hayek is never seen from the knees down!!!!

Ghosting—When you can see side-boob through a woman’s clothes. Seriously, this is yet another term CapAlert made up to describe actions related to a woman's female assets. Examples: Brokedown Palace, Snow Day, Red Planet, 10 Things I Hate About You, Legally Blonde, and White Chicks (seriously!!!), among many others.

H

Hell—Where you’re gonna go if you watch The Fast and the Furious. Also a foul curse word unless used in a very Christian context. Not quite the foulest of the foul, but up there.

Hollywood—A malevolent conglomerate of evil.

His little ones—For some reason CapAlert is extraordinarily adverse to the words "children" or "kids" or even "youths," and thus, the phrase "His little ones" (the operative "He" being Jesus, of course) is used approximately ten billion times throughout the website, to a greatly clunky effect. You think I'm exaggerating? Well, think again. Searching for the exact phrase "His little ones" on CapAlert via Google yields 909 results. That's almost one thousand different times that Pastor Carder forgot the word "children" exists.

hturT—Hollywood's evil version of revised truth. Occurs in their official explanation page, and in their reviews for You Again and Dogma. (Which are basically the same movie.)

I

In Service to His Little Ones through their Parents and Grandparents in His Name by His Word—CapAlert's extremely lengthy motto. They kinda went overboard in specifying that it's both "in His name" and "by His word." Isn't that redundant??

J

Jesus—The guy who runs the whole website. 

L

Lite—They say this instead of "light" for some reason. Example: "Lite PG-13."

N

N/A—A CapAlert rating. Differs from the "zero" or "not computed" ratings in that the N/A rating has only ever been given to one movie, and that movie is Brokeback Mountain. You can just guess. Notably but not surprisingly, despite the N/A and/or unreviewed status of the film, the CapAlert review for Brokeback Mountain is still almost five thousand words long. Granted, 50% of those words are Bible verses, but still. 

O

Open face kissing—This is the CapAlert way of saying “make-out session.” For some reason this description makes me nauseous. I'm forced to picture those zombies from Resident Evil—you know, the ones that can literally open their faces. Blech.

P

Pastor Thomas Carder—The reviewer and creator of the Cap Model thingy. Apparently has over 40 children. (No. I'm serious.) Very fond of archaic words and odd phrasing. Also, he's not even a real freakin' pastor!!!

R

R-PG—See R-13, but more ridiculous. No, R-PG does not mean a roleplaying game in CapAlert terminology. R-PG films are PG-rated movies that Pastor Carder thinks should have been rated R. Examples: Aliens in the Attic, Gulliver’s Travels, Paul Blart: Mall Cop, Puss in Boots, Rango, and also Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (which CapAlert rates “Lite R-PG,” but which I totally would have understood if they’d just gone ahead and rated it a Hard R. That movie fucking traumatized me as a kid!). Yes, that’s right, CapAlert believes Puss in Boots and Aliens in the Attic should have been given an R rating. And yes, they are totally serious. I love this website.

R-13—Movies that are rated PG-13 but who the CapAlert guy thinks should be rated R. Pretty self-explanatory. Also see Hard R-13, movies that are rated PG-13 but are especially evil. Examples: Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle (inexplicably the sequel but not the first one), 2005’s Fantastic Four (????), both Miss Congeniality movies (??????????), and all the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. R-13 is slightly less of a ridiculous qualifier than R-PG. But only slightly.

Rude gaze—See “suggestive eye movements,” it’s basically the same thing as far as I can tell. Examples: Stardust, RV, The Incredibles and Madagascar 3: “Eupore’s” Most Wanted (CapAlert has a ton of blatant spelling mistakes all over the place, by the way).

S

Sexual content—When a man looks at a woman who isn't his wife. Seriously. They are so incredibly loose with their idea of "sexual content" that the Poseidon review even includes, verbatim, "actor's hands on actress' breasts to portray cardiopulmonary resuscitation and without even checking to see if the woman had a pulse" as an example of lewd conduct. Without even checking for her pulse! Oh, my God, the scandal! (But at least he spelled the word cardiopulmonary right. That's surprising to me, considering he can't even manage to spell goddamn Europe correctly.) However, I was reading the Aeon Flux review, and for some reason I found absolutely no mention of the extremely passionate lesbian kiss that occurs like thirty seconds into the movie, if I recall correctly. I guess Pastor Carder fainted during that portion of the film and awoke unable to recall anything. (Which, having seen the movie Aeon Flux, I can undoubtedly say would be a gift from God.)

Suggestive eye movements—God, I don’t know. This is a recurring phrase in CapAlert-dom, and I’m guessing it apparently means when a movie character moves their eyes in a sexy way. Although I’m having a hard time picturing it. Examples: It’s a Wonderful Life (yes, really!), Big Momma’s House, Nutty Professor II: The Klumps, The Princess Diaries, The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas, The Iron Giant (yes, REALLY!), and Chicken Run (YES, REALLY!). As someone who’s seen Chicken Run like 41 times, I can’t think of any part in the movie where one of the chickens gives another a ‘suggestive eye movement,’ but I could be wrong, and CapAlert’s crazily accurate movie rating system could be right.  

T

™—A symbol you have to use literally every time you bring up someone else's copyrighted material. Literally every time. No exceptions. Examples: "Spy Kids™;" "The Joker™" (immediately followed by "Batman®"); "Toy Story™;" "Dukes of Hazard Country™" (which literally ISN'T EVEN A THING); "Star Trek™;" "Superman™;" "John Carter™;" "Fred, Wilma and Bamm-Bamm™;" "Buggs Bunny, Road runner™" (sic); "Pirates™;" "Wendy of Casper™ fame;" "Harry Potter™;" "Ken™;" "The Right Stuff™;" "Green Acres™" (is fucking Green Acres even trademarked after fifty years of being off the air????); and the list goes on. For some reason CapAlert thinks it's necessary to slap a trademark symbol behind every movie and character they mention. Also, what the hell is the "Dukes of Hazard Country"????? Seriously, I looked it up and that's not even a thing! What the hell did Pastor Carder see that made him think The Dukes of Hazzard was called "Dukes of Hazard Country"???

W

W.I.S.D.O.M. —The rules by which CapAlert judges the quality of movies. Stands for "Wanton violence/crime, Impudence/hate, Sexual immorality, Drugs/alcohol, Offense to God, and Murder/suicide." Which is a surprisingly decent acronym and shockingly un-shoehorned. Way to go! Pastor Carder should be an acronym writer for a living! 

Z

Zero—A remarkable CapAlert score received by only four movies: American Psycho, Freddy vs. Jason, Scary Movie (the first one but not the next five hundred of them, for some reason), and Sin City. It's also worth noting that several other movies have an even lower score than zero, because the reviewer hated them so much that he didn't even bother putting them through the highly scientific Cap computer thingy. These include Jackass (which he calls Jacka, for obvious reasons), 8mm, and Matilda, of all things. (He seriously hates Matilda. Just read the review.) For further reading, see N/A. 

So, that's the dictionary. I hope you found it incredibly informative. More (hopefully) coming soon! 

Welcome to Webcomic Hell 4: I don't even know how to subtitle this one

Hey, remember Plush and Blood? The horrible, horrible webcomic whose author suffers from clinically diagnosed delusions (well, diagnosed by me)? Well, here's a little update for y'all:

NOTHING HAS HAPPENED.

At least, not since April. That's right. In about six months, it has been radio silence in the world of Plush and Blood. No updates. Nothing on Facebook. Even the forums are silent. And on Patreon, the guy is shedding supporters and money like a college girl sheds phone numbers at a Christmas party.

Some part of me is a little suspicious about the timing of all this. I mean, I posted my first (scathing, rude) article about P&B in February, and two months later the guy just stops updating altogether? I'm not saying he somehow found my article and was so crushed he decided to drop off the face of the Earth, but one can only hope—er, I mean, because that would just be too bad.

Getting serious again, I will mention that my first Plush and Blood article has six times the views of most of my other published articles on this site. So it's entirely possible that some P&B fan found it and showed it to the author Messer, or perhaps he found it himself. I don't know. I don't particularly think it's likely that my article is the reason for all this silence, but you never know.

In any case, I can't help but feel a tiny bit satisfied over all this. As you probably know, I don't really think Messer's work has any artistic value, so it's no great loss to the world that he's decided not to update. And obviously he's not exactly devastating his legions of fans (pfft. What fans?) by going silent, so that's not a loss, either. And, one day, should the arrogant Mr. Messer return to his webcomic, it will be extremely interesting to see whether or not he acknowledges it. To me, he seems like the kind of guy who would just continue on as if nothing happened.

Also, it'll be interesting to see if he updates his Patreon page - which, several times, boldly proclaims I HAVE NEVER MISSED AN UPDATE IN MY ENTIRE LIFE - to reflect the truth that, oh no, he has missed hundreds of updates. Once again, I don't think he will. He's not the kind of guy who acknowledges his mistakes. He's the kind of guy who blames them on other people. I can just imagine his first returning post (if he ever does return) being, "Oh, you guys didn't give me enough money and that's why I stopped communicating with you altogether."

A last note: I honestly hope someone takes legal action against Mr. Messer. On his Patreon page he clearly promises consistent and reliable updates, but has not delivered anything in months. The people who have paid him their money (idiots, sorry but it has to be said - why the hell would you PAY for that trash?) have, honestly, been conned and swindled. They paid for a product that Messer has failed to deliver. There is something really sketchy here that, personally, I think could amount to theft and fraud. I think Messer needs to be kicked off Patreon at least, and in a perfect world should face legal action. Anyway, those are my thoughts.

This will, unless something ridiculously insane happens, probably be my last update on the status of Plush and Blood. I'm not planning to update with Welcome to Webcomic Hell 62: Nope, nothing has happened yet in the year 2018. There's only so much you can say about nothing.

Welcome to Webcomic Hell 3: Now in Shocking Black-and-White!

Sooo, only a few days after I delivered a somewhat scathing report of Corey Messer's seeming inability to update his damn comic, Messer has actually got around to adding two new pages. Two! In a whole three months! Hot damn! Maybe he'll add three more this year - just imagine!

Anyway, as you can see, he has updated, but in a surprising new fashion: apparently he's too busy to color his comic! Suddenly, Plush and Blood has made the jarring (and, both storywise and stylistically, completely unwarranted) switch to a sketch format. God, this is just too much.

A check of the comic's Facebook reveals no explanation for the sudden twist, so I'm going to assume there's a one-word explanation for it, and that word is lazy. Now it only remains to be seen if he updates the pages to the color format the fans (all 2 of them) deserve - or if he even updates at all.

Welcome to Webcomic Hell 2: The Tenth Circle (Update re: Plush and Blood)

So, on 23rd February of this year, I brought you the story of a terrible webcomic created by a questionable character. And today is May 30th, about three months later. So I thought I'd bring you an update. (This won't be long or in-depth, just a little thing I found interesting.)

Among other things, one of my criticisms of the comic Plush and Blood is that it promises to update on a rigorous schedule (and its author even brags about having NEVER MISSED AN UPDATE, and yes, he used emphasis), and yet, it just doesn't. Tuesdays and Thursdays are supposed to be the days it updates, as it says on the main page. Here are two screenshots:

^ From the comic itself.

^ From the author's (obnoxious) Patron.

Now, given this, you'd expect the comic to be dozens of pages ahead where it was when I critiqued it in February - and you'll see in my original post, which you can see has not been edited since February (which is proof that I'm not making this up), the comic was at page 1009 back then. So you'd expect it to be in the 1050s by now, or around thereabouts. (It's one in the morning. I'm not doing math right now.) Anyway, you'd expect the comic to be several dozens of pages ahead where it was back then, right?

WRONG, SIR. 

The comic is currently no further than page 1015, a mere six pages ahead of where it was when last I gazed upon its hellish contents. Notably, author Corey Messer's Facebook hasn't updated since April first, and the most recent posting on the Plush and Blood forums dates from eleven days ago, and is interestingly not from Messer himself (who hasn't posted since December of last year, far as I can tell).

Also interestingly, the last post (from 11 days ago) is in a roleplaying forum, not a fan in the Plush and Blood section asking what the hell happened to the webcomic. Actually, there are literally no comments in the Plush and Blood sections from fans who want to know what the hell's going on. In fact, most of the comments in those sections date from 2015, and the most recent one is from January. The same deal is happening on his Facebook: all of the comments date from April or earlier, and no one has bothered to ask (or demand, as they should) what the hell is going on with their webcomic. Does Messer actually have legions of screaming fans who would die for another page of his glorious, superior artwork, as he seems to believe? Hmm. Seems not.

So what happened? Did Corey Messer die? Did he just give up, realizing his fans don't give a shit? Will he mysteriously pop back into existence a few months from now and blame his absence on the birth of a new baby or something? One thing's for sure, if he comes back, you can bet your bippy he'll be pretending that nothing ever happened, and the next time he updates his Patreon, he'll still be screaming about how he's NEVER MISSED AN UPDATE and how HIS LOYAL FANS LOVE HIS AMAZEBALLS WORK THAT'S SO SUPERIOR TO ALL OTHER WEBCOMICS. Except... they don't. What little fans he has left obviously don't give a shit about him.

I don't have much left to say, except "pride goes before a fall" and all that. It'll be interesting to see whether Messer ever comes back into existence and actually has an excuse for his unexplained hiatus, but somehow I doubt he's the kind of guy who bothers explaining for himself or apologizing. But at least, if he never does come back, I don't think there will be a whole lot of people who are sad about it. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I would be remiss not to mention how Mr. Messer has somehow managed to convince 62 of his fans to pay him a cumulative $265 a month so that he'll continue to regularly update, which he has obviously not done. I hope some of those fans either stop paying Messer the money that he's not worth, or sue his ass to kingdom come for stealing their money and then not delivering the product he promised (i.e., regular updates).

I close with a quote from Corey Messer (again, from his Patreon, and emphasis is his):

"To close, this is as near a sure thing as you can get. I do not need to make constant promises that the comic will continue to update or that I will do my job until the end. I have already established my fortitude, dedication, and motivation with the completion of The Unstuffed. Memory's Threads will run to completion without failure."

Yeah. Right.

Welcome to webcomic hell

So today I'm going to shift gears a little bit from movies to webcomics. One webcomic in particular: Plush and Blood, authored by one TiredOrangeCat, and described by him as a "brutal, dark, philosophical journey." Is it? Well, let's find out.

"What the hell are you doing talking about a webcomic?" is no doubt your plaintive cry. "You're a film and TV kind of asshole." Well, you're not wrong. To be perfectly honest I'm only posting this here because to post it on Tumblr would be to possible invite hatred and rage (and maybe a lawsuit? Americans are awfully litigious) from the (presumably?) multiple fans of Plush and Blood. I don't want that. I just want to get this off my chest. And if you indeed are a fan of Plush and Blood who has somehow arrived here by chance or design, be forewarned: this is gonna be awfully slanderous. Note that all quotes are taken from the comic's Patreon page.

The author of Plush and Blood is TiredOrangeCat, or Corey Messer as his real name ostensibly is. And he seems to think (according to his Patreon) that his poorly-drawn, poorly-edited, lazily designed, badly-structured incomprehensible mess of an excuse for furry-bait is somehow God's gift to webcomics. And he's wrong. Wrong, I tell you.

While reading another webcomic, I was directed through an advertisement to Plush and Blood. I didn't click because I thought it looked cool or anything, just mostly because I thought it looked like a terribly drawn schlocky furry comic and I just love that type of thing. And I might actually have grown to appreciate Plush and Blood - it's basically the webcomic equivalent of The Room, and if you know me you know I love The Room - if only its author wasn't also basically equivalent to Tommy Wiseau, in the fact that he delusionally believes his terrible work of art to be a masterpiece worthy of praise and admiration and all the dollars his fans can possibly afford to throw at it.

And also, sadly, unlike the illustrious Mr. Wiseau (whose great name I would never slander), Messer doesn't even have the benefit of ambiguous foreignness and abject insanity to explain away his arrogance. He seems like a normal, non-insane, non-off-the-rails guy...who just happens to be an arrogant, deluded douchenozzle. Sadly, there's no entertainment value in that.

After reading the nigh-on incomprehensible first few pages of Plush and Blood (more about that later), I grew bored quickly and decided to read the guy's Patreon. (You can tell a lot about a comic and its author by its Patreon.) I was surprised and a bit miffed by the level of preening I found there. When you're trying to appeal to a fan base that has the potential to become your employer, you want to be kind and respectful and not arrogant. But it seems Corey Messer skipped that Webcomics 101 lesson, because this shit is the most arrogant self-advertisement for a webcomic I've ever read in my life.

In occasionally-poor grammar, Messer writes several paragraphs about how his webcomic is superior to all others - mainly because it's dark and philosophical, updates regularly, and maintains a thick buffer. (All things that 99.9999% of webcomics boast, by the way. You're not special for updating on a schedule.) But he doesn't only paint himself as superior, he insults webcomicdom at large, more than once, to make his point. Quote directly from the delightful man himself:

"So I ask you[,] dear reader, to look around at all the plagiarized and stolen intellectual properties, cliche and trope[-]driven stories, and shallow Mary-[S]ue riddled characters in the [webcomic] world; I ask you[,] dear reader[,] would you rather be reading that, or something original, well[-]structured, and enthralling[,] such as Plush and Blood[?]"

(Brackets indicate where I've fixed his grammar, punctuation, spelling or capitalization. You may notice there are a lot of brackets.)

Now, if you're going to talk that kind of arrogant and pretentious talk, you'd better walk that walk and have the best goddamn art and story there is. Here's a little quiz for you. True or false: Does the author deliver on his arrogant boasts?

(T) (F)

Check one. And obviously you've passed, because of course the answer is a hearty solid no. Plush and Blood is incomprehensible both in art and story. The grammar is atrocious and the "dark and philosophical" edginess seems to consist of the occasional f-word and splatter of gore. Basically this is an ugly, badly-drawn piece of furry-bait with nothing special to back it up.

Another couple quotes from the Patreon:

"During those four years life happens with its ups and downs, yet I never missed an update."

"Having never missed an update and maintaining a thick buffer of finished pages I set up a unique system for the fans to gain further access to more updates."

(Bold emphasis is his, not mine. And by the way, that "unique system" entails the fans giving him money to "unlock" more updates. Wow. Super unique.)

The guy is extremely braggy about how he's "never missed an update", and the main page mentions how the comic is meant to update Tuesdays and Thursdays, but, uh, it's February 23rd, and the last update was somewhere around January 30th. As I write this, the comic has just now updated - after a several-weeks-long unannounced hiatus, which seems to actually be the norm for Plush and Blood.

It seems that almost every time I check the comic, it's at the same page as before. The author does not update as regularly as he likes to say he does. And honestly, that's the absolute least thing that a self-assessed God of Webcomics could do. Updating your comic on a regular schedule is the most basic way possible to have respect for your fans and to, you know, actually have something approaching professionalism. And he doesn't deliver even on that simple promise. In fact, he makes his fans pay for regular updates - something that even the most lowly of unread webcomics can achieve without being paid - and then proceeds to rip them off by not delivering. Huh.

Now, the one thing that Messer doesn't explicitly claim to be is a superior artist whose brilliant work eclipses that of all other webcomic creators; but given the level of arrogance and delusion he's displayed thus far, it's not a stretch to assume he thinks of himself as one. But...is he one? Well, take a guess, and you'll probably be right.

Here's a nice little tidbit: in a rare show of humbleness, Messer acknowledges his early artwork was poor: "The comic started with a completed script and a simple style." Good, some humility! But, oh, what's this next sentence? "The style took on a life of its own and evolved into a sophisticated and consistent look." Um... no. It didn't.

The first page of Plush and Blood looks like this. Look at that. See if you can suss out what the hell that's supposed to be. Incomprehensible, you say? Well, I say so, too. When you're looking at a comic page, you shouldn't have to squint and concentrate just to figure out what the hell you're looking at. It should come naturally. That's the mark of a half-decent artist. And it only gets worse (read: funnier). Meet the first character to appear in the comic:




Page 3 is absolutely horrendous. It took me a moment of squinting to realize I'm looking at (I assume?) a... truck,...? driving around a.... thing. And the last panel is...some kind of large building...? And... Well, let's just move on to the next page of interest, page 5.



Be honest here. How long did you have to stare at that incomprehensibly badly drawn blob of fur before you realized it was an overhead shot of Furry McScarface carrying some sort of metal box? For me it was around ten seconds. Yes, I know I'm a genius, don't flatter me.

Now we're at page seven. Page seven is literally just a gray square, another gray square, and then a gray square with the word *thud* written over it in what looks like Microsoft WordArt. And page ten introduces one of the most badly drawn group of characters I have ever seen, bar none, on a professional money-earning webcomic. And...

Oh, for God's sake. Look, I know most webcomic authors start out as poorer artists and then improve, but this is absolutely beyond amateurish. This is terrible.

And just for the benefit of hindsight, I skipped to random pages - 160 and 240 and 699 - and found that there's not much improvement. This webcomic is horribly, inexcusably drawn. It's ugly and lazy, the level at which you'd expect a twelve-year-old aspiring furry to scribble and post on her Tumblr. And she doesn't even use a scanner to post it. She takes a photograph. Because she's unprofessional. Sort of like Corey Messer.

The man has been drawing the comic since two thousand and fucking six, and yet his art has only improved marginally. Other gripes: on this page, he re-uses panels (the two lower middle panels), a sure sign of a lazy artist who doesn't want to do more work than he absolutely has to. And as you can see on the most recent page - specifically, the middle section - he has very little grasp on how to properly lay out a page so that the action actually makes sense. Like I said, Messer has been drawing for ten years - long enough to crank out one thousand and nine pages - and somehow he's only marginally improved.

Speaking of cranking out pages, one of Messer's Patreon bragging points is that he designed his comic to be a story with an end, and that he absolutely hates when other webcomics don't do the same. In his own words:

"Unlike most [webcomics] out there, this story had an ending planned well in advance. This made it unique in that it was an actual story, complete with plot/character arcs that ended and not something that was wrung to death in an effort to make it last forever."

And then, a few sentences later...

"[The fans] waited patiently for an entire year as I wrote the second story in the Plush and Blood universe titled, Memory's Threads. The script itself is 440 pages long and will be an estimated 1200 comic pages in length."

(Emphasis is mine.)

And then, a few sentences after that...

"I have a third story penned after Memory's Threads titled Patchwork Lives. It will deal with the rise of the Plush and what they have learned from their past."

(Emphasis, in this case, not mine.)

The man insults webcomics that are "wrung to death in an effort to make [them] last forever", and then TWO SENTENCES LATER he mentions how he's written TWO SEQUELS to the original story, and asks for money to complete them! I'm not even going to comment further on this bullshit. I'm sure you're smart enough to tell why this is the shittiest shit that ever fell out of the back end of a bull. Moving on.

To conclude. If I had just taken a look at the comic without reading the Patreon, I'd have chalked it up to the worst-quality comic I'd ever seen advertised on Project Wonderful, and left it at that. However, Messer's Patreon turns this nonsensical comic into an entirely different story. The man is not only pretentious and arrogant, he's deluded. He somehow thinks that his mess of a webcomic is the superior standard that other webcomic should look up to in awe - just because he claims to follow standards that other comics have been holding (and not bragging about it) for literally decades. And some of those standards (updating on a schedule, as he's promised), he can't even seem to fulfill properly.

The man is a poor artist, and on top of that he seems to have a poor personality as well. There's confidence in your abilities and pride in your work - which of course is a wonderful thing to have - and then there's the arrogant belief that your work is superior when it really isn't, the category to which this author belongs.

The story of the comic is nowhere near the amazingly profound and edgy philosophical dystopia the author proclaims it to be; instead - partly due to his inability to structure his panels properly, write decipherable sentences, or draw a comprehensible scene - it's a barely-understandable mess with characters who are less than cardboard cutouts. It's kind of funny, but mostly it's just sad.

A little addendum: I've skimmed through the comic's forums and found a delightful little post by the author here (scroll down; it's the long and obnoxious-looking post, sixth on the page, by TiredOrangeCat) that neatly summarizes exactly what I dislike about this guy. He succinctly insults pretty much every genre of webcomic known to man in a patronizing, "oh-I'm-so-intellectual-I-wear-a-fedora" kind of way. And then, in a stopped-clock moment, he proceeds to - in a direct contradiction of his Patreon - acknowledge that Plush and Blood sucks (the only place I've seen him do so, by the way). But unfortunately he follows this nice and warrented slice of humble pie with a hefty dose of blaming his comic's lack of quality on his lack of time to perfect it, rather than his lack of talent or effort.

Frankly, given what I've seen of the webcomic and the author's attitude, it is very much rather the latter than the former that affects the quality of Plush and Blood. I've read webcomics with a million times the quality in every way of Plush and Blood whose authors are overworked, overstressed and tired to the nth degree and yet somehow manage to put more effort into their work and come out looking ten times better than Corey Messer. I've seen artists whose work is as beautiful as anything I've ever seen, whose art is stylized in their own way and yet pleases the eye immensely, and yet the only reason I ever saw their work is because they were asking for donations so they'd have more time to complete it. Lack of time is no excuse for lack of talent or lack of effort.  

The author's arrogance is not only unwarranted, it's annoying. It's clear - he outright states it - that he considers his comic to be superior to most other webcomics. And yet, for all the reasons I've listed here, he is utterly wrong. His comic is artistically poor, and that's putting it mildly. It's about the quality I'd expect a 12-year-old to produce - both in maturity and in artistic quality. In fact, I've seen art done by twelve-year-olds that not only rivals but exceeds that of Plush and Blood, even its most recent pages which have been allowed ten years of improvement but have not improved at all. He is an arrogant jerk who is utterly in the dark about the true quality of his comic, and if I were him, I'd lose my arrogant short-sightedness and expand my reading to include all different types of webcomics so I could learn from people who've been doing it better than I have. Then, at least, maybe, there'd be some improvement in Plush and Blood.