"Boy, for a straight guy you're dramatic!"
- Tim Allen as Zoom
This was my first Bad Movie.
Oh, I'm sure I'd seen worse at that age. But as an eight-ish-year-old kid, this was the first movie where I distinctly remember sitting in the theater and thinking in my head, "This is not good. This is not a quality movie. I don't like this. This is awful. I want to go home."
And yet, I don't know why - maybe because I was a masochist - I would watch it again as a kid, and again, repulsed and fascinated. I grew to hate this movie, really hate it, deep in the marrow of my bones. So much that in 2014, I wrote a brief, but decidedly revolted and hateful, review of it. The review is... not great. It points out a lot of things I thought were wrong with this movie, but it doesn't go as in-depth as it should, it's not funny, and - of course; it was published in 2014 - it's terribly written. So I thought I'd redo it.
Any problems with this? Well... I haven't watched Zoom in four years. And, terrifyingly, I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm going to end up ironically loving it when I do rewatch it. Sure, I hated it in 2014, but today? A schlubby Tim Allen barely giving a shit or earning his paycheck, blandly and annoyedly reacting to all kinds of weird superhero shit happening around him? Courteney Cox as an eccentric scientist who can spit rainbows? Superpowered children teaming up to torture Chevy Chase? Awful special effects? Genuinely the weirdest plot of any superhero movie I've ever seen? Cringeworthy humor? A "training montage" where everyone just stands around trying to dodge paintballs? A 3% rating on Rotten Tomatoes?
Oh, no. I think I'm going to watch this again and love it.
Well. Here we go into the fray.
Zoom: Academy for Superheroes came out in 2006 and was generally regarded as the vastly inferior stillborn twin of Sky High, another semi-parody about superpowered kids that was released a year prior. Both movies featured songs by Bowling for Soup. Make of that what you will. While Sky High was well-received by everyone and could probably be called a cult film today, Zoom, as I mentioned, didn't fare nearly as well. It got a three percent on Rotten Tomatoes. Why does 3% seem so much more pathetic than 0%? I don't know. Something psychological, I guess.
Like I mentioned, Zoom features a bunch of kids with superpowers. The general plot is that, 30 years ago, there was a team of young heroes called the Zenith team who fought evil together, but one of them - this movie's villain, Concussion - turned to the dark side and attacked the rest before being banished to another dimension or something stupid like that. And, although they only ever appear in a goddamn picture, the Zenith team are played by some pretty huge-name actors. Why would you hire Alexis Bledel at the height of her Gilmore Girls fame to appear in a photo for three seconds? And Wilmer Valderrama wasn't exactly an unknown, either. You guys do know you could have just used stock photos, right...?
The only survivor of Concussion's turn to the dark side was his brother, the super-speedy Zoom (Tim Allen in the worst role I have ever seen him in, and I've seen The Shaggy Dog, so that's saying something). After the incident, Zoom mostly lost his powers - except, get this, in one finger (ooh la la) - and became an auto mechanic so lazy that he uses said finger to blend smoothies. Get yourself a blender!!!
So, after 30 years, Concussion somehow manages to escape the... other dimension (god this plot point is stupid), and the movie puts a dumbass clock on how much time there is before the villain breaks back into our world and kills us all. To stop this from happening, the government - including Rip Torn, Chevy Chase and Courteney Cox playing three of the most unlikable characters of all time ever - decides to assemble a new Zenith team to fight him. Out of literal children, because why not? (Real talk: I haven't rewatched the movie yet while I'm writing this, so I don't remember if they ever explain why it has to be children, but even if they do attempt to explain it, it's ridiculous.)
And so, Tim Allen is called back into action to train this new team, including telekinetic Summer, played by a young Kate Mara, who spends her spare time splattering bullies with nasty cafeteria food; Dylan, played by some guy called Michael Cassidy who went on to do absolutely nothing after this came out, who can turn invisible and astral project; Tucker, played by Abigail's younger brother Spencer Breslin, who has the power of inflating himself, and about whom a metric ton (excuse the pun) of fat jokes are made; and Cindy, played by Ryan Newman (who shockingly enough is still around in Hollywood), a six-year-old with super strength.
I spent much of my last review talking about how much I hated the character Cindy. Today, I look back on this fact with suspicion. Why did I hate Cindy? I don't know. Having not watched this movie in years, I cannot recall why I had such resentment for this child. Sure, she kind of uses her powers to bully people... but for real. She's six. Cut her some slack, past Shady. Then again, I might rewatch the movie and realize I was totally right and Cindy is the worst character ever. We will see.
I have to make mention of the fact that Kate Mara is in this movie, and between this and Fant4stic, maybe Hollywood should reconsider casting her in superhero movies. I mean, don't get me wrong, I don't think Zoom is her fault. She actually puts in the best effort of anyone in the whole thing. But still, is there something about this person that causes superhero films to suck? Is there a Kate Mara curse in Hollywood?
Most of the movie concerns Zoom's efforts to teach and train the new Zenith team, which is difficult, considering that he doesn't even want to be there and all the kids hate his guts. Of course, the kids eventually look up to him as a father figure after he takes them out to Wendy's in a literal UFO (more on that later), and the fight with the bad guy ends in success and everyone's happy, the end. But there's a lot of weird shit in between, and it's that weird shit that's my bread and butter.
One final note before we get to the actual recap/review: while Sky High's soundtrack is composed of totally acceptable pop-rock covers of 80s songs, Zoom's soundtrack is 95% Smash Mouth. This is a big detail that will probably make or break this movie for you: in every other scene, Smash Mouth is in the background, cruising along with their obnoxious 2006-era alt-rock and singing with the same loud, distinctive voice that gave us "All Star." So if you're not prepared to watch a movie where Smash Mouth provides the music, this isn't the one for you, my friend. Sure, this choice is totally bizarre, but so is everything else about this cinematic trainwreck.
Let us begin.
The first scene in Zoom is a comic-style animated intro where Courteney Cox provides some exposition via voiceover, and if it hadn't been directly ripped off from Sky High, I'd call this scene pretty brilliant. The animation is fun, the comic-book theme is great, and it's basically a way better introductory scene than this abysmal movie deserves. But, again... Sky High did it first. (This is probably the most brazenly ripped-off part of the movie, by the way. It's blatant as fuck.)
If only the rest of the movie was this good.
Of course, you'll notice right away that the movie gets that Smash Mouth rolling immediately. "So Insane," the background song to this introductory scene, is without a single fucking doubt the best contribution that Smash Mouth has to offer here. In fact, it was "So Insane" randomly getting stuck in my head after years of forgetting it existed that prompted me to write this review. "So Insane" is not even a bad song. It's a good song. Which is a LOT better than I can say for the other Smash Mouth offerings that Zoom forces into our ears.
What I'm trying to say: everything about this opening scene, up to and including Courteney Cox's acting, is calculated to fool you into believing you're about to watch a much better movie than you really are.
By the way, I'd kick myself if I didn't include the Sky High intro that I'm accusing Zoom of ripping off. It's not even an accusation, though - more like a statement of fact. Unfortunately, this crappy video is the only version of this scene that I can find on the internet, but still... you can see it's blatantly the same thing.
And, with much sorrow, I have to say... I like the Zoom
intro better. But this does NOT apply to the rest of the
movie.
I shouldn't have watched that Sky High intro, though, because now I want to gush about Sky High being great and I have to physically stop myself. The lowdown - Sky High is probably one of the most fun, funny, completely entertaining superhero flicks that's ever been made, and it has a lot to say about the hero/villain/sidekick dynamic, and it's unfairly forgotten and/or dismissed as a Disney Channel movie, and you should go watch it right now. Okay, I'm done.
Anyway, the intro tells us what I've already told you: the Zenith team were superheroes who fought evil, until one of their members, Concussion, was turned evil by "gamma-13" used by the government to enhance the team's powers; he killed the rest except Zoom and then was banished to another dimension.
After the shockingly good animated intro, the movie immediately regresses to credits in weird font literally swooshing onto the screen while an astoundingly generic score listlessly saws in the background, and you realize: Oh. This is actually gonna be bad.
This font belongs in a Garfield movie.
In a secret government facility, Scientist Chevy Chase informs No-Nonsense General Rip Torn that something weird is coming Earth's way. What he actually says is "We've been tracking a pan-dimensional anomaly that seems to be moving toward our time-space continuum." That's pretty simple to understand, right? Not for Rip Torn, who sarcastically responds, "I speak Greek, not geek."
Wow. This movie is sooooooooooooooooooo clever.
Chevy Chase then simplifies things down, telling Rip Torn that the evil Concussion is returning to Earth to kick everyone's ass. Rip Torn insists that Concussion was destroyed. An exhausted-looking Chevy Chase nods his head for a few moments and then goes, "Nope." Rip Torn insists, "We were both there, we saw it!" Chevy Chase once again nods for a few seconds and repeats, "Nope." And why is this so funny to me? Why did I laugh at this? Someone help me.
Some sort of sciency timer indicates that they've got 12 days until Concussion comes back. Rip Torn decides to re-activate the Zenith program and find some superpowered kids to defeat Concussion, with Zoom as their trainer. Problem is, Zoom has been inactive for years, and Chevy Chase (who apparently won a Nobel Prize???) doesn't think he'll be receptive to their pleas.
We then head to Long Beach, to an auto shop where the motto is "You can't rush speed," which I think is a terrible catchphrase. You're basically telling your customers, "Your oil change is going to take 10 days whether you like it or not, if I'm feeling especially chipper." I would literally never go to this auto shop. Fuck this motto.
In the auto shop, we meet the owner, Jack/Zoom (Tim Allen), the schlubbiest schlub who ever schlubbed. He places a banana, some chocolate sauce, and ice cream into a cup. He then, as I mentioned, vibrates his finger really really fast and mixes it into a smoothie. I guess he's too poor to afford a blender, and one can see why, given his business's awful motto. Also... I don't know if I'm going too far with this... but Jack would be a fucking emperor in the bedroom. Ladies, you know what I'm talking about. If women had these powers, no man would ever get a date again.
Jack then witnesses a hot lady (Courteney Cox, god bless her) in a green dress standing around outside. She proceeds to pretend to get hit by a car, whereupon Jack runs to help (though not speedily) and takes her into the auto shop. Courteney Cox then slips on some grease on the floor and falls down, and prepare yourself, because this is the only character trait this woman has throughout the movie: she slips and falls a lot.
Then, a carful of suited, sunglasses-wearing government guys and Scientist Chevy Chase (okay, his name is Dr. Grant) pull up. And... for real... I don't know what the plan was with Courteney Cox. What was accomplished by her faking being hit by a car? She didn't, like, infiltrate the auto shop or anything. She didn't do anything. The government guys just pulled up in their car without her having helped whatsoever in that endeavor. Someone tell me what is happening.
Dr. Grant informs Jack that they're starting up a new Zenith team. Jack says, "You can't be serious." The lady says, "Oh, but we are serious, Mr. Shepherd!" To which Jack responds, "Why is the green dress talking?"
Anyway, moving on from that misogyny. Jack learns that the "green dress" is Dr. Holloway, and she and Chevy Chase beg Jack to help. When Zoom refuses to come, Chevy Chase whips out a dart gun. Yes, these government guys are motherfucking not playing around.
We are then introduced to our young superheroes, with the scene transition being marked by the Zenith team logo flashing on the screen, which happens a lot throughout the movie. And which also happened in Sky High. Totally not the exact same thing or anything.
And, of course, in this scene a Smash Mouth song plays in the background. This one is... not good. No comment.
First up is Cindy (Ryan Newman), a six-year-old dressed like a cowboy who's trick-or-treating by herself for some unholy reason. Then, this older kid tries to steal her candy, calling her "Howdy Doo-Doo," and I feel like a 50-year-old man wrote this movie, because kids in 2006 had no idea who Howdy Doody was. With super-strength, Cindy ends up throwing him into a tree. Why did I ever hate Cindy? I love you, you badass little cowboy.
Next up is Summer (Kate Mara), who, at around 23, already looks way too elderly to be playing a 16-year-old kid. In fact, every single kid in this movie who's meant to be a teenager looks like they should already be planning for retirement.
If these are 16-year-olds, I'm Ray Liotta.
Some mean girls, cheerleaders because of course they are, start bullying Summer in the cafeteria, whereupon she telekinetically causes a bunch of nasty-looking food to splatter all over their uniforms. For real, I can't even figure out what kind of food this is supposed to be. It looks like hot diarrhea.
Three-week-old chili, maybe????
Then, we meet 17-year-old Dylan (Michael Cassidy), who may look somewhat older than seventeen, but goddamn, if the random woman beside him doesn't look like she should be using a cane and ordering the neighborhood youth to get off her yard.
Seriously, does no one in Hollywood know what
a teenager looks like????
The teacher orders Dylan to get to the front and finish a math equation. And, in the background, there's a poster on the wall that says "Tutoring? Math, English - see Miss Morrsmart." Miss... Morrsmart.
This movie really thinks it's the cleverest thing ever made.
It's cute.
Here comes our last hero, 12-year-old Tucker (Spencer Breslin), who is fat, and that's all you need to know. Spencer Breslin basically got paid thousands of dollars to have people mock his weight for two straight hours of footage. He is a walking, talking, breathing fat joke. His only character trait is "fat." His superpower is getting fatter. I just hate this character, I hate that the assholes who created this movie subjected this poor kid to this nonsense, no matter how much they paid him for it, and I'm just pissed. In 2006, didn't we all know better than this? End this nonsense. I'm not even going to comment any more on it. (Okay, well, I probably am. Just not any more in this paragraph.)
And not to be judgemental, but if I may mention, Spencer Breslin's filmography includes two Santa Clause movies, The Cat in the Hat, The Shaggy Dog, AND The Happening. Gosh. I wonder why his career never took off. Whoever was making the cinematic decisions for this kid should be fired, rehired, and fired again. (He did, however, speak one of the most iconic lines in The Happening, namely "We just want some food for a little girl, ya pussies!")
Anyway, Tucker is about to jump into a pool, whereupon some douche kid calls him "Lard Butt." And frankly, this particular kid shouldn't be calling anyone "Lard Butt."
You're, what, half a pound lighter than him?
Gimme a break.
When Tucker jumps into the pool, he.... expands his ass.... to gigantic size.... creating a tsunami...
No comment.
Look, there's been a lot of shit in this movie so far, but it's at this particular moment when you finally realize that the intro was a total fluke and Zoom is not for anyone over the age of six.
We head back to Jack, who is now in "Area 52," awakening from being shot with a dart. Dr. Grant informs him that he can either stay here or go to prison, and... why? Why on Earth would Jack go to jail? He hasn't done anything wrong or illegal. He's essentially being kidnapped and blackmailed for no real cause, and the coming rebellion against this tyrannical government should be the real story here.
Dr. Grant then tells Jack that if he does stay, he'll get paid $500,000. To which Jack replies, "You know, you could've just said that instead of shooting me with a dart."
With this facial expression.
If you haven't seen Zoom, you cannot understand - and I cannot accurately impart unto you - the sheer magnitude with which Tim Allen does not give a fuck in this movie. He was so very clearly just here to collect his paycheck and go. He gives nothing to every single line reading. He's bored, disinterested, and annoyed at everything going on around him. It is AMAZING. It may be the single greatest bad movie performance I have ever witnessed, and I've witnessed some legends. (Not counting Tommy Wiseau, of course, because he's a god and there's no topping a god.)
In a hallway, Jack encounters Dr. Holloway, who attempts to greet him in a friendly manner only to slip and fall once again, because didn't I tell you, that is all this character ever fucking does.
Behold: Courteney Cox's performance in Zoom, captured
in one screenshot.
Jack proceeds to ask her if she has "an inner ear problem or something," and GOD, why am I starting to love this dumbass movie?
Holloway fangirls at Jack for a while, geekily telling him about all the comic books she's got "still in their original plastic sleeves," while Jack continuously demands if she still has the green dress. Because Jack is horny and there is no stopping him. He's also a misogynist and there's no stopping that, either, but whatever. Both of these characters are awful.
Jack gets introduced to a room full of scientist-type guys, and the first thing he says is, "Show of hands: who here does not live in their mom's basement?" Guys. I'm starting to ironically love this movie. It's just as I predicted. SOMEONE SEND HELP. Anyway, Jack is asked to help choose the right candidates for the potential Zenith team out of a pool of 10 superpowered kids. Holloway expresses her confidence that they can develop the kids' powers further without the use of gamma-13 treatments, to which Jack is doubtful, and this is a big plot point later on, so remember it.
We now get a montage of superpowered kid auditions, which is actually pretty boring and, once again, set to an awful Smash Mouth song. (After you sit through the rest of these abysmal songs, "So Insane" will start to sound like "My Heart Will Go On.") And not to harp on the whole "Zoom ripped off Sky High" theme, but it did, and this "audition" scene is a complete Xerox of the power placement scene that Sky High gave us, which was a million times funnier and better, of course.
Most of the auditioners have absolutely no superhero talent whatsoever, and one questions why they were even asked to audition in the first place. One kid can blink really fast, another kid blows spitballs, one kid simply farts really loud ("Jupiter the Gas Giant," as he introduces himself), and there's also my personal favorite, Kid Who Blows Huge Snot Bubbles.
Wasn't joking.
This movie sucks, guys. I only ironically love Tim Allen and that's it.
Of course, our four main kids audition as well, and their auditions get them hired to the Zenith team. First up is Dylan, who turns "invisible."
You.... you can totally still see him. This is not a superpower.
Next comes Cindy, who starts off by singing the alphabet, and upon being told her voice is average by Jack (who really needs to chill), she picks up the desk they're sitting at and throws it across the room, probably almost killing several people in the process. Because Cindy? Violent as FUCK. What's more dangerous than a spoiled six-year-old with super strength? Could the answer be "nothing on the planet?"
Summer's audition is pretty uneventful; she throws a glass across the room and then randomly tells Jack that he "suffers from a massive inferiority complex." Which... okay, very fair. Then comes Tucker, who, as you know, I hate everything about. When Tucker is literally just standing in front of them, Jack goes, "Is he doing it, or is he just naturally that chubby?" Are you serious? Come on, even adults are making fun of this kid's weight for no reason! For being released as recently as 2006, this movie is super irresponsible when it comes to the portrayal of bullying and weight-shaming. I'm actually 100% serious about this.
Anyway, Tucker enlarges first his foot, and then his head. It's... horrifying.
THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!!!
So now, our four main kids have been accepted into the program or whatever, and the real training begins, which, for some reason, involves them donning some very stupid-looking honey yellow suits. As well as dog tags, which is kind of dark, considering that dog tags are meant to help identify dead bodies.
Dylan has apparently spent a good amount of time hitting on Summer, because this movie is going to have not one but TWO romance subplots. Which is what we all needed and wanted, I'm sure. Holloway comes in and introduces the kids to "a very great man," Jack, who... burps very loudly for like 5 full seconds.
Sadly, the single funniest thing in this movie is
Tim Allen being a schlub.
There is immediate tension between the young heroes and Jack, for obvious reason, as Jack clearly hates kids and the kids can't stand the idea of being trained by this loser. The kids also bicker with each other over the difference between "different/special," and... I hate every single one of these characters, they all suck, can I go home now?
Jack tries to calm everyone down by telling the kids he spent a lot of time in this secret base "when I was your age," and... the kids range from 6 to 17, Jack, so whose age are you talking about, exactly??? He then informs them that the Zenith program ruined his life by zapping him with that sweet gamma-13, which pisses off Holloway, Dr. Grant and Rip Torn. We the audience then learns that Jack is serving as bait for Concussion, who is... following him here... from across dimensions...
I honestly have no idea how this dimensional shit works. NO clue. The film doesn't either, by the way, so don't go looking to Zoom for answers. This movie has no inkling of how its universe operates and doesn't care either. The fart jokes are more important.
We also learn that Rip Torn wants to dose the kids with gamma-13 because otherwise, they won't be ready to fight Concussion in time for his arrival. By the way, in case you were wondering (but I know you probably weren't), no, gamma-13 is not a real thing. It's possibly a reference to the omega 13 device from Galaxy Quest, a vastly superior Tim Allen movie. To be honest, realizing that Zoom tried to reference Galaxy Quest just makes me sad, man. (One reviewer said that Zoom "could have been the Galaxy Quest of superhero movies." This is categorically incorrect. Also, Sky High was already the Galaxy Quest of superhero movies.)
Jack and Holloway have an argument during which Jack says, "I'm being asked to betray children for money," which is perhaps the movie's deepest and most thought-provoking plot point and so, of course, it barely gets any exploration or air time whatsoever. It's true, by the way - Jack is essentially being paid to exploit these four kids and turn them into military weapons at any cost. It's kind of dark when you think about it. Zoom does not waste any time thinking about it.
Jack randomly stops talking and then says, "I left a little pause in there in case you wanted to slip and fall again." I love Jack. I'm sorry. I really do. This movie being vaguely self-aware about how much it sucks is the only thing it's got going for it.
Later, Dr. Grant shows Jack that his old superhero suit is hidden away in a closet Mr. Incredible-style, and can somebody tell me why this thing is GLOWING?
For real, is there a reason for this???
Holloway later shows the kids her vintage comic book collection, which the kids manhandle with their Cheeto-coated fingers without even donning the PH-balance gloves Holloway offered them. Dicks. Holloway wants the kids to read the comics and realize that there was actually a time 30 years ago when Jack didn't suck, so that maybe they'll respect him a teensy tad more. I don't know if these particular comic books will help in that regard, though. Not only do they look nothing like the introduction of the movie showed... they're actually fucking hideous.
His arm looks like the remnant of a vestigial twin.
Holloway says that Zoom was "faster than Quicksilver, the Flash and Superman all together," and... I really don't believe this. I don't even know jack shit about comics and I don't believe this. Comic fans everywhere should be insulted by this bullshit.
There are some lines in this movie that really make you say "What the fuck," with 95% of them being uttered by Tim Allen. Case in point: this scene where the kids approach him in awe after learning he's a superhero. Jack goes, "I'm not a superhero, there's no such thing as superheroes, and no matter what people around here tell you, you are not superheroes." Of course, Cindy and Tucker are like, "WE'RE SUPERHEROES?" To which Jack replies, "You're definitely white kids, I'll tell you that."
...............what does this line mean?
This scene is pretty emblematic of the rest of the movie: the children are asking perfectly reasonable questions, while Jack continuously treats them with utter contempt for NO reason whatsoever. He's so freaking mean toward them, and it's anger-inducing in me today in a way that it wasn't when I was younger. Adults, you don't have to love kids or have kids of your own, but you do have a responsibility to not treat kids like crap for no reason. Especially not confused, superpowered kids who have been torn away from their families and thrust into a military institution where you're effectively their only family. Jack is a DICKWAD.
Still the best character in this movie, though.
In the very next scene, Cindy is doing some superhero training dressed up in a princess outfit because she's six and let her have some goddamn fun. This exchange occurs.
Cindy: It's my alter ego, I'm a princess!
Jack: You're not a princess.
Cindy: But I look pretty!
Jack: Yeah, but pretty girls don't have real friends and they never get any respect. Take Miss Holloway, for instance.
I mean, what the literal fuck? What kind of adult says this stuff to a kid? Jack is a freak and deserves everything that's coming to him, which, in this case, involves Cindy tossing a 2.5 ton block in his direction. I know I said I didn't like Cindy in my last review, but I'm being proven wrong. I love Cindy. She's just a cute little kid, and Jack says some terrible shit to her for absolutely no reason, and he 100% deserves any abuse she can toss at him. GET HIM, CINDY.
I support you AND your princess outfit.
Now we get a training montage. It's pretty boring and, as is the norm, is soundtracked by yet another awful Smash Mouth song.
If you can somehow get any enjoyment out of this,
well, more power to you.
Tucker ends up having some kind of anxiety attack. How does Jack respond, you might ask? Given your knowledge of Jack so far, why don't you take a guess?
- A) "What's wrong, Tucker? How can I help?"
B) "I know this is scary, but you're going to be okay."
C) "You're a lazy little chubba-bubba."
D) "Just take some time to yourself and try again when you feel better."
Fuck you, dickwheel.
Later, Jack and Holloway have a tense conversation during which we learn that Jack doesn't even know what he's training the kids for. Holloway tries to escape the discussion, only to... trip over a desk. A whole-ass desk.
This is the worst slapstick character I have ever
witnessed in any movie, ever, of all time.
Holloway is pissed when Jack tries to convince her that the comic books were just government propaganda, and truthfully, I don't blame her. Who doesn't want to believe in the legend of a man who can vibrate his whole body and/or any part individually? Damn, I want to believe in that.
Rip Torn informs Jack that this meeting is "for people who matter, and Miss Holloway." Damn! He roasted her and her great-grandchildren down to the tenth generation. There was no need for that savagery. Then Rip Torn says about Jack: "Guards, take him to where the losers are plotting another failure. He knows the way." GOD DAMN, RIP!!! Rip Torn is living up to his name and ripping EVERYBODY to shreds in this movie, holy shit!!!!! It helps that Jack responds, "Going to see your family, huh?" Everyone in this movie is a savage who hates everyone else. I am living for it.
Look, Ima keep it real with u, chief! I'm actually starting to enjoy this movie. Sure, it's objectively abysmal. There is no getting around that. Everything about it is bad. But that's not to say it isn't entertaining. It is massively entertaining. I'm having a good time recapping this pile of smoking hot garbage. If only they'd made an even more awful direct-to-DVD sequel that I could review too. Sigh... such is life. And, I mean, it's not like the reason why they never made a sequel is any kind of huge mystery or anything.
OUCH.
But nope. She doesn't. Instead, she randomly goes off on a tangent about how great superheroes are and how she had a lonely childhood, whereupon Jack rightfully tells her she's out of her damn mind. (Literally, he says this. Well, without the "damn." There's no cursing in Zoom, this isn't Incredibles 2 we're talking about here.) At this point, Courteney Cox gets her "I'm fucking done with you" face on.
This is the face, if you were wondering.
She calls Jack "a bitter man happily getting paid to take your resentments out on these children." God DAMN, it's about time somebody said it! By the way, the first 45 minutes of this movie are just the various characters hating, roasting, and being horrible to each other. Not a single one is likable, you don't root for any of them, and they're all just miserable human beings. This is NOT how you write your protagonists, screenwriters. Take note. Holloway is the most redeemable character and, as mentioned, she's out of her mind. Not in the likable way, in the "doesn't make any damn sense and trips over desks" way. I hate all of you.
Who wrote this dismal movie, you ask? It had two screenwriters, one of whom is most well-known for Underdog, that one 2007 movie about a superhero dog that was panned by critics, and the other of whom is most well-known for Strange Magic, that one 2015 movie about magical elves that was panned by critics. Oh, and... the latter also wrote Elf???? Jesus! Even a stopped clock is right twice a day!
The next day, the kids are shuffled into combat training. Whilst walking down the hallway, Cindy tries to hold Jack's hand. Jack is not receptive to this. For real? Suck it up, you dumb bastard. This poor six-year-old has been ripped from her parents and placed into a cold, uncomfortable military setting where you're basically her new dad. You've gotta throw her a bone, Jack!
Anyway, when Jack refuses said hand-holding, Cindy grabs his hand and nearly squeezes it into oblivion. Because Cindy responds to everything with violence. Don't worry, though, Jack deserves it.
This is the face of a potential supervillain.
So, Jack allows Cindy to hold his hand because the threat of further agony looms heavy over his head, and asks her why she's wearing the ballerina outfit she has donned today. Her response: "Who wants to hurt a ballerina?" Okay, fair point. Jack goes, "Other ballerinas. Baryshnikov." A line which is very weird for several reasons.
1) This is not a clever movie. Every single attempt to be clever is completely off-brand. Who the hell is this joke aimed toward, the five-year-old audience or their snoring baby boomer parents? Stick to the fart and snot routines.
2) Baryshnikov is a ballerina. This joke isn't even clever. It's redundant.
3) Stop it, Zoom. Just stop it.
In the following scene, we're introduced to the single most likable character the movie has to offer: Mr. Pibb, a robot. God bless him.
A beam of light in the darkness.
A theme this movie barely skirts, but which is definitely there in the background, is the loneliness that comes from being part of this program. Jack mentions that Mr. Pibb was built to be a friend to the Zenith team because, well, they didn't have any other ones. This is just a throwaway line, but yet another example of how this movie could have been better: if it had actually explored the topic of how these kids being pulled from their homes, plunked into a military base, isolated from everyone, and trained to become weapons for the government could wear on their psyches. But of course, the movie doesn't explore these topics. It just lightly introduces them and then moves the fuck on.
Remember the UFO I mentioned earlier? Well. Here it comes.
Another topic this movie should have maybe explored
a tad more: ALIENS ARE REAL IN THIS UNIVERSE.
Jack mentions how they rebuilt the UFO after it crashed in the 40s, and I know Roswell is a pretty well-known story, but still, why does it feel like Zoom is blatantly ripping off Independence Day?
Dylan asks if the UFO is going to be what ferries the team around to "all of our superhero gigs" (because he's a 17-year-old stoner, of course he uses the word "gigs"). And guess what? He's right. Jack doesn't even say no. This superhero team, sanctioned by the government, LITERALLY flies around in a fucking UFO. I feel like there would be better uses for said UFO... like, perhaps, fucking studying that alien shit... but nope, apparently not.
By the way, the inside of the UFO is certainly the coolest set featured in the movie. Which is not saying much.
This doesn't look half-bad.
Jack says that the UFO only goes 20 miles an hour because the government never really figured out how to work it. To fix this, Summer... reads the UFO's mind... seriously... and learns how to make it speed up...
Okay. Whatever. Not even going to try to pretend that I know how Summer's powers work. The movie doesn't try to explain it and I won't, either. Let us just move on.
In yet another example of funny juvenile antics that actually make no damn sense, Tucker is hungry, so he abducts a WHOLE-ASS COW from the ground. What the fuck were you going to do with this cow, Tucker? Slaughter it, butcher it, and fry up some steaks? On WHAT barbecue, Tucker?
This movie will not pass up the opportunity to
tell another fat joke.
In a scene that's totally not blatant product placement whatsoever and how dare you assume that, the gang visits a Wendy's in their UFO. I repeat. They take the UFO through a Wendy's drive-thru. Not only is this egregiously bad advertising, it shows just how incompetent both Jack and the military are. If Jack was competent, he'd never have let this happen, and if the military was competent, they would have shot the UFO out of the sky long before it had the chance to out itself at Wendy's. But I guess national security means nothing.
Ah, 2006, when Wendy's still had its old logo and
branding. Those were the days.
Because the movie really won't pass up any chance to make those sweet fat jokes, Tucker orders six Frosties and then asks what everyone else is having. Har de har, he's fat, it's hilarious, WE GET IT. (For real, though, there are only five people on the UFO: Jack and the four kids. Who was the sixth Frosty meant for? Mr. Pibb???)
Shockingly enough, there are actually consequences for the gang's actions. Holloway hears about the whole Wendy's incident on the news - yes, that's right, this covert government organization had to learn their prized UFO had been stolen from the fucking news - and when Jack and the kids return from their little excursion, she and a bunch of guys in hazmat suits are waiting for them.
This is her "I'm REALLY fucking done with you" face.
The roasting continues, with Holloway accusing Jack of "gallivanting," Jack telling her she's stuck in the 50s for using that word, and Holloway firing back with "You're probably 50!" Though of course, whether it be because this movie is sexist or stupid or both, Holloway's rage comes off as impotent/unjustified and nothing is actually done to punish Jack. For... y'know... EXPOSING GOVERNMENT SECRETS. This is a way more serious offense than the movie treats it, and Jack should probably be in a cold-ass jail cell awaiting trial for treason.
That night, having had a bad dream, Cindy visits Jack's room and asks to sleep there for the night. Shockingly enough, instead of telling her to fuck off, Jack allows her to sleep on the couch. Cindy asks if she's different, but instead of the harsh doses of reality he's now infamous for, Jack tells her that she's special and can use her gift to help people. In response, Cindy rips her couch off the wall and drags it over to the bed and sleeps next to Jack. For... what reason exactly? I don't know. Jack has been nothing but a dick this whole time, and this one instance of non-dickishness doesn't make up for the other 10 days he's spent being awful to these kids. Cindy must be really desperate for parental love, poor thing.
The next day, the kids get trained to avoid enemy fire via this room where the walls shoot paintballs. Dylan peaces the fuck out, and the other kids are left to tackle the simulation alone, because Dylan sucks and constantly refuses to participate, making me wonder why they haven't just kicked him out already. I mean, surely the kid who blows huge snot bubbles would be of more military use than a kid who can just barely kind of turn invisible.
By the way, this next training montage - because this movie has heaps of training montages - is soundtracked by Smash Mouth's atrocious cover of "Under Pressure."
Yes, Smash Mouth covered "Under Pressure."
I'm sorry.
I have to include this video because I know that
otherwise, you wouldn't believe me.
This scene is pretty generic, lots of shoving and throwing things around and paintballs. Except for the part where Tucker enlarges his eyes, which, as with everything involving Tucker, is horrifying.
The... p-power of Ch-Christ.... compels y-you...
After the training montage, the kids are pretty pissed that the adults have forced them to, y'know, work hard for once in their lives. They suddenly hate Jack again despite the whole UFO bonding scene, for reasons I honestly cannot fathom. Summer says, "You were supposed to teach us!" despite the fact that we just watched, like, a two-minute montage of Jack teaching them. This script makes NO sense and I am all but done trying to understand it.
Meanwhile, Dylan is locked away in an isolation room because he just keeps peacing out, in a scene of little consequence. We learn that there's a mere two days before Concussion shows up, which is definitely not a lot of time for all the required bonding and training to take place. So the kids should be going through intensive training to fight him, correct? Nope, incorrect. They're just fucking around looking for ice cream unsupervised. And here, we get the most awful scene in the movie.
Dr. Grant has barely been a character in Zoom so far, but from what we've seen, he's been nothing but nice to the kids, with little recompense. During a blood test, he accidentally pricked Tucker, so Cindy shoved him across the room. Later, Cindy and Tucker were running down the hall and violently knocked him down without even apologizing. Poor Chevy Chase is this movie's punching bag. And now, this scene will bring that all to a head.
Our sadistic young heroes catch Dr. Grant doing some gardening in an outdoor survival simulator and randomly decide to torture him for no reason. First, they lock him in the simulator. Next, they cause rain to fall on him. Then they strike him with lightning, which for some unknown reason causes Dr. Grant to speak in a racist Japanese accent, and good god do I wish this scene was available on YouTube because I would like nothing more than to prove that I am not kidding. Then, the kids make snow fall on him and a tornado whip around him.
And... for the grand finale... they spray Dr. Grant with simulated skunk juice. During this portion, the The Good, The Bad and the Ugly theme song plays for absolutely no reason while the camera focuses on Cindy's and Dr. Grant's eyes, and I am personally offended on Clint Eastwood's behalf.
There was no need to besmirch a classic like this.
All of this happens while the kids joyously laugh and giggle, by the way. Because these children are EVIL. There is no getting around it.
In another scene, Jack is explaining to Dylan how the Zenith team was given thirteen times the legal dose of gamma radiation (hence, gamma-13). But Jack promises that Dylan won't end up getting the same treatment because Jack's gonna train the shit out of these kids naturally, don't you know. Randomly in this scene, Jack learns that Dylan has the power to astral project, because god knows Dylan needs another, better superpower for his useless ass to not be totally redundant in this movie. That was not sarcasm. That was a serious statement.
In one of the very few and far-between moments of intelligence that Zoom has going for it, when Dylan creeps on Summer in her room as an example of his astral projection, we briefly see a flash of Summer looking shocked/pissed. Because Summer is psychic, of course she'd know he was there. You wouldn't think this shitty, shitty, awful movie would think of a little detail like that, but it did. Thanks, Zoom. You're not redeemed whatsoever, but thanks.
It took me like 20 tries to get this screenshot because
it goes by so damn quick. Anyway. Behold this movie's
only moment of mild cleverness.
Jack calls the ability "mind sight," but fuck you, Jack, because it's astral projection and we all know it. Then, Dylan asks what happened to the rest of the team... and then reveals that he knows what happened; Concussion killed them. And then Dylan acts shocked that Concussion was part of the team... and then he says, "He was your brother." Okay, this movie REALLY needs to figure the fuck out exactly what the comics show and don't show, because this is confusing as all hell.
By the way, Holloway is observing this whole conversation take place via security camera, because she's not a creeper at all, no sir.
And now we get yet another montage, but surprisingly, this one isn't a training montage. It's just a montage of Jack emotionally staring at pictures of his old teammates and the new kids he's training while "Superman (It's Not Easy)" by Five for Fighting plays, because this was a goddamn terrible superhero movie in 2006 and if it didn't play "Superman (It's Not Easy)," it would immediately have had its terrible superhero movie card revoked. For the record, the movie will later play Enrique Iglesias's "Hero," showing that when it comes to obnoxiously on-the-nose song choices, Zoom will not be outdone.
This is the most emotion Tim Allen EVER shows
in this movie.
Zoom has not earned this emo montage, by the way. Not by a long shot. Sure, it's shown that Jack is bitter and miserable as hell, and if you try really hard, you can connect that to the loss of his teammates, but... not really. And the movie never attempts to make that connection. Why should we, the audience, care that these people are dead? We know nothing about them at this point, quite literally, except that they were killed by Concussion and that Marksman had the power of "mind sight" like Dylan did. Other than that, nada. Movie, you need to work WAY harder than that to earn your "montage of sadness."
In our next scene - which I have no idea if it takes place the next day, or what, but whatever - the kids are in class and Dylan asks Summer about her necklace, whereupon she reveals that her parents gave her the necklace just before they abandoned her because her powers were too damn scary. Wow. That is dark. This movie actually has a metric shit-ton of potentially dark subplots that it just never adequately mines. It's frustrating as FUCK. By the way, this is never mentioned again.
But anyway, the whole romance subplot really gets kickstarted at this point when Dylan starts fingering (hehehe) the necklace, and I hope that's all the backstory you need to appreciate a movie romance, because we're not getting anything else. These characters barely interact. They have absolutely no chemistry to speak of. But if you love romances with no chemistry, hold onto your asses, because Jack and Holloway are going to have an even more chemistry-less romance subplot.
Yup. You heard me.
At this point, Jack marches into the classroom and informs the children that they're now going to be trained in a way that complements their strengths, and... there's like TWO days left to whip these kids into shape, so maybe you should have thought this grand idea up a teensy tad sooner, mayhaps???
But anyway, this new physical regimen includes... everyone doing the same training they were doing before. Cindy is throwing weights around, Dylan is trying to make apples turn invisible, and they're all back training in the paintball machine again (only now for some reason they don't hate it?). This is QUITE LITERALLY the exact same thing they were doing before. What's different about this? Well, the one difference is... now the kids are also doing some karate. Good god is this movie frustrating and nonsensical.
By the way, this is our third - count 'em, third - training montage. This thing should've been called Zoom: Academy of Training Montages. Hahaha, I am clever.
Jack and Holloway have a little meet-cute in the cafeteria, and I cannot even tell you how non-invested I am in the concept of these two horrible characters getting together romantically, but here we are, so okay. Jack tells Holloway that if his original team had had somebody like her around, who cares about them and wants them to succeed, things might have been different, especially for Concussion. I have a few points of contention with this.
1) What exactly have we seen Holloway do, in terms of nurturing the team??? Nothing. Zilch. She just kind of enthusiastically stands around.
2) If the gamma radiation was what turned Concussion to "the dark side"... how could somebody like Holloway have possibly helped stop that from happening, simply by being a pal?? Scientifically, I mean???
But anyway, who am I to ask this movie to make sense?
This scene is drastically uncomfortable because it's clear the filmmakers wanted to foster the greatest possible sexual tension between Courteney Cox and Tim Allen, and if sexual tension was rated on a scale of 1-10, theirs would be a... hmm, let me measure... minus 45. It's awkward as fuck. We don't need this. No one wanted this. This subplot does not need to occur. There is still time to stop this train from rolling off the tracks.
Okay. There isn't actually. That was a lie.
In another scene, Dr. Grant and General Rip Torn are standing around discussing Concussion's imminent arrival, because that's pretty much all they contribute to society. Rip Torn puts on some stupid glasses that let him see Concussion, and this is what he sees.
This dumbass red blob.
Now comes what I'm confident to say is the dumbest part of this movie. Dr. Grant says that he plans to have the Zenith team distract Concussion while he throws a "sonic net" at the bad guy that'll stop him from using his powers. Their backup plan: if Jack still had his powers, he could...
...get this...
...run so fast that he created a literal vortex of good and evil that would suck the badness out of Concussion and turn him to the good side again.
Yes.
Yes, I typed that.
And yes, not to spoil you, but this is eventually how our heroes win.
I want to kill myself.
Zoom was a mistake.
Okay, let us move on from that utter travesty. The general now says they've got only 48 hours before Concussion arrives. Cut to a scene where Holloway and Summer are discussing what to wear to the big dance they're about to hold. Because, yes, with a mere 2 days until Concussion starts killing fools, they've decided the best use of their time is to throw a dance party. Okay, maybe the good-and-evil vortex wasn't the dumbest thing after all.
Now we get the whole dance scene where our two romantic subplots (sighhhh...) get kicked off for real. Unfortunately, not many scenes from Zoom are available on YouTube, and if they were, I'd gif the part where Cindy absolutely throws the fuck down. She really does. And, as could probably be expected, she's the only one at this party who's actually moving, dancing, or having a good time. Probably because everyone else is too concerned with the imminent threat of world destruction to party? Just a thought.
Later on, Cindy is now slow-dancing with Mr. Pibb because this is the portion of the movie where "Hero" gets played. And have I already express my hatred for these on-the-nose song titles? Because I do hate them. Summer enters the room in what I personally think is a pretty standard summer dress, and yet it's apparently so scandalous that it causes, like, 5 people to stop what they're doing and stare. Jack even asks her "Where you going dressed like that?" Holy shit, dude. It is not that great a dress.
Couldn't they have picked a dress that looks less like it
came off the bargain rack at Winners?
Slow dancing ensues. Once again, this movie has not earned a romance subplot between Dylan and Summer, who have interacted a grand total of three times and have all the burning chemistry of two soggy rags. However, it has even less earned a romance subplot between Jack and Holloway, the former of whom has spent the entire-ass movie being thoroughly unpleasant to the latter. These two have all the burning chemistry of two rotten potatoes. It just doesn't work.
But, sadly, the movie did not realize this was the case.
I just threw up in my mouth a little.
Because there is a god in heaven watching over us, General Rip Torn bursts into the room at this moment and demands to know what the hell is going on around here. (Actually, he says "what the hey.") The party ends abruptly with a cheesy-ass record-scratch sound effect, and Rip Torn orders the kids to take a ten-mile run. Which might just be a slight bit over the top, but whatever.
Here comes the part where Jack speaks the immortal line, "Boy, for a straight guy you're dramatic!" That's right. That line is in this movie. Someone wrote that line, a bunch of other people read that line and said "Okay," the director of the movie vetted that line, and Tim Allen said that line out loud. All of this happened.
Rip Torn drops a humungous truth bomb on Jack: he's fed up with the kids being useless and Jack doing basically nothing about this, and he's going to go ahead and nuke 'em with gamma-13. Okay, fair. Jack is pissed about this, however, and later wakes the kids up at the ass-crack of midnight to break them out. While he's doing this, he tells Tucker to "roll that big potato out of bed," because even though Jack canonically loves the kids now, he still can't resist making fun of Tucker for being fat. That is still the direction we're going. No such thing as character growth in Zoom.
Jack brings the kids downstairs and removes a secret electrical panel (imagine Tucker screaming those words excitedly, because he does), and brings them to a secret wall where the original Zenith team wrote their names down in invisible ink or something. Jack then bestows some truly awful hero names on his new team. Tucker is dubbed "the Incredible Bulk," Cindy is now "Strong Girl," Summer gets called "Mental Chick," and Dylan is named "Invisi-teen." But since these names are horrible, the kids roundly reject them and give themselves their own names: Mega Boy, Houdini, Princess and Wonder. Guess which is which. It's not hard.
Actually, these names aren't all that bad, except for "Princess," which is just a bad superhero name which Cindy will no doubt be reconsidering as soon as she turns 12.
Jack proclaims "Now we're a family!", yet another emotional moment that the movie has not earned whatsoever. You all hate each other. Why are you a family? Gah, whatever. Out of nowhere, Dylan randomly astral projects to the main mission control room or what-the-hell-ever and discovers the reason they've been training this whole time: to fight Concussion. Jack is PISSED by this, and immediately runs off to... fight Holloway about it??? I mean, personally this would have been my last priority.
Jack then confronts Rip Torn and Chevy Chase. Upon the situation getting uncomfortable, Dr. Grant goes, "Is that a flock of birds or my car alarm?" and gets the fuck out of dodge.
I think Dr. Grant might be my actual favorite
character in this movie.
Rip Torn is having none of Jack's bullshit and orders the guards to take him away. Then, we see this screen that makes no goddamn sense. It seems to imply that Concussion is making his way across California to Nevada towards our heroes, but if that's true... why is there a giant bubbling red rift that's already here, as we've seen earlier??? How does this make any sense???
Whatever you do, don't watch Zoom expecting it to be coherent.
You will be let down. Again and again and again.
The guards lock Jack up in the same naughty room where Dylan was imprisoned earlier. A bunch of scientists prep to give the kids a dose of gamma-13, and Holloway tells the young heroes it's time. The movie hasn't exactly explained the sense of complete dread with which every single character, short of Rip Torn, reacts to the idea of dosing the kids with gamma-13. I mean... the only two stated effects of gamma-13 are that they make you stronger or they turn you evil. None of this is specific enough to explain why the kids are so horrified at the concept. Are they afraid of getting turned to the dark side or what??? Would it have taken up too much runtime for the characters to actually talk about their fear?
Never fear; the kids aren't going to get dosed. What saves them, you ask? Well... the biggest plot twist Zoom has to offer. That's what.
In the movie's biggest WTF moment by a long shot,
Courteney Cox randomly has rainbow breath.
So. Holloway saves the kids with her... super rainbow breath (GOD that's stupid)... and then they just flee. There's no "Wow, you have rainbow breath?!" line, or anything. The kids just accept it and move on. WHY does Holloway have rainbow breath??? We will never know.
In order to break Jack out, Summer levitates the guard outside his room. Dylan stares up at the floating, struggling guard and says enthusiastically, "Man, that is so hot."
Am I weird for not knowing exactly what's supposed
to be hot about this?
Interestingly enough, in a mini-dossier that appears on the screen for a split second, Jack's year of birth is listed as 1947. So, not only is he canonically supposed to be 59 years old in this movie, this character is a full six years older than Tim Allen. Why was this done? I have no clue. Suffice to say - in one of the only positive comments I can make about Tim Allen - he did not look 59 in this. More like a very schlubby 45.
The average weight for a 6'1 man tops out at 189.1 pounds, and Jack
is 0.9lbs out of this range, so maybe he should reconsider all the
times he's called Tucker chubby. The pot and the kettle, man.
To rescue Jack, Cindy punches in the door to his cell without any warning, causing him to get blown backward. Jack says, "Hey, maybe something like, uh, 'Stand back, we're going to break the door down' could have been tossed out." I love Jack. I mean, I hate him with a fiery fury and he's a complete dickwheel, but I can't help but love him.
Trying to tell Jack about Holloway's magic power, Tucker exclaims, "She blows!" And Jack goes...
"Yeah."
There are only so many things this line could mean, but I'm going to interpret it as Zoom, a movie for five-year-olds, explicitly informing us that its female lead gave its male lead a blowjob at some point. And I've got nothing to say about this, except that I would have no negative feelings about this movie if it had gone on to imply that Holloway gave Jack the Lorena Bobbitt treatment.
An alarm starts blaring, because don't you know it, our heroes are going to carjack the UFO once again. Rip Torn demands, "What's happening!", and I think I lose 5 years off my lifespan every time his face comes onscreen. He constantly looks like he's on the verge of a massive stroke. It's so unnerving. I'm so stressed. Please take a bubble bath or eat some fruit or something, Rip.
I'm scared.
Everyone starts commandeering the UFO. Once inside, Summer uses her psychic powers to, and once again I reiterate that I don't fucking understand this, read the UFO's mind and recalibrate it to go faster. Good job, I guess. Rip Torn orders the hanger doors to be shut, and Jack almost gets left behind in a scene that vaguely reminded me of Bruce Willis in Armageddon. Only in this movie, Jack doesn't blow himself up for the sake of the mission. One can only dream.
Once they bring the UFO to the site of Concussion's imminent arrival, Jack decides to go down alone and try to talk some sense into his brother. Oh, poor naive Jack, didn't you see the good/evil vortex?? You've got more hope of convincing a rabbit not to eat carrots.
Back in the UFO, in perhaps the movie's most horrifying scene (which is brushed off as light and funny), Summer asks Mr. Pibb to distract Concussion - a potentially fatal job. Not surprisingly, Mr. Pibb refuses, because Mr. Pibb ain't no fool. Whereupon Summer uses her powers to brainwash him into risking his life. If she'd done that to a person, we would all be aghast, but since Pibb is a robot, it's okay, right? Well, I'm not okay with this. Summer is a supervillain in the making, just like Cindy.
The timer counts down and Concussion (Kevin Zegers) shows up. And because he's evil, he has evil red eyes. Of course he does.
This dumbass movie couldn't resist throwing in
every cheesy villain cliche in the book.
Concussion immediately starts whining about how he was all alone in the other dimension for 30 years or whatever, which would have way more of an emotional punch if he actually seemed scarred from his experience. Which he doesn't. He just seems mildly pissed. Mildly. Anyway, he almost immediately starts kicking Jack's ass to kingdom come, and once he finds out that Jack has no powers anymore, he continues the ass-kicking with a vengance. And I for one am kind of enjoying this. Does anyone else want Concussion to win? Show of hands.
Meanwhile in some military tent setup somewhere, Rip Torn and Dr. Grant are readying the sonic net. Meanwhile meanwhile, Concussion is about to straight up murder Jack, when Mr. Pibb - having been Jedi mind tricked by Summer, I remind you - arrives to distract him. And it works. Concussion actually is probably the most laid-back character in this movie. He's just chill. He's not even all that mad. He's here to kick ass. He's cool as hell. I 100% want Concussion to annihilate Tim Allen and the bitch squad. Anyone with me?
I knew you were.
To Jack's horror, the kids suddenly show up to fight Concussion, having donned some terrible-looking white suits. Two questions. One: where'd they get the suits? Two: who the fuck thought white would be the best color to dress children in? These expensive suits will be spaghetti- and juice-stained to hell and back within 48 hours. So impractical.
Based on Tim Allen's reaction upon seeing them, I'm going to guess he had the same thought as me.
Same, Tim. Same.
Actually, I have a third question: what actual point did Mr. Pibb's distraction pose? No one actually did anything to Concussion while he was distracted. It was pointless as fuck. Summer endangered that poor robot's life for nothing. Heartless witch.
Concussion is disdainful of the kids: "What is this, attack of the preschoolers?" And I am fully rooting for him at this point. Now, Rip Torn orders the sonic net to be fired at Concussion, but he sees it coming from a mile away and easily deflects it. And this is such utter bullshit. Let me count the ways in which this is bullshit. The whole point of the kids was to distract Concussion so he wouldn't see the net coming!!! So why the FUCK did Rip Torn fire whilst Concussion was not distracted whatsoever??? General Rip Torn is a moron! This military is run by jokers!
The net flies toward Cindy, and I guess seeing her in danger was enough for Jack to get his powers back, because he zooms - heh, heh - to her rescue. For some godforsaken reason unbeknownst to me, the whole military group thinks it would be a fantastic idea to leave their safe camp and crowd around waiting for Concussion to do something. Which he does. He attacks them. Obviously. God, is there a single character in Zoom who makes a single choice that makes a single iota of sense??? It's like a fucking M. Night Shyamalan movie!
Jack speeds back to Area 52 to get his costume on, but... of course... he trips and falls along the way, accompanied by some embarrassingly terrible stock "tripping and falling" sound effects. Just imagine the worst fucking Looney Tunes sound effects you can think of, and multiply them by six, and that's what it is. I hate this movie. I hate it.
This whole little fight between the kids and Concussion ensues, with awful pop rock playing in the background, where Dylan punches the bad guy around and Summer kind of throws some medium-sized rocks at him. In the latter case, Concussion just... punches them away individually and looks super stressed about it. It's goddamn hysterical. And thank god this scene was one of the very few available on YouTube so I could gif it for you.
This made me CACKLE.
Tucker blasts Concussion into the sky with a well-aimed stomach bump (that didn't come out well), Cindy knocks him around using a gigantic pole as a baseball bat, Holloway blows him around with her rainbow breath, and he ends up in the midst of the huge vortex of good and evil that Jack's cooking up. I would really like to repeat my spiel about how awful and stupid the whole "vortex of good and evil" idea is, but I won't. You already know. Actually, this whole fucking paragraph is outrageous.
Because they weren't content with just ripping off Sky High and The Incredibles, the film also rips off 2005's Fantastic Four with its climax, which also involved creating a giant vortex of swirling flame-like stuff and trapping the villain within it. This movie has its fingers in SO many pies.
Anyway, some kind of... I don't know, weird power-of-love nonsense or something happens with the vortex, and Concussion is magically turned good once again. As signified by his eyes turning from red to blue, because of COURSE.
What is this, Once Upon a Time???
Concussion apologizes to everyone for being evil, is immediately forgiven, and promptly gets welcomed into the family, a la Sylvester Stallone in Spy Kids 3-D. Everyone's happy and smiles and all is well. I can't help but compare this to Sky High's ending, where the villain - Patrick Warburton's voice coming out of Mary Elizabeth Winstead's body, you can't go wrong - ends up in permanent detention. And frankly I'm shocked Zoom didn't rip that off too. Surely Concussion deserves at least a little punishment after murdering the whole team 30 years ago?? Did we just forget about that??? All Royal Pain did was turn people into babies. Concussion is a literal serial killer.
In the end, the kids are using their powers openly in public all casually, because I guess the government decided this whole thing didn't need to be secret anymore, for whatever goddamn reason. And the ending animation shows the UFO going up into space. Was that going to be the plot for the sequel?? Everyone goes to space?? Damn, do NOT make me sad that we never got a second one.
I would have watched the HELL out of that.
To everyone's eternal gratefulness, Zoom ends here, and presumably everyone goes on to save the world many more times, Jack and Holloway go on to have some very kinky super-speed/rainbow breath sex, and Dylan and Summer go on to have some very kinky invisible/psychic sex. And in 15 years or so, god willing, Tucker and Cindy will go on to have some very kinky inflation/super strength sex. (You're lying if the most fun part about superhero movies for you isn't imagining what everyone's sex life would look like. Hubba hubba.)
The credits have some particularly terrible and unfunny bloopers, including Chevy Chase getting everyone to sing "We like to poo in our pants" for some reason. Tim Allen is like, "That's not in the script." Oh, but it might as well have been, Tim. And you damn well know it.
When it comes to the bad movie review circuit, there are certain films that always make the rounds with every reviewer: Manos, anything by Neil Breen, Emoji Movie, Saving Christmas, Foodfight, Showgirls, Kate Mara's Fant4stic... I could go on. What I'm trying to say here is, I'm shocked Zoom isn't one of them. None of the bad movie lovers whose videos I watch, and/or podcasts I listen to, have tackled the heady topic of Zoom: Academy for Superheroes yet. This movie is all but ignored.
And that's a damn shame. Zoom has so much going for it, and I actually have complex feelings about this movie. First of all, it could have been good. That's the worst part for me, sensing the seeds of potential decency way, way, way deep down in this movie's core. The basic plot - a bitter former hero being forced to train a new generation of superheroes for a dubious cause - is awesome. I now find myself agreeing with the reviewer I quoted earlier, and I feel confident in saying that, in the right director's and writers' hands, this could actually have been the superhero version of Galaxy Quest. But since Peter Hewitt, director of Garfield: The Movie, was behind this, we didn't get the Zoom we deserved.
This movie is a bizarre mix of the following: terrible "kid-friendly" fart, spit, snot and fat jokes; a collection of awful irredeemable characters; a script that flounders between kind of clever and just weird; various levels of acting, spearheaded by Tim Allen, whose hatred for this movie practically oozes out of the screen as you watch; terrible special effects; so-bad-it's-good moments; plot threads getting dropped or not getting the time they deserve; all kinds of shit that makes no sense whatsoever... This is a bad movie reviewer's dream. When is Chris Stuckmann going to get on this? I'm serious. Someone phone him up.
Some parts of Zoom were very frustratingly bad, and the movie is definitely awful, but I'm not going to lie to you: with this rewatch, I didn't hate it like I used to. In fact, I really enjoyed it, if only in that pulpy terrible-movie kind of way. It's entertaining, it's WTF-worthy, and as I demonstrated in this review, there's a hell of a lot to talk about. If you're a bad movie lover, I advise you to call up your buddies and watch this immediately. You'll have fun. And you'll scream at the screen too.
One last note: the director of this movie, Peter Hewitt, did a movie before this one called Thunderpants, where Ron from Harry Potter plays a kid who befriends another kid whose farts have the explosive ability to knock down people and buildings. And this movie got a whopping SIXTY PERCENT on Rotten Tomatoes. I nearly dropped dead when I saw this. Let me repeat: the guy behind Zoom also directed a kid-centric comedy about farts, and it was actually good. This crazy world we live in, huh?
BONUS:
What did CapAlert think about this movie?
As seen in my review of Spy Kids 3-D, I've decided to add a little feature to my reviews: discussing what the positively puritan Christian website CapAlert thinks of the movie I've just talked about. How much did CapAlert hate Zoom, you ask? Let's find out. (Link to their review.)
Zoom's final CAP score - this incredibly complex scientific mathematical system with which CapAlert rates movies, which is infalliable because it comes from Jesus (seriously) - was 74. Which is not good. Its lowest scores came from the "Sexual Immorality" section... hoo boy.
Apparently, Pastor Carder didn't appreciate all the times we visibly saw Tucker's asscrack, because "brief but intentional view of top portion of adolescent male glutei maximi fissure" is listed in the "Sexual Immorality" section. Carder also lists the fact that Summer was the only one to tie her jumpsuit around her waist... yeah, whatever, dude. If you find something sexual about somebody tying her jumpsuit around her waist, you're just a pervert and there's no getting past it.
Like me, Carder noticed the oral sex innuendo ("She blows"), and he didn't like that much, either. He was additionally scandalized by Dylan touching Summer's necklace (while still around her neck, the licentiousness!) and by all the "excessive cleavage." And in the "Offence to God" section, Carder mentions "Unnatural powers"? Well, we all know that... say it with me... witchcraft is only okay if it's Mary Poppins.
Carder additionally thought Zoom was so alike to Sky High that he actually put their scores side-by-side to compare. And Sky High scored worse. Probably because there are multiple instances of prolonged making out in Sky High. Not going to discuss it here, but you can read that review if you want to.
Final verdict: Carder didn't love Zoom or anything, but he didn't seem to hate it either. He was pretty much indifferent, even saying that it was definitely bad, but if the kids like it, that's good enough for him. Which is personally not a mentality I can appreciate. Deliberately making shitty entertainment for kids because "they're kids, they don't care about quality" is bullshit in my opinion, and I just can't get behind that. Looking at you. Illumination Entertainment.
Maybe the best and funniest movie review I have ever seen. You've absolutely crushed it and the fact that I am the first comment to be able to praise you for this excellence is an honor I probably dont deserve. Keep on shittin (on Tim Allen)
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