Upon entering their site, one shall see the best graphics the early-to-middle 1990s had to offer. Navigation of the site is beset with small, inset advertisements for other Christian websites - one assumes these are placed there for the small revenue that comes with it - that seem like they were transported straight from the 90s, too. Dig those fist-sized pixels! Also beset upon every page in the site is a small section where they beg for donations via PayPal or Visa.
At the top of nearly all the reviews is a small spinning cross and a blinking stop-light. However, also according to the site, "Red does not mean stop. Green does not mean go." This is either a very New Age concept of the very nature of reality, or the abstract idea that even if a movie achieves a 'Green' score (between 100 and 87), it still may not be appropriate for the eyes and ears of your young ones.
On one certain page, the writers talk about the types of emails they get in response to their reviews. They list three basic types. On one hand, there's the typical positive: "I have 800 five-year-old kids so this website is a godsend, thank you, you're great, I'll send you my debit card right away" type. On the other hand, there's the "You people are ---s" type. (I'm not sure exactly which bad word "---s" is meant to portray.) And the third type of email they get is, well... I'll have to post a screenshot of the example they posted, because I have only a basic idea what they're trying to say here.
Let's try to dissect this example letter. "I'm in a band called ----" seems to suggest all evil movie-watching Satan-influenced teens are in bands. "BIBLE--- --- IMPLANTS --- --- -- ME WITH A --- --- --- --- SEDUCTION GORE VIOLENCE" could possibly be the name of the band, in which case I think I'm going to be avoiding that certain band. "BURN SATAN" suggests the teen who sent the email could possibly be a Satan-hating, demon-hunting exorcist in which case I'm not sure exactly what CapAlert's issue with him is. "-- REACH AROUND --- --- --- --- -- --- --- --- --- GUZZLER" is a confusing statement, but perhaps it's meant to convey that the teen who sent the email was working on car parts or performing complex throat surgery when he or she sent the letter. "OH YEAH.. AND THE FOULEST OF THE FOUL..." means that every subsequent "---" that follows is meant to portray the F-word, which, as stated later on, "goes on 7392 times". And, finally, "s-o" is obviously a native greeting straight from the tribes of Nepal.
Who am I kidding. That example letter makes absolutely no sense and I'm at a loss of words to describe it any way but sarcastically. These people are batshit insane!
Let's go on to another monochromatic, 90s-pixels-decorated page: the "Why we do what we do" page. This page consists entirely of a letter from a New Zealander who apparently realized "Satan bad, God good" from watching South Park, finding CapAlert, and subsequently watching some film called "The Passion". (Whether or not the letter-writer means "The Passion of the Christ" is debatable.) It is also debatable whether or not the letter is real or a fake concocted by CapAlert (exactly why the letter-writer mentioned he was from New Zealand is dubious.) Anyway, through this letter, it's conveyed that CapAlert operates their website to help poor lost people like this New Zealander who have not yet realized that entertainment equals evil. That's a noble enough cause, to be sure. It's the silly packaging the cause is wrapped in that I take issue with.
On the "About the pastor" page, the paster pretty much tells his life story in obnoxiously large print set against a bright white background, making it a huge strain on the eyes to read, if for some reason one wanted to read it. He talks about being born, his schooling, getting a job, getting married and having 42 children. That was not a typo. He takes in foster children with his wife, Barb. The whole page seems to sum up to one main point: Pastor Carder cares about children, which is why he writes the reviews. Noble enough, noble enough. Once again, it's the silly packaging I take issue with.
The rest of the pages are fairly standard Scaring-The-Pants-Out-Of-Easily-Suckered-Parents fare. Basically, each one can either be summed up as "Movies are evil and kids will copy them because kids don't know fiction from reality", or "This is how we do our fancy mumbo-jumbo movie scoring calculations". There's not much substance here. Let's go on to the reviews.
Dubiously, the reviews are categorized as "Entertainment Media Analysis Reports: Christian movie "reviews"". "Entertainment Media Analysis Reports" sounds far too professional for what the reviewers do here. Likewise, calling their reviews "reviews" (in quotes) is not quite sketchy enough for what the reviewers do here.
Clicking upon the links will lead you to a list of old movie reviews. There's another link that leads you to 30 or so reviews of "New Releases". However, ostensibly due to funding issues, the "newest release" CapAlert has thus far reviewed is The Three Stooges (2012).
There are thousands of reviews to pick through, alphabetized so you can easily find your favorite movie and see exactly why CapAlert hates it. Just for fun, let's go look at their review of The Incredibles, a typical review for them.
You probably know The Incredibles. I was pretty young when it came out, and yet my parents (Christians) took me to this movie twice and it's still one of our collective favorite films. It's very well-made and, dare I say, child-appropriate. CapAlert does not agree. They rated it a 68, or, as you should know, literally the lowest mark a movie can get if it wants to stay in CapAlert's "PG" range.
But wait! What's this? Actually, they dropped the film down a point, placing it in the "Hard-PG13" range, because of Jack-Jack's shapeshifting: "...portrayal of a baby physically as a devil is hardly something at which to poke fun, especially since youth appear to be the prime target of Satan's works." Ouch.
According to the movie reviewer, "Parr started countering the deceit of the company by telling policy holders of neat loopholes available in company procedures that will enable them to get their claims. Bob was then fired for being honest." Uh... He wasn't being honest. Even if his intentions were good, he was exploiting hidden loopholes for customers' monetary benefit. That's not honest.
Now, let's take a look at their listings of all the movie's "sins". I'm not talking CinemaSins here, either. I'm talking "What evil things happened in this movie that we think offend God?" kind of sins. I'm only going to look at the sins I think are mistaken, not the ones that I will admit are valid (such as, "encouraging lying" and gunfire to kill children". Though I don't think those are as severely detrimental for kids to view as the reviewer does, I do agree it's good for parents to gauge exactly what their child should see.)
Under "Wanton violence / crime" the reviewer lists "Many unseen combat deaths". I'm sure he's referring to the deaths of the superheroes who are listed as being "Terminated", in which case... What?? How can you list this under violence???
Under "Impudence / Hate" the reviewer lists "Marital discord". Right. No marriage has ever had discord, ever. And if they did, it certainly wouldn't be appropriate for kids. We need lovey-dovey relationships that are always perfect sunshine and rainbows. Those are far more interesting, anyway! (Can you detect the sarcasm?)
Under "Sexual immorality" the reviewer lists "dressing to maximize the [cartoon] female form and/or skin exposure". Well. I'm sure everyone would have preferred Elastigirl to wear a large plastic bag throughout the film, but those are harder to animate, don't you know.
Under "Drugs / alcohol" the reviewer lists one thing only: "champagne to celebrate evil deeds". I only remember two instances of alcohol in the film: when Bob drinks on the plane and when he and Mirage are having dinner, neither of which are really celebrating evil deeds. Unless the reviewer thinks that Bob flirting with Mirage was an evil deed, but if that was the case, then it would be listed under "Sexual immorality", and it isn't.
And finally, under "Offense to God", he lists "four uses of God's name in vain but without the four letter expletive". Excuse me? I have literally every line in The Incredibles memorized and never once did I hear God's name taken in vain. What in the gosh dang diddly darn heck is this guy talking about???
Anyway, that's just one out of thousands of reviews. Some are more insane than others. For example, the reviewer absolutely hates the Hellboy movies - but not really for the reason you think. You'd think he'd hate the movies because the main character is, you know, the son of Satan and all that, but that's not why. He gave both of them a lower score than he gave American Pie (I kid you not), and all because the film depicts Hellboy as being able to choose good over evil even though he's the son of the devil. Gosh dang all that free will and moral decency, it's simply terrible!
I hope you've enjoyed this (although I doubt you have). Coming up: a list of CapAlert terminology, and after that, the real dissection begins.
