CapAlert: The Hilarity (Finally!) Begins

So I hope y’all love this, because it's been marinating for three years.

No, not really. I’ve been very busy not thinking about CapAlert at all for three years. In fact, I only very recently remembered that this hilarious fundamentalist Christian movie review site existed at all, much less that I once wrote a sarcastic “article” about it. That was waaaaay back in 2014, and since then, I haven’t spared CapAlert a second thought.

No doubt I’ve disappointed my legions of adoring fans who've spent these three years clamoring for an update. Sorry, guys! And since I’ve got nothing else to write about at the moment…let the hilarity begin.

Before I begin, let me just say that this site is straight out of the 90s. And if you don’t believe me, just look at this. At the top of the website, I saw an ad for Left Behind 2: Tribulation Force, “on VHS or DVD.” And that was there today. In 2017. Left Behind 2 came out in fucking 2002. That’s how outdated this website is. (The Left Behind 2 website, unsurprisingly, is long defunct. As are VHS tapes.) And yes, I know 2002 was not technically the 90s, but come on, they're basically the same. We didn't fully break free of the 90s until like 2005, when the advent of the Internet, scene girls and furries fully established the 2000s' unique personality. (Unique isn't always a good thing.)

Seriously. Look at this.

In my previous “article” (I sorta hesitate to call it that, but it’s not like I have a better name on hand), I promised a “list of CapAlert terminology.” And since I’m not one to avoid delivering on a promise, here it is, only three goddamn years late. You're extremely welcome.

Ye Olde CapAlert Dictionairie

B

Bookend—A woman’s rear. (The first Pirates of the Caribbean is the only example I can find for this, but it’s still a great enough euphemism that it definitely belongs in this glossary.)

Buggs Bunny—How CapAlert spells "Bugs Bunny" for some reason. And this reoccurs literally dozens of times, so it ain't no simple typo. (They love to reference Looney Tunes for some reason.) Nevertheless, given the utter infallibility of CapAlert's system (which is run by Jesus, after all), this must have been the correct way to spell the famous wabbit’s name all along, and the rest of us who've been spelling it "Bugs" for 70 years are all just schmucks. 

C

CapAlert—The beautiful website itself. Besides the reviews, explanations of the reviews, and numerous articles about why they're right and you're wrong and don't you damn well forget it, there is also a "Cap Kids Page.” The kids’ section contains literally two articles, which are entitled respectively "The Cross of Jesus is a Bridge over the Canyon of Sin" and "DON'T TOUCH ME THERE!!!!" (The latter is a decent, if poorly worded, explanation of what kids should do if they feel uncomfortable around an adult. But it wouldn’t be CapAlert if it wasn’t at least slightly bizarre. It includes a diorama of private parts, which apparently includes...the shoulders. But only for girls. Boys' shoulders are apparently not private.)

Cap Analysis Model—An incredibly complex, labor-intensive and blisteringly accurate Scientific Method for judging the quality of movies. Apparently, the reviewer (Pastor Tom Carder) watches a movie, writes down its violations on a special pre-prepared form based on "80 prescribed
investigation standards based on the word of God," then all that information is entered into a computer and all sorts of scientific shit is done to determine the Cap Score of the film. Apparently the whole process can take twelve hours!!! Also, the reviewer makes a huge deal out of the fact that he doesn't judge the artistic merit of the film whatsoever because he just doesn't give one shit. But seriously, the process involves mathematical mumbo-jumbo that I, poor math student that I was, can't even dream of deciphering. Here's a PDF if anyone wants to read the explanation for some reason.

Cleavage—See Galaxy Quest.

Commode—CapAlert repeatedly references people "sitting on commode" or "on the commode." I googled the word, which I've never heard in my life, only to find that a "commode" is a nice chair that you can get from Ikea. And also apparently an archaic word meaning "toilet." So whenever CapAlert references someone "sitting on a commode," he's talking about the bathroom. Although God only knows why Pastor Carder can't just freakin' say "toilet." Is "toilet" one of the official foulest words? Examples: Hey Arnold: The Movie, Trainspotting, Independence Day, and Eyes Wide Shut (although I'm pretty sure the commode-sitting isn't CapAlert's biggest problem with Eyes Wide Shut.)

Crotch—A word that is used extremely liberally in CapAlert's reviews. Seriously. Searching for the word "crotch" on the site via Google yielded almost 300 results. God, I hate the word crotch. 

D

Demons dancing around a boiling cauldron—This is the CapAlert guy’s favorite catchphrase. I have so far identified 10 different instances where Pastor Carder uses different variations of this phrase to describe how he felt while watching a particularly un-Christian movie. Examples include: "...the image of demons screeching and dancing around a boiling cauldron as Satan gleefully looks on" (South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut review); "demons and evil spirits dancing and slithering around a cauldron of Hell" (The Real Cancun review); "a throng of paganistic women slithering nude about a boiling cauldron" (The Wicker Man review); and "all of the paranormal critters looked as if they should be dancing and shrieking with glee around the boiling cauldron of Hell" (Hellboy II: The Golden Army review). For some reason Pastor Carder loves this phrase. I wonder if he has recurring nightmares about it or something. Anyway, if you see this phrase in a review, be aware that the CapAlert guy probably really hates the movie in question. Also, hell has a cauldron?? Where's that in the Bible???

F

The foulest of the foul—The f-word. Which apparently is the foulest of all foul words. The worst of them all. The big kahuna of cussing. Personally I think CapAlert forgot about the c-word, which is arguably worse than the f-word, but I digress. (Maybe we should all just refer to that SpongeBob episode where Mr. Krabs details the 13 words you're never supposed to say.) 

G

Galaxy Quest—See cleavage.

Gamming—When a lady shows her legs in a sexy manner. Seriously, CapAlert made up their own term for that. And before you ask, yes, I did look up the term gamming and found that, in the real world, it means "when whales gather together into a school." Even Urban Dictionary didn't provide me with anything. CapAlert undoubtedly came up with this word on their own. Examples: Obsessed, Spawn, Drop Dead Gorgeous, and Muppets From Space (!!!!!!!), among many others. (Yes, Miss Piggy apparently "gams" in Muppets From Space. The more you know.) Most bafflingly, apparently there was gamming in motherfucking Spy Kids 3D: Game Over. As a noted fan of the Spy Kids franchise, I can absolutely confirm there is no gamming in Spy Kids 3. Absolutely none. All of the characters are children, for Christ's sake. Not just children, but children who spend the entire movie running around dressed in clunky oversized video game outfits. For crying out loud, even Salma freakin' Hayek is never seen from the knees down!!!!

Ghosting—When you can see side-boob through a woman’s clothes. Seriously, this is yet another term CapAlert made up to describe actions related to a woman's female assets. Examples: Brokedown Palace, Snow Day, Red Planet, 10 Things I Hate About You, Legally Blonde, and White Chicks (seriously!!!), among many others.

H

Hell—Where you’re gonna go if you watch The Fast and the Furious. Also a foul curse word unless used in a very Christian context. Not quite the foulest of the foul, but up there.

Hollywood—A malevolent conglomerate of evil.

His little ones—For some reason CapAlert is extraordinarily adverse to the words "children" or "kids" or even "youths," and thus, the phrase "His little ones" (the operative "He" being Jesus, of course) is used approximately ten billion times throughout the website, to a greatly clunky effect. You think I'm exaggerating? Well, think again. Searching for the exact phrase "His little ones" on CapAlert via Google yields 909 results. That's almost one thousand different times that Pastor Carder forgot the word "children" exists.

hturT—Hollywood's evil version of revised truth. Occurs in their official explanation page, and in their reviews for You Again and Dogma. (Which are basically the same movie.)

I

In Service to His Little Ones through their Parents and Grandparents in His Name by His Word—CapAlert's extremely lengthy motto. They kinda went overboard in specifying that it's both "in His name" and "by His word." Isn't that redundant??

J

Jesus—The guy who runs the whole website. 

L

Lite—They say this instead of "light" for some reason. Example: "Lite PG-13."

N

N/A—A CapAlert rating. Differs from the "zero" or "not computed" ratings in that the N/A rating has only ever been given to one movie, and that movie is Brokeback Mountain. You can just guess. Notably but not surprisingly, despite the N/A and/or unreviewed status of the film, the CapAlert review for Brokeback Mountain is still almost five thousand words long. Granted, 50% of those words are Bible verses, but still. 

O

Open face kissing—This is the CapAlert way of saying “make-out session.” For some reason this description makes me nauseous. I'm forced to picture those zombies from Resident Evil—you know, the ones that can literally open their faces. Blech.

P

Pastor Thomas Carder—The reviewer and creator of the Cap Model thingy. Apparently has over 40 children. (No. I'm serious.) Very fond of archaic words and odd phrasing. Also, he's not even a real freakin' pastor!!!

R

R-PG—See R-13, but more ridiculous. No, R-PG does not mean a roleplaying game in CapAlert terminology. R-PG films are PG-rated movies that Pastor Carder thinks should have been rated R. Examples: Aliens in the Attic, Gulliver’s Travels, Paul Blart: Mall Cop, Puss in Boots, Rango, and also Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (which CapAlert rates “Lite R-PG,” but which I totally would have understood if they’d just gone ahead and rated it a Hard R. That movie fucking traumatized me as a kid!). Yes, that’s right, CapAlert believes Puss in Boots and Aliens in the Attic should have been given an R rating. And yes, they are totally serious. I love this website.

R-13—Movies that are rated PG-13 but who the CapAlert guy thinks should be rated R. Pretty self-explanatory. Also see Hard R-13, movies that are rated PG-13 but are especially evil. Examples: Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle (inexplicably the sequel but not the first one), 2005’s Fantastic Four (????), both Miss Congeniality movies (??????????), and all the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. R-13 is slightly less of a ridiculous qualifier than R-PG. But only slightly.

Rude gaze—See “suggestive eye movements,” it’s basically the same thing as far as I can tell. Examples: Stardust, RV, The Incredibles and Madagascar 3: “Eupore’s” Most Wanted (CapAlert has a ton of blatant spelling mistakes all over the place, by the way).

S

Sexual content—When a man looks at a woman who isn't his wife. Seriously. They are so incredibly loose with their idea of "sexual content" that the Poseidon review even includes, verbatim, "actor's hands on actress' breasts to portray cardiopulmonary resuscitation and without even checking to see if the woman had a pulse" as an example of lewd conduct. Without even checking for her pulse! Oh, my God, the scandal! (But at least he spelled the word cardiopulmonary right. That's surprising to me, considering he can't even manage to spell goddamn Europe correctly.) However, I was reading the Aeon Flux review, and for some reason I found absolutely no mention of the extremely passionate lesbian kiss that occurs like thirty seconds into the movie, if I recall correctly. I guess Pastor Carder fainted during that portion of the film and awoke unable to recall anything. (Which, having seen the movie Aeon Flux, I can undoubtedly say would be a gift from God.)

Suggestive eye movements—God, I don’t know. This is a recurring phrase in CapAlert-dom, and I’m guessing it apparently means when a movie character moves their eyes in a sexy way. Although I’m having a hard time picturing it. Examples: It’s a Wonderful Life (yes, really!), Big Momma’s House, Nutty Professor II: The Klumps, The Princess Diaries, The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas, The Iron Giant (yes, REALLY!), and Chicken Run (YES, REALLY!). As someone who’s seen Chicken Run like 41 times, I can’t think of any part in the movie where one of the chickens gives another a ‘suggestive eye movement,’ but I could be wrong, and CapAlert’s crazily accurate movie rating system could be right.  

T

™—A symbol you have to use literally every time you bring up someone else's copyrighted material. Literally every time. No exceptions. Examples: "Spy Kids™;" "The Joker™" (immediately followed by "Batman®"); "Toy Story™;" "Dukes of Hazard Country™" (which literally ISN'T EVEN A THING); "Star Trek™;" "Superman™;" "John Carter™;" "Fred, Wilma and Bamm-Bamm™;" "Buggs Bunny, Road runner™" (sic); "Pirates™;" "Wendy of Casper™ fame;" "Harry Potter™;" "Ken™;" "The Right Stuff™;" "Green Acres™" (is fucking Green Acres even trademarked after fifty years of being off the air????); and the list goes on. For some reason CapAlert thinks it's necessary to slap a trademark symbol behind every movie and character they mention. Also, what the hell is the "Dukes of Hazard Country"????? Seriously, I looked it up and that's not even a thing! What the hell did Pastor Carder see that made him think The Dukes of Hazzard was called "Dukes of Hazard Country"???

W

W.I.S.D.O.M. —The rules by which CapAlert judges the quality of movies. Stands for "Wanton violence/crime, Impudence/hate, Sexual immorality, Drugs/alcohol, Offense to God, and Murder/suicide." Which is a surprisingly decent acronym and shockingly un-shoehorned. Way to go! Pastor Carder should be an acronym writer for a living! 

Z

Zero—A remarkable CapAlert score received by only four movies: American Psycho, Freddy vs. Jason, Scary Movie (the first one but not the next five hundred of them, for some reason), and Sin City. It's also worth noting that several other movies have an even lower score than zero, because the reviewer hated them so much that he didn't even bother putting them through the highly scientific Cap computer thingy. These include Jackass (which he calls Jacka, for obvious reasons), 8mm, and Matilda, of all things. (He seriously hates Matilda. Just read the review.) For further reading, see N/A. 

So, that's the dictionary. I hope you found it incredibly informative. More (hopefully) coming soon!