Well, here we are in the new year. I promised you my surprise review almost a year ago. Dear lord, how time flies. Guys, don't worry - that review is about 50% done, and I'm chipping away at it. You probably won't be cold in your coffin yet before it comes your way. Probably.
With that being said, here is my first article of the new year! In honor of the hell year that was 2017, I'm going to be discussing a few choice movies of twenty-sixteen. Because 2017 was a naughty, naughty year, and has been banished to the bad-boy corner to think about what he did. So we're just not going to talk about him. (Yes, I've decided that 2017 was a him.)
Onward! We'll now look at some of the worst movies of 2016.
Nine Lives
Rundown of the plot: Basically The Shaggy Dog, but with a cat. So, The Shaggy Cat. You get the idea. A workaholic dad (Kevin Spacey) is magically turned into a cat and learns some valuable lessons about fatherhood and shit.
Why was this movie so bad?: Full disclosure: when I first remembered that Nine Lives was a thing, I gleefully added it to this list...having forgotten that Kevin Spacey was in it. I was honestly surprised to see his name in a cast list so recent. Despite the fact that he has been blacklisted from the entire universe for less than two months, it feels like a full eternity that K*vin Sp*cey has pretty much been a Hollywood curse word.
So yeah, because K*vin Sp*cey is an evil rapist, I feel tempted to say "this movie was bad because it was tainted by the presence of He Who Must Not Be Named." But that's not it. Nine Lives is the worst of the worst: a throwaway kids' film that doesn't even try to offer any entertainment value for anyone over the age of, like, three. Critics lambasted this movie for being unfunny and terrible, but not quite unfunny and terrible enough to become ironically good. So basically, this movie has absolutely no value for anyone - not even bad movie lovers like me. What a waste of film. Who the hell greenlighted this thing?
Oh?
How ironically good is it, on a scale of 1-10?: Like, minus twelve.
Norm of the North
Rundown of the plot: A polar bear (Rob Schneider) travels to New York City to save the Arctic from global warming.
Why was this movie so bad?: This is one of those really awful, shitty, terrible-looking animated movies which inexplicably stars a bunch of mid-level celebrities (Heather Graham, Ken Jeong, Bill Nighy). Think Space Chimps, but without any of the ironic enjoyment. (At least, I think I remember Space Chimps being ironically enjoyable. Haven't seen it in like, 10 years. Because I have better things to do than watch Space Chimps. [Okay, I don't really.])
As for why Norm of the North is bad...well, see above: it's awful, shitty, and terrible-looking. I haven't actually seen this movie, but from the clips and trailers I have seen, it just looks bad. Critics thought this thing was lazy, dull, obnoxious, and just flat-out worthless. As for aesthetics, Norm of the North is the pinnacle of ugly and bordering-on-demonic animation. Everything about it just screams "I was pumped out in 30 days by a team of 19-year-old interns in India."
Also, the Rob Schneider bear twerks.
How ironically good is it, on a scale of 1-10?: I'm thinking a straight zero.
Yoga Hosers
Rundown of the plot: Two teenage Canadians (Lily-Rose Depp and Harley Quinn Smith, and god, how it pains me to write that Kevin Smith literally named his daughter Harley Quinn) fight the good fight against Satanists and tiny Nazis made of bratwurst.
Why was this movie so bad?: Look, I'm Canadian, and I don't understand why Kevin Smith has such a fixation on my country. Yes, we have moose. Yes, we have hockey. Yes, we have snow. WHO CARES? Your dumbass country has all three of those things!!!
The reason Yoga Hosers sucks is simple. Kevin Smith tried too damn hard. He tried to stuff in all the random shit he could think of - Nazis made of meat! Satanists! Yoga! Johnny Depp doing yoga! Canada! - and this insane, bloated mess emerged. And it was just not very good at all. (Seriously, read the plot to this thing. Does it make you laugh in surprised delight, or does it make you scrunch up your eyebrows in confusion?)
Oh, and I'd be remiss not to mention how this movie is actually a nepotist vehicle for Kevin Smith's daughter and Johnny Depp's daughter. Lily Rose and Harley Quinn are basically the new Willow and Jaden Smith. (Oh, god, I had to repeat it. Yes, that's right, once again I remind you that Kevin Smith named his daughter Harley Quinn. That is her name. She has to live with that forever. Sometimes, I look at other people, and my problems don't seem so big.)
How ironically good is it, on a scale of 1-10?: I'm gonna be generous and give it an 0.5.
Ice Age: Collision Course
Rundown of the plot: In this fifth(!) film in the unkillable Ice Age franchise, Manny the mammoth (Ray Romano), Sid the sloth (John Leguizamo), Diego the saber-toothed tiger (Denis Leary), and all their assorted girlfriends and children gathered over the course of four(!) previous movies, are forced to flee from impending doom in the form of an asteroid strike.
Why was this movie so bad?: Jeez, I cannot believe there are five Ice Age movies. When are they gonna stop? And that's basically the problem with Collision Course. They just didn't know when to stop.
Ice Age ran out of steam two movies ago, after the shockingly-funny Dawn of the Dinosaurs came out. (Seriously. Dawn of the Dinosaurs is far better than it has any right to be, and it's all thanks to Simon Pegg playing the lunatic weasel.) 2012's Continential Drift was boring, unfunny, and just felt tired. Like I said, the franchise was out of steam. And then came Collision Course, which was two million times tireder and more boring than Continential Drift.
Despite stuffing in as many sitcom stars as the budget would allow (Adam DeVine, Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Nick Offerman, Melissa Rauch), as well as some other random people (Lilly Singh, the YouTube star?? Michael Strahan??? Neil deGrasse Tyson??? Jessie J????), this overstuffed, bloated, unfunny and just plain weird movie did nothing to improve the Ice Age franchise's reputation as noisy, annoying kid fare. Critics thought it was a lazy cash-grab - though it didn't quite succeed at grabbing cash, since it's the second-lowest grossing Ice Age movie after the first one.
About the only good thing I can say for this movie is that it kept Keke Palmer's and Josh Peck's heat and water bills paid long after their contracts with Nickelodeon expired. (Gosh, if Keke Palmer or Josh Peck suddenly become wildly successful and famous a la the Jonas Brothers, this joke will feel awfully dated.)
How ironically good is it, on a scale of 1-10?: Uhhhhh.... one?
Independence Day: Resurgence
Rundown of the plot: 20 years after the events of the first movie, humanity realizes something that they probably should have found out oh, I dunno, about two decades ago: the crashed alien ships have been sending a distress beacon out to their alien friends this whole time. When the reinforcements finally arrive, it's up to Liam Hemsworth, Jeff Goldblum, and the stepson of Will Smith's character from the first movie to stop the alien threat. (Seriously, I guarantee you, you're not gonna remember their movie names.)
Why was this movie so bad?: First of all, let me give this movie kudos for bringing pretty much all the old characters back. Second of all, let me give this movie un-kudos for failing to bring back Jeff Goldblum's awesome ex-girlfriend Constance (who was basically running the country in the first movie), Will Smith's quippy character (who made the first movie), any of the three kids from the first movie (what happened to the asthma kid? I NEED to know!!!), or Marty, Jeff Goldblum's boss who sent his mother to Atlanta. Yes, I know Marty dies and everything, but I don't care. I liked him. He was great. (Also, this sequel didn't bring back Boomer the dog. With all the alien technology that humanity has now, you'd think they would be able to extend dog lifespans. Alas.)
The main important thing is this: Independence Day was fun. It was irreverent, sassy, full of that stupid 90s wit, and contained many instances of Will Smith saying cool things. That's all we really wanted in the 90s, wasn't it?
Independence Day: Resurgence makes one fatal mistake: it is not fun. It does not contain Will Smith saying cool things. It does not contain Will Smith at all, because he refused to come back unless they paid him $50 million, and the budget just wasn't having that.
So Smith's character was retroactively killed off, and they replaced him with his charisma-less son, a charisma-less Liam Hemsworth, and a charisma-less president's daughter as our three main leads. None of them have any charm whatsoever, and so the burden of charm production is laid solely on the aging shoulders of Jeff Goldblum and Judd Hirsch. And both of them try their best, dammit, but it's just not enough.
This movie is visually dull and uninteresting - how is it that the original Independence Day, released 20 years earlier, made the destruction of cities look so much cooler? And the sequel lacks emotional stakes - Jasmine, who was pretty much the heart and soul of the first movie, is quickly killed off with little fanfare and never mentioned again. None of the "new generation" characters are lovable or funny or witty - no offense to the Hemsworth dynasty, but Liam doesn't have the charming chops to lead a franchise. The plot is basically just "the aliens come back and we've gotta stop them" - nothing new, nothing cool. It's just no darn fun.
Side note: here is the only good thing about Resurgence.
How ironically good is it, on a scale of 1-10?: Minus 3.
Mother's Day
Rundown of the plot: It's Mother's Day, and a bunch of mothers (Jennifer Aniston, Julia Roberts, Margo Martindale) do motherly things. Sweet and sappy.
Why was this movie so bad?: Garry Marshall (RIP, he died in 2016) made three chick flicks about holidays: Valentine's Day in 2010, New Year's Eve in 2011, and this one. They all sucked. (18%, 7%, and 6%, respectively.) To describe Mother's Day, critics used words like "manipulative," "predictable," "cloying," "saccharine," "simple-minded," "unfortunate," "mess," and so on and so forth. A common thread among many reviews was "please don't take your mom to this movie, she deserves better."
I think I've painted a clear enough picture of this one. Suffice to say that, despite the fact that he directed three shitty holiday movies, Garry Marshall also gave us The Princess Diaries and its sequel. So he's cool in my books.
"I love your eyebrows. We'll call them Frida and Kahlo."
How ironically good is it, on a scale of 1-10?: Zero.
Boo! A Madea Halloween
Rundown of the plot: Madea (Tyler Perry) does crazy stuff on Halloween. Need I say more? I think not.
Why was this movie so bad?: There are now TEN Madea movies, including a sequel to this one. Can you fucking believe this? Since 2005, they have managed to make TEN Madea movies, but only ONE Incredibles movie. I can smell the devil's influence all over this. (Quality over quantity, I guess.)
The first Madea was supposed to be a "romantic, spiritual comedy-drama." Eight movies later, and this series has become a slapstick, we're-so-cheap-we-can-crank-out-one-movie-a-year franchise that hinges on Tyler Perry in drag as a hilarious, crotchety old lady. Critics thought A Madea Halloween was weird, unfunny, inconsistent and that it "felt like a stage play that was badly adapted for the screen." Ouch. I can't wait for TBS to start airing Tyler Perry's Why Critics are Bastards: The Series.
Movies like this, I only have one word for: pointless. They exist only to make money by cashing in on an existing brand, by delivering more of the cheap crap that people like to see. And people do like to see it.
How ironically good is it, on a scale of 1-10?: Let's say two, being generous.
The Huntsman: Winter's War
Rundown of the plot: In this wildly unwanted prequel/sequel to 2012's Snow White and the Huntsman, the Huntsman (Chris Hemsworth) and his girlfriend (Jessica Chastain) square off against Freya (Emily Blunt), an ice witch or something.
Why was this movie so bad?: Well, as was mentioned above, nobody wanted this. Absolutely no one was clamoring for a sequel to Snow White and the Huntsman... and even if they were somehow clamorning for it, I can guarantee that exactly zero percent of the world's population wanted a spinoff movie that cans Kristen Stewart and focuses entirely on the Huntsman. No. One. Wanted. This. Whatsoever.
On top of that, The Huntsman was dull, overstuffed, poorly-written and acted, and just generally a bad idea from beginning to end. Oh, and also, according to multiple critics, it blatantly rips off Frozen. So it's basically Hollywood's big-budget version of all those cheap, poorly-animated Disney knockoffs that Brazil and China pump out year after year.
Damn, it's been almost two years and I still can't believe they even made this movie.
How ironically good is it, on a scale of 1-10?: Zero.
God's Not Dead 2
Rundown of the plot: A teacher (Melissa Joan Hart) controversially mentions God in the classroom, sparking off a lawsuit. (Yes, this is a legal film.)
Why was this movie so bad?: Full disclosure. I have Christian relatives. I have been in the room while God's Not Dead 2 was playing. I won't go so far as to say I purposefully watched it, but I was definitely there, absorbing it.
This movie was made for the enjoyment of one audience: white evangelicals. Anyone else will feel a strange burning sensation behind their eyes as they behold God's Not Dead 2. That burning sensation can be identified as "tears of misery that want to come out of your eyes, but can't, because they have been paralyzed by fear by the fact that they will be forced to watch God's Not Dead 2 if they emerge from your tear ducts."
Look, there are good Christian movies. The Prince of Egypt was one of the greatest movies ever made. (Though I think that's technically a Jewish movie if you think about it.) I guess Soul Surfer wasn't bad. The Star, this ugly-looking animated Christmas movie that came out last year, was supposedly way better than anyone expected. What I'm saying is that Christian movies can be half-decent. They just choose not to be, in favor of prosletyzing.
God's Not Dead 2, like its predecessor, tells a ludicrous story (woman sued to hell and back for saying the word God in a classroom? Yeah, there's no slapping a "based on a true story" label on that). It's poorly-acted and directed, with no offense to Hayley Orrantia and Ernie Hudson, who are in this movie for some reason. Lots of offense meant to Pat Boone, though, who is a dick. And no, I'm not qualifying that statement, because it would require me to link to WND.com, and I am never going to soil the visage of my beautiful little website by linking to WND.com. No. Never.
Everything I've said so far is about all I can say about this movie. There's no substance to it. It prosletyzes, it has an insanely overblown plot that was written for the purpose of titillating Christians with a persecution complex, and it's just generally badly-made. And yet they are now making a third one. God save us all. (Or, y'know, whoever's up there. Or lack thereof.)
Side note: I'm honestly shocked they hired Melissa Joan Hart for this movie. What is Hart known for? Sabrina the Teenage Witch, that's what. I can't believe she didn't spontaneously combust the very moment she set foot on the set of God's Not Dead 2.
How ironically good is it, on a scale of 1-10?: Oh, man. I'm gonna say +3. This movie is kinda funny.
Alice Through the Looking-Glass
Rundown of the plot: Alice (Mia Wasa.... Waso... Wasi... uh, Mia, the actress who plays Alice) returns to Wonderland and battles against Time (Sacha Baron Cohen). Also, she goes back in time, which is weird, considering that Time is canonically a guy. Anyway, the movie also concerns, for some reason, the relationship between the White Queen (Anne Hathaway, who everyone loves to hate) and the Queen of Hearts (Helena Bonham Carter, as screechy as usual).
Why was this movie so bad?: First of all, like was the case with Snow White and the Huntsman, absolutely nobody wanted a sequel to 2010's Tim Burton-helmed Alice in Wonderland. Sure, it grossed $1 billion, but it's one of those weird movies - like Avatar and Rogue One - that grosses $1 billion, is a big deal for five minutes, and then is immediately forgotten. Alice in Wonderland stuck in nobody's mind, had no fandom whatsoever, and no one wanted a sequel. But the bigwigs saw that it grossed $1 billion, and that was that. No movie that grossed $1 billion can go without a sequel. It's just not the Hollywood way.
And then they found out the hard way that, guess what? No one wanted a sequel to this shit.
That's no bueno.
Without Tim Burton on board to take care of business, Through the Looking Glass had to rely on director James Bobin, the guy behind two Muppet movies and three Ali G movies. And he tries, man. He tries so hard to emulate Tim Burton's wacky goth weirdness. And it doesn't work. Look, even in the first movie, it didn't work. Tim Burton had become a parody of himself by 2010, and so, James Bobin was essentially mimicking a parody. No wonder this movie was a miss.
Critics (and me) thought this unnecessary sequel was lifeless, soulless, boring and ultimately unmemorable. And audiences must have thought the first movie was unmemorable, because they didn't pony up: Alice Through the Looking Glass made less than one-third of what the first one did. There was just absolutely no hype around this thing, and it crashed and burned, ending all potential plans for an Alice franchise. (Though it did give us P!nk's "Just Like Fire." Thanks, Queen of Pop-Rock Bops!)
How ironically good is it, on a scale of 1-10?: Ugggghhhhhhhh zero I guess ugggghhhhh.
The Disappointments Room
Rundown of the plot: Standard horror stuff. A couple (Kate Beckinsale, Mel Raido) move into a new house for a fresh start, but shockingly, it turns out the house is hAuNtEd!!! Who could've seen that twist coming??
Why was this movie so bad?: I'm closing off this list with the absolute worst-received movie that will be included. With 19 reviews and not a single one of them having a good word to say, The Disappointments Room lived up to its name.
Directed by the guy behind I Am Number Four and xXx: The Return of Xander Cage, and adapted from a script written by... uh, the guy who played the lead in Prison Break (yes, you heard that right), The Disappointments Room was pretty much doomed from the start. Critics thought this thing was rehashed and embarrassing and not scary. I mean, seriously. Are we still doing the whole "couple moves into a haunted house" thing??? That was old and boring in fucking 1979 when The Amityville Horror came out.
I mean, just look at this trailer. We're introduced to this family. We're told they're living in a new house. And that's IT. That's all we get before the door-slamming, child's-creepy-laughter, dumb-and-overused-to-death tropes start getting shoved down your throat. This movie was just destined to be a lame and dull parody of all the other five billion clones that came before it.
How ironically good is it, on a scale of 1-10?: Like...minus 15.
And that's the list! If you think I missed something, throw me a comment and I might just write something about the movie you mention. Happy New Year!
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