SHADY MOVIE LISTS: Movies that were nominated for Oscars AND Razzies, Part. 2

Pictured above: Sandra Bullock with her Razzie. She won the Academy Award for Best Actress the very next night. And I am now officially naming Sandra as the Patron Saint of This List. Oh, holy St. Sandra of the Raspberry, please lend your wisdom and guide us through this list, amen hallelujah.

Part one of this list is located right here, if you want to take a look. And now, on to part two! For the first list, I only looked at movies released after 1998. Because I'm lazy.

SHADY MOVIE LISTS: Movies that were nominated for Oscars AND Razzies

Yes. They do exist.

The reason I started writing this list is simple. You know the movie Norbit? One of the 5 billion late 90s-early 2000s movies where Eddie Murphy plays a bunch of different characters? (Thank god that era is over, that's all I have to say.)

In this movie, Eddie Murphy plays 3 roles: the main character Norbit; Norbit's overweight, evil wife; and some orphanage owner. Like all the other terrible comedies of those days, Norbit was really fucking bad, got a 9% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, and was nominated for SEVEN Golden Raspberry awards (if you're not familiar, they're the Oscars for shitty movies). But... and this is gonna blow your mind... it was also nominated for the Academy Award for Best Makeup. And yes, I am 100% serious. (It did not win.)

I was so intrigued to learn that Norbit was nominated for both 9 Razzies and an Oscar. I mean, this isn't a Sandra Bullock situation where she showed up to collect her Razzie a day before she won her Oscar. Sandra Bullock is a great actress who just happened to be in a shitty movie. Actors can be in both shitty movies and good ones, and their performances can vary, but shitty movies are just shitty movies.

It should probably be illegal for a movie to be nominated for both Razzies and Oscars, and I don't CARE how good the makeup was. (By the way, if I ever did a separate list about actors who got both Razzies and Oscars, I promise to start off with Eddie Redmayne, who gave us all an extraordinary gift in 2015, and no, I am NOT talking about The Theory of Everything.)

So anyway, I was so intrigued by Norbit that I decided to find out if there are any other movies that got both Oscar and Razzie nods. And I discovered there are a few. (I also discovered that if a movie was nominated for a Razzie, there's like a 65% chance it was also nominated for a Teen Choice Award. Hmm. Maybe teens have bad taste? Who knew.)

Welcome to Webcomic Hell 5: The end?

So for many months now, I pretty much just haven't thought about Plush and Blood, the terrible webcomic I lambasted four times (1, 2, 3, 4). Frankly I thought the stupid thing was just never going to update again and die a slow but well-deserved death. In my last post on the subject, I opined:

"And, one day, should the arrogant Mr. Messer return to his webcomic, it will be extremely interesting to see whether or not he acknowledges [his lengthy and unexplained absence and lack of updates]. To me, he seems like the kind of guy who would just continue on as if nothing happened."

 Well, it looks like I've finally got some closure, because this is exactly what has happened. On April 2 - exactly one year and a day after his last Facebook post and comic update - Messer finally bothered to say something on Facebook. That's right, folks: after a year of being so all-encompassingly busy that he couldn't even throw a measly "Hey, this is what's happening and I'm sorry for the wait but hang tight" at his PAYING FANS who PAY FOR HIS GODDAMN WORK, Corey "TiredOrangeCat" Messer has finally bothered to emerge from whatever dank hole he was hiding in.

I was sort of right about my prediction that Messer would eventually return after a long while of radio silence and just act like nothing happened. Literally his only acknowledgement of his year-long period of total silence is a short "To everyone that has stuck by, thank you for your patience" at the end of one Facebook post. Literally. That is absolutely his only acknowledgement that he made fans wait a year with no news about the comic's continuation. He just...went away for no reason. He never discussed the reason. He never thought it was necessary, despite having dozens of fans who PAY FOR HIS PRODUCT EVERY MONTH VIA PATREON, to maybe throw them a bone and let them know what was up. 

Oh, and by the way, his updates are still black-and-white for some reason. He can't even be bothered to color his terrible art. And also, if you can figure out what the hell's supposed to be happening in that page, please enlighten me, because I've been staring at it for five minutes with this look on my face.

Yup. This look.

I don't hate many people, and I certainly don't hate Corey Messer, but something makes me feel consistently annoyed whenever I see anything related to him or Plush and Blood. The man is not only arrogant and deluded, he's careless. As in, he couldn't care less. Not about the fans who (inexplicably think his artwork is valuable enough to) pay him a fee every month; not about the fans who can't afford the fee but still love his work (for some reason); not about anyone but himself, I'd wager. 

Literally the only reason I'd think was acceptable for this ridiculous hiatus is if Messer went through a serious personal tragedy like the death of a family member, which I don't think is what happened. And even if that is what happened, there's still no excuse to not respect your fans the tiniest amount by telling them what's going on and when they can expect to see updates return. He's a disrespectful douchenozzle and that's all I'm gonna say.

Seriously. That's all I'm gonna say. I'm done. There will be no Welcome to Webcomic Hell 6. The saga has ended. You can all go home now. 

CapAlert: Miscellaneous Hilarity (Vol. 1)

So, since I've got nothing better to do with my sad, boring life, I'm gonna comb through the CapAlert website and find the weirdest, most bizarre, and most hilarious instances of weirdness and backwardness, and compile them all here, so you don't have to. Your lazy ass is welcome.

Here we go!

"The body twitching with each new thrust..." hubba hubba

When talking about why he doesn’t think reading the Bible’s violence is anywhere near as damaging to kids as watching violence on the big screen, the CapAlert guy gives us this little gem:

“…reading "was killed by" is a l-o-t different than watching and hearing someone thrust a 14" knife into a man's body, repeatedly, slowly at first, seeing the steel of the blade disappear, appearing more stained with each withdrawal as blood spews, splatters and pools, the body twitching with each new thrust until it twitches no more then pumping eight rounds of .45 bullets into the body with steely coldness to make viciously and brutally certain the victim is dead.”

Which is absolutely the most graphic thing I’ve read all day. Holy shit. 

I can’t help but think the guy who wrote it got some enjoyment out of it. I mean, who writes about “the body twitching with each new thrust” unless they have some level of passion for violence??? Seriously, can you read that ridiculous description without thinking the person who wrote it has some kind of interest in violence? 

Also, I love how he specifies the knife is 14 inches long. That just really adds to the experience.

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I mean, have you ever seen Eddie Murphy and Martin Lawrence in the same room? Just saying

This page has a lot of weirdness going for it. It's ostensibly from a parent who went with his children to a kids' acting workshop and asked the kids about their favorite movies. And from there, the article devolves into bullshit.

First of all, the idea that any kid would list The Rundown, End of Days, Collateral Damage or The 6th Day as their favorite movie is entirely unbelievable. Terminator, maybe - MAYBE - but those? Please. I know you're trying to prove a point about how kids like violence and blah blah blah, but blatantly lying isn't the way to go. Has this person even met a kid?? (Another foul-up: The Rundown is listed as an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie, but Arnie only made an uncredited cameo as "Bar Patron." The Rundown was a The Rock movie. Learn the difference, you uncultured swine!)

Secondly, the idea that any 9-to-13-year-old kid, no matter how cultured, would say their favorite movie is Godspell. I mean... are you trying to make me spit out my drink???

And thirdly (and most importantly): one kid apparently named as their favorite movie, and I quote from the parent: "...that new one with good ole' Eddie, Big Momma's House."

I'm assuming this idiot somehow mixed Eddie Murphy up with Martin Lawrence, since there is no one even named Eddie in Big Momma's House, much less "good ole' Eddie" Murphy. Seriously, no one in the production is named Eddie. No one who even passed by the set on their way to get a coffee was named Eddie. Believe me. I checked IMDB.

And, well, I'll say this for the parent: if you're not all that cultured, I guess it would be easy enough to mix Eddie Murphy up with Martin Lawrence - I mean, both of them dress up in ridiculous drag outfits to make rapturously unfunny movies. So it might just be a simple mistake. But it's still pretty funny. 

Lastly: the final line in the "article" is as follows: "One thing I noticed is none of them mentioned Chicken Run [G] ......yet."

This line is kind of confusing, because it doesn't specify whether or not the fact that none of the kids liked Chicken Run was a good or bad thing. The evidence is a little sketchy, too. Let me round it up.

Is it a good thing that kids aren't into Chicken Run?	Is it a bad thing that kids aren't into Chicken Run?
Chicken Run is notoriously inappropriate. I mean, there's even a part where Mrs. Tweedy pinches Mr. Tweedy's ass. Heavens.	It's a fuckin' fantastic movie, everyone knows that!
See above.	It's rated G. Like, even by CapAlert standards!
See above.	It's from the era when Mel Gibson was known as a likable lead actor and not a racist wife-beating prick. Ah, good times.

Sigh. I guess we'll never know.

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I mean, have you ever seen Kate Capshaw and Karen Allen in the same room? Just saying

Branching off from the last piece of miscellaneous hilarity, in CapAlert's Chicken Run review, I came across this gem:

"Some "Indiana Jones" perils add a touch of excitement as the Tweedy's decide to change the farm from an egg farm to a chicken pie factory. A tour through the innards of a crumbling pie-making machine almost puts a fedora on Rocky "Jones" and Ginger almost begins to look like Kate Capshaw and Karen Allen as huge gears chase them through the plenum of gravy."

Now ignore the fact that this is a confusingly-written mess, because everything Pastor Carder writes tends to be nigh-on incomprehensible, and focus on the last few words. "Ginger almost begins to look like Kate Capshaw and Karen Allen"??? Like, both of them at the same time?? Why the hell couldn't you just... pick one? And why does Alison Doody's fabulous Elsa from Last Crusade not deserve a shout-out, but the horrible and shrill Willie does? (No offense.) I dunno, this just bothered me.

Also, I learned a new word: plenum. Thanks, Pastor Carder. Although the word "plenum," which apparently means "an assembly of all the members of a group or committee," is strangely irrelevant when you're talking about gravy.  

ALSO also, listed among the "Wanton violence/crime" section in the Chicken Run review is "Indiana Jones dangers." Which is apparently a very specific subsection of danger.

ALSO ALSO also, the review says that Rocky (voiced by Mel Gibson) has an "Australian accent." And...well...no he doesn't. Seriously, this is one of the only Mel Gibson movies in existence where Mel doesn't speak with a weird pseudo-Australian-but-wintered-in-the-Catskills-every-year-from-ages-5-to-17 type inflection. I don't know how Pastor Carder heard an Australian accent. Maybe it's just because he already knew Mel Gibson was Australian (sort of?), and expected to hear an accent, and therefore heard what he wanted to hear. Like a placebo effect. Or a placebOZ effect?!

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I'm not saying CapAlert is outdated, but...

...but yeah I am.

Example: their "awards page." Which, as far as I can tell, hasn't been updated since nineteen ninety seven. (Although that's dubious, because the copyright thingy at the bottom says 1996.) God, CapAlert is like a time machine. Where's the Relic Hunter when you need her? (Jeez, that was a pretty outdated reference. Maybe I'm the real relic.)

For a more recent example, the website hasn't been updated with new reviews since 2012. And absolutely nothing has been done to revamp the website, or even add anything new whatsoever, since I first happened upon it in 2014, three years ago. Oh, and absolutely everything you click on leads to a new tab. I don't know if that's an indicator of relic status, but it's still pretty annoying.

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Wait, is the McDonalds sign a demonic symbol?

So CapAlert has this section on their website to help parents identify “demonic symbols” in their teens’ possession (pun intended!). Apparently, kids can become so obsessive about these demonic symbols that they’ll hide them anywhere. Including in the light fixtures. For some reason.

“…look everywhere for evidence of these icons. Everywhere. In the child's dresser, closet and backpack; on his/her books, notepads and pencil boxes; under his/her mattress, throw rug and CD player. Look even under previously secure but now loose carpet corners. And if evidence is there, have an electrician check the outlet and switch boxes and lamp fixtures.”

So let me get this straight. Pastor Carder is seriously advocating for parents to call an electrician to come look for demonic symbols in the outlets and switch boxes??? How would THAT phone conversation go?

Anyway, let’s move on. One of Pastor Carder’s arguments about the legitimacy of the “demonic symbols” is that a “deathmetal emailer” (sic) sent him an “unsolicited collage” of many of those symbols. I don’t know exactly what a “deathmetal emailer” is. Was his email address deathmetal@cannibalcorpse.com? Another of the pastor’s arguments is that, while the symbol itself might not have been originally created for evil, it can still be used for evil by, y’know, demons and stuff. Which is why I’m wondering…can anything be a demonic symbol? Could the McDonalds symbol be demonic? Could the YouTube symbol be demonic?! And how does one go about making these symbols demonic? I need answers!

You ever type a word so many times that it loses all meaning in your head? Yeah, well, that’s just 

happened to me with the word “demonic.”          

The list of symbols that are apparently demonic includes the anarchy symbol, the six-pointed star, the ankh, the swastika (no argument there), the number 666… and beyond that, here’s where the symbols start to get weird. There’s the “unicorn horn or leprechaun staff,” which is apparently used to conjure luck… the signs of the zodiac… the head of a goat… the peace symbol… the word abracadabra???… the scarab beetle… and, of course, the “horned hand” that mothers everywhere have been calling demonic since at least 1975.

What I’m stuck on is the idea that the word “abracadabra” is demonic. Pastor Carder himself can’t even justify it. And for god’s sake, the scarab beetle is just a bug. (Although I’ve been pretty damn phobic of them since watching The Mummy. Remember what happened to the guy who hated bugs?)

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Do you ever just…laugh?

So, in 2003 Pastor Carder did a prestigious interview with the Washington Post. The interview was written as a humor column, and as such, it's freakin’ amazing. However, the pastor seemed content to reproduce parts of the interview on his website, so I don't think he really minded that he was essentially being Punk’d - he was just happy to get his name out there. The interview can still be found on the Post’s website here.

(Another, though mostly unrelated, tidbit from this article: Pastor Carder doesn't know if "themed" is a word. Spoiler alert: it is.)

I was going to pull a few select quotes from the fantastic interview and paste them here, but as I continued reading the article, I realized I would have to copy-paste the whole damn thing. So just read it. For god’s sake, just read it.

I’m going to pull one brief selection from the article. Just one. And that’s taking enormous self-control. This is my absolute favourite:

Interviewer: In reviewing more than 700 movies, you found only one that got a hundred percent, green-light score. It was called "Who Gets the House?" You pointed out it had no sex or violence or drugs or tobacco or alcohol, no impudence by children, etc.

Pastor Carder: Yes, it was a good family film.

Interviewer: You also pointed out you were the only person in the theater.

Pastor Carder: Yes.

Interviewer: Did you read any of the reviews of this movie? Here are excerpts from the Deseret News: “Unfunny, forced humor,” “insipid jokes,” “contrived situations that would not work in a 30-minute sitcom . . .” Here's another review: “I can't imagine any adult who has ever seen a movie before even sitting through the whole thing comfortably, let alone liking it.”

Pastor Carder: These people must like the R-rated movies.

Interviewer: That last one was from a Mormon newsletter. 

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Those bads offended me very bigly

On this page, the pastor attempts to explain his method of judging movies. It's... nigh on incomprehensible, to say the very least. Essentially, a movie that has ten very problematic instances of sinful behavior will score the same as a movie that has a hundred small instances of sinful behavior. Only, Pastor Carder doesn't use terms as simple as that. He calls the instances of sinful behavior "bads" for some reason.

Also in this article, Pastor Carder takes aim and fires at those who would say "Gimme a break!" at his insane level of nitpicking. (I.E., me.) Apparently, people who think his amount of extreme nitpicking is a little ridiculous are simply so desensitized by R-rated movies that they can't even see immorality anymore. Which... okay, guilty.

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But, like, Mary Poppins could've been an angel!

Here comes the most nonsensical example of CapAlert bending over backwards to justify their ridiculous nitpicking. Pastor Carder apparently loves Mary Poppins so much that he'll catch a grenade for her, throw his hand on a blade for her, and - wait for it - perhaps even jump in front of a train for her.

You can probably throw out a pretty accurate guess as to what CapAlert thinks of franchises like Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings: they're evil, and sorcery is evil, and magic is evil, and blah blah blah, no exceptions! The no exceptions part is especially important, because, as we'll see, there absolutely are exceptions - they just have to be movies that Pastor Carder personally likes. This is the best example of CapAlert's blatant hypocrisy.

In this article, Pastor Carder says:

"God says sorcery and wizardry are evil. There is no debate. He does not give any conditions or situations in which these evils are not evil." 

Which is a sentiment that is repeated many dozens of times in many CapAlert articles and reviews. You'd think he'd be pretty stringent about witchcraft = bad, right? Well, WRONG, SIR.

Literally two sentences later, in the SAME ARTICLE:

"The "magic" in Mary Poppins presented nothing evil or sinister as did The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring. Indeed, the Mary Poppins character could have been of an angel for what she did. She was not hailed as a witch/sorcerer(ess) nor advertised as such."

OHHHH MY GOD. You fucking MORON.

There is nothing I hate more than outright hypocrisy when combined with pompous self-righteousness and with a little dash of moronic inability to comprehend any-fucking-thing added in for good measure. Did you not just get finished saying that "there is no debate"??? Did you not JUST GET FINISHED saying that there are no situations in which these evils are not evil? You absolute fucking bonehead! Give your head a shake!

God, I need a Tylenol. Further reading: CapAlert's no-good, very bad Mary Poppins review.

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FISTING

Have I got your attention now? Okay, let's get started. Fisting!

I don't really have all that much to say about this article. I agree with most of its sentiments: namely, that pornography is bad for kids. There's just one thing I'd like to point out: this quote.

"Would the presenters of the despicable Massachusetts sex workshop, in which adolescent students were taught about vulgar homosexual sexual acts such as "fisting," have considered putting on such a display only a few years ago? What has changed in our society that they thought they could get away with it today?"

I have a few questions about this little gem.

1. What the hell is this Massachusetts adolescent sex workshop Pastor Carder speaks of??

2. Why is he uncomfortable with even saying the words "hell" or "damn" in a non-Christian context, but he's perfectly fine with openly discussing fisting? Hell, I'M not even okay with openly discussing fisting!

3. Is Pastor Carder seriously under the impression that fisting is entirely a homosexual concept? Because boy, do I have news for you.

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Even now, the evil seed of independence germinates within you

So, this little write-up features a list of the terrible things that bad movies can do to kids. Listed among these horrors are:

-Self-esteem

-Excessive tolerance

-"Suggestion by implication" (????)

-"Situational, emotive, and behavioral ethics" (??????)

-Too much independence

First of all, self-esteem, independence and "excessive tolerance" are not bad things - not in any respect and not by any stretch of the imagination. Second of all, I have no idea what the hell is meant by "suggestion by implication" or "situational, emotive, and behavioral ethics." No further explanation is provided, either. I mean... wouldn't anyone WANT their kids to be in possession of situational, emotive and behavioral ethics?!

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And you wonder why the well ran dry.

So, apparently for a while CapAlert was doing commissions. Specifically, they mention a high volume of requests for movie reviews, but they wouldn't do it for free, since “…due to financial restraints we must ask for support. This free service is not free of expenses.”

Which is all well and good, right? So what were they asking for a single movie review? $10? $20, perhaps? Maybe even as high as $25? That's over-the-top, but I can see CapAlert doing that.

No, they were not asking for as high as $25. They wanted TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS PER MOVIE. To put a SINGLE FUCKING MOVIE through their stupid CAP Analysis system, they were asking for 250 smackaroos. I mean... Christ almighty. That is absolutely bonkers.

I wonder exactly how successful their commissions were? I'm thinking the answer is not whatsoever. Any parent with any amount of brains in their skulls would quickly figure out that for fucking $250, you could rent the movie and watch it yourself a billion times over.

Although, by CapAlert's reasoning, $250 for a movie review is actually a conservative estimate. According to this, the total cost for one movie analysis is $350, which apparently includes "life / health / medical / dental insurance, other living expenses and lesser office supplies but not equipment, vehicle and its insurance, hardware/software, phone, development, etc." Which is just...fucking...ridiculous. For a variety of reasons.

A) Is he implying he doesn't have a job other than CapAlert?? What the hell kind of life plan is that? Especially since he has over 40 children to raise???

B) There is so much unnecessary shit going on here. Frankly, your damn health insurance, office supplies and vehicle insurance should not be listed as part of the expenses at all. The only relevant expenses are the cost of watching the movie, the cost of driving to see the movie, and the cost of time spent "analyzing" the movie. Period. That's ALL that's freaking relevant here, Pastor Carder. That's it.

C) The whole "CAP scoring system" is just beyond ridiculous. Basically, the pastor watches the movie, writes down all its instances of evil, then puts them through this huge "CAP analysis computer model" which takes "0.5 hour" (sic) to sort them out and deliver a score. Before that, Pastor Carder sorts all the movie's evils into "80 prescribed investigation standards built on Jesus's word" and from there, into the W.I.S.D.O.M. acronym thingy. Which is just all bullshit.

First of all, you can pretty much get rid of the "80 prescribed investigation standards," which are irrelevant time-consumers from where I'm sitting, and just use W.I.S.D.O.M, which is basically the exact same thing except not as complex.

Second of all, apparently it takes Pastor Carder half an hour to an hour to create the little thermometer thingy he uses and to look up the movie actors' names on IMDB. Which...holy shit! An hour to do that? Are you stopping for 50 coffee breaks along the way??

Literally the only believable thing he says in the whole "article" is that the HTML coding takes a few hours to do. Which is fair. But altogether, the idea that it takes 7.5 to 12 hours to review a movie is just utterly bonkers.

Here are some suggestions for Pastor Carder. Get rid of the "80 prescribed investigation standards." Get rid of the stupid computer thingy. Simply write down every instance of evil and sort them into W.I.S.D.O.M. Hell, the movie doesn't even need a score! Just write down what's up, and parents can make their own decisions! Basically, and I can't believe I'm saying this, CapAlert should follow PluggedIn's model. They're another Christian review website - not quite as batshit insane as CapAlert, and definitely far more professional - and they don't have computer-calculated scores at all. They simply write down the instances of bad content, give the movie an arbitrary score based on their own logic, and call it a day. And I'll bet it doesn't take them anywhere near twelve hours to complete their reviews. There are so many dozens of ways CapAlert could make their business more sustainable, cheaper, and simpler. And I still don't believe it takes any goddamn $350 to do their stupid analysis thingy.
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The Quest for Fire saga

This whole story is just immeasurably interesting, if you can navigate your way through it chronologically. Here's a quick summary: apparently, some idiot art teacher was showing the movie Quest for Fire to her first-grade art classes so they could learn about cave art or something. If you've ever seen Quest for Fire, you know why this is a bad idea.

Anyway, one of the first-graders' parents heard about this and went apeshit. A long saga of fighting tooth and nail to get the art teacher fired ensued. Now, I'm on the fence about this story - on one hand, I do think it was a monumentally poor decision on the teacher's part to show goddamn Quest for Fire to a classful of six-year-olds. On the other hand, I also think a stern warning would suffice as punishment for her "crime." The parent in this case didn't think so, and fought a very long and very hard battle to have the teacher lose her job. CapAlert got involved at some point down the line, and even did a special analysis of the movie at the parents' request. (I wonder if they paid the $250 fee???)

I do think it was reasonable for the parents to be bothered by this, but I also think they crossed a line by comparing the situation to Columbine (????) and advocating for a woman to lose her job over a bad judgement call. No matter what I think, the story is still pretty interesting. Give it a read if you want.

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Sexual wishes in background song

And finally, I'm going to compile a list of some of the most ridiculous "offenses" I've found in CapAlert reviews. Ready? Here we go. Reminder: everything here has been directly copy-pasted from CapAlert, and therefore might make no sense whatsoever. That's not my fault, it's theirs. I don't know what a "rabblery" is, either.

Wanton violence/crime

Explosive startle

Assault to face

Human frenzy

Running stop sign

Impudence/hate

Massive tattoos, repeatedly

Rabblery

Punk dress

Traffic rudeness, repeatedly

Spying

Theft = fun

Sexual immorality

Sexual wishes in background song

Implied oral sex using a banana

Talk of female private matters

Crude maneuver with posterior

Crotch hit

Gaping face, licking kissing

Teen pair in a crotch straddle

Neon nudity

Adult gluteous fissure exposed

Leg wrapping

Drugs/alcohol

"drunkenness, repeatedly

illegal drug consumption, repeatedly

drinking, repeatedly

booze, repeatedly

drug intoxication, repeatedly"

(Above are four examples which appeared, one after the other, in the same review, and which ALL MEAN THE SAME GODDAMN THING)

Posterior waggle and other posterior action

Offense to God

"Dogs are people, too"

Female pastor

Divorce proceedings

Reference to "booger sugar"

Murder/suicide

none noted (attempts at murder and suicide and deaths due to war or police action are not incorporated into this investigation area but are incorporated into Wanton Violence/Crime)

(Note: I only include the above because, for some bizarre reason, it was only included in the review for Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked. Was there a huge amount of war and police action in Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked???)

...I think you get the picture.

CapAlert: The Hilarity (Finally!) Begins

So I hope y’all love this, because it's been marinating for three years.

No, not really. I’ve been very busy not thinking about CapAlert at all for three years. In fact, I only very recently remembered that this hilarious fundamentalist Christian movie review site existed at all, much less that I once wrote a sarcastic “article” about it. That was waaaaay back in 2014, and since then, I haven’t spared CapAlert a second thought.

No doubt I’ve disappointed my legions of adoring fans who've spent these three years clamoring for an update. Sorry, guys! And since I’ve got nothing else to write about at the moment…let the hilarity begin.

Before I begin, let me just say that this site is straight out of the 90s. And if you don’t believe me, just look at this. At the top of the website, I saw an ad for Left Behind 2: Tribulation Force, “on VHS or DVD.” And that was there today. In 2017. Left Behind 2 came out in fucking 2002. That’s how outdated this website is. (The Left Behind 2 website, unsurprisingly, is long defunct. As are VHS tapes.) And yes, I know 2002 was not technically the 90s, but come on, they're basically the same. We didn't fully break free of the 90s until like 2005, when the advent of the Internet, scene girls and furries fully established the 2000s' unique personality. (Unique isn't always a good thing.)

Seriously. Look at this.

In my previous “article” (I sorta hesitate to call it that, but it’s not like I have a better name on hand), I promised a “list of CapAlert terminology.” And since I’m not one to avoid delivering on a promise, here it is, only three goddamn years late. You're extremely welcome.

Ye Olde CapAlert Dictionairie

B

Bookend—A woman’s rear. (The first Pirates of the Caribbean is the only example I can find for this, but it’s still a great enough euphemism that it definitely belongs in this glossary.)

Buggs Bunny—How CapAlert spells "Bugs Bunny" for some reason. And this reoccurs literally dozens of times, so it ain't no simple typo. (They love to reference Looney Tunes for some reason.) Nevertheless, given the utter infallibility of CapAlert's system (which is run by Jesus, after all), this must have been the correct way to spell the famous wabbit’s name all along, and the rest of us who've been spelling it "Bugs" for 70 years are all just schmucks. 

C

CapAlert—The beautiful website itself. Besides the reviews, explanations of the reviews, and numerous articles about why they're right and you're wrong and don't you damn well forget it, there is also a "Cap Kids Page.” The kids’ section contains literally two articles, which are entitled respectively "The Cross of Jesus is a Bridge over the Canyon of Sin" and "DON'T TOUCH ME THERE!!!!" (The latter is a decent, if poorly worded, explanation of what kids should do if they feel uncomfortable around an adult. But it wouldn’t be CapAlert if it wasn’t at least slightly bizarre. It includes a diorama of private parts, which apparently includes...the shoulders. But only for girls. Boys' shoulders are apparently not private.)

Cap Analysis Model—An incredibly complex, labor-intensive and blisteringly accurate Scientific Method for judging the quality of movies. Apparently, the reviewer (Pastor Tom Carder) watches a movie, writes down its violations on a special pre-prepared form based on "80 prescribed
investigation standards based on the word of God," then all that information is entered into a computer and all sorts of scientific shit is done to determine the Cap Score of the film. Apparently the whole process can take twelve hours!!! Also, the reviewer makes a huge deal out of the fact that he doesn't judge the artistic merit of the film whatsoever because he just doesn't give one shit. But seriously, the process involves mathematical mumbo-jumbo that I, poor math student that I was, can't even dream of deciphering. Here's a PDF if anyone wants to read the explanation for some reason.

Cleavage—See Galaxy Quest.

Commode—CapAlert repeatedly references people "sitting on commode" or "on the commode." I googled the word, which I've never heard in my life, only to find that a "commode" is a nice chair that you can get from Ikea. And also apparently an archaic word meaning "toilet." So whenever CapAlert references someone "sitting on a commode," he's talking about the bathroom. Although God only knows why Pastor Carder can't just freakin' say "toilet." Is "toilet" one of the official foulest words? Examples: Hey Arnold: The Movie, Trainspotting, Independence Day, and Eyes Wide Shut (although I'm pretty sure the commode-sitting isn't CapAlert's biggest problem with Eyes Wide Shut.)

Crotch—A word that is used extremely liberally in CapAlert's reviews. Seriously. Searching for the word "crotch" on the site via Google yielded almost 300 results. God, I hate the word crotch. 

D

Demons dancing around a boiling cauldron—This is the CapAlert guy’s favorite catchphrase. I have so far identified 10 different instances where Pastor Carder uses different variations of this phrase to describe how he felt while watching a particularly un-Christian movie. Examples include: "...the image of demons screeching and dancing around a boiling cauldron as Satan gleefully looks on" (South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut review); "demons and evil spirits dancing and slithering around a cauldron of Hell" (The Real Cancun review); "a throng of paganistic women slithering nude about a boiling cauldron" (The Wicker Man review); and "all of the paranormal critters looked as if they should be dancing and shrieking with glee around the boiling cauldron of Hell" (Hellboy II: The Golden Army review). For some reason Pastor Carder loves this phrase. I wonder if he has recurring nightmares about it or something. Anyway, if you see this phrase in a review, be aware that the CapAlert guy probably really hates the movie in question. Also, hell has a cauldron?? Where's that in the Bible???

F

The foulest of the foul—The f-word. Which apparently is the foulest of all foul words. The worst of them all. The big kahuna of cussing. Personally I think CapAlert forgot about the c-word, which is arguably worse than the f-word, but I digress. (Maybe we should all just refer to that SpongeBob episode where Mr. Krabs details the 13 words you're never supposed to say.) 

G

Galaxy Quest—See cleavage.

Gamming—When a lady shows her legs in a sexy manner. Seriously, CapAlert made up their own term for that. And before you ask, yes, I did look up the term gamming and found that, in the real world, it means "when whales gather together into a school." Even Urban Dictionary didn't provide me with anything. CapAlert undoubtedly came up with this word on their own. Examples: Obsessed, Spawn, Drop Dead Gorgeous, and Muppets From Space (!!!!!!!), among many others. (Yes, Miss Piggy apparently "gams" in Muppets From Space. The more you know.) Most bafflingly, apparently there was gamming in motherfucking Spy Kids 3D: Game Over. As a noted fan of the Spy Kids franchise, I can absolutely confirm there is no gamming in Spy Kids 3. Absolutely none. All of the characters are children, for Christ's sake. Not just children, but children who spend the entire movie running around dressed in clunky oversized video game outfits. For crying out loud, even Salma freakin' Hayek is never seen from the knees down!!!!

Ghosting—When you can see side-boob through a woman’s clothes. Seriously, this is yet another term CapAlert made up to describe actions related to a woman's female assets. Examples: Brokedown Palace, Snow Day, Red Planet, 10 Things I Hate About You, Legally Blonde, and White Chicks (seriously!!!), among many others.

H

Hell—Where you’re gonna go if you watch The Fast and the Furious. Also a foul curse word unless used in a very Christian context. Not quite the foulest of the foul, but up there.

Hollywood—A malevolent conglomerate of evil.

His little ones—For some reason CapAlert is extraordinarily adverse to the words "children" or "kids" or even "youths," and thus, the phrase "His little ones" (the operative "He" being Jesus, of course) is used approximately ten billion times throughout the website, to a greatly clunky effect. You think I'm exaggerating? Well, think again. Searching for the exact phrase "His little ones" on CapAlert via Google yields 909 results. That's almost one thousand different times that Pastor Carder forgot the word "children" exists.

hturT—Hollywood's evil version of revised truth. Occurs in their official explanation page, and in their reviews for You Again and Dogma. (Which are basically the same movie.)

I

In Service to His Little Ones through their Parents and Grandparents in His Name by His Word—CapAlert's extremely lengthy motto. They kinda went overboard in specifying that it's both "in His name" and "by His word." Isn't that redundant??

J

Jesus—The guy who runs the whole website. 

L

Lite—They say this instead of "light" for some reason. Example: "Lite PG-13."

N

N/A—A CapAlert rating. Differs from the "zero" or "not computed" ratings in that the N/A rating has only ever been given to one movie, and that movie is Brokeback Mountain. You can just guess. Notably but not surprisingly, despite the N/A and/or unreviewed status of the film, the CapAlert review for Brokeback Mountain is still almost five thousand words long. Granted, 50% of those words are Bible verses, but still. 

O

Open face kissing—This is the CapAlert way of saying “make-out session.” For some reason this description makes me nauseous. I'm forced to picture those zombies from Resident Evil—you know, the ones that can literally open their faces. Blech.

P

Pastor Thomas Carder—The reviewer and creator of the Cap Model thingy. Apparently has over 40 children. (No. I'm serious.) Very fond of archaic words and odd phrasing. Also, he's not even a real freakin' pastor!!!

R

R-PG—See R-13, but more ridiculous. No, R-PG does not mean a roleplaying game in CapAlert terminology. R-PG films are PG-rated movies that Pastor Carder thinks should have been rated R. Examples: Aliens in the Attic, Gulliver’s Travels, Paul Blart: Mall Cop, Puss in Boots, Rango, and also Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (which CapAlert rates “Lite R-PG,” but which I totally would have understood if they’d just gone ahead and rated it a Hard R. That movie fucking traumatized me as a kid!). Yes, that’s right, CapAlert believes Puss in Boots and Aliens in the Attic should have been given an R rating. And yes, they are totally serious. I love this website.

R-13—Movies that are rated PG-13 but who the CapAlert guy thinks should be rated R. Pretty self-explanatory. Also see Hard R-13, movies that are rated PG-13 but are especially evil. Examples: Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle (inexplicably the sequel but not the first one), 2005’s Fantastic Four (????), both Miss Congeniality movies (??????????), and all the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. R-13 is slightly less of a ridiculous qualifier than R-PG. But only slightly.

Rude gaze—See “suggestive eye movements,” it’s basically the same thing as far as I can tell. Examples: Stardust, RV, The Incredibles and Madagascar 3: “Eupore’s” Most Wanted (CapAlert has a ton of blatant spelling mistakes all over the place, by the way).

S

Sexual content—When a man looks at a woman who isn't his wife. Seriously. They are so incredibly loose with their idea of "sexual content" that the Poseidon review even includes, verbatim, "actor's hands on actress' breasts to portray cardiopulmonary resuscitation and without even checking to see if the woman had a pulse" as an example of lewd conduct. Without even checking for her pulse! Oh, my God, the scandal! (But at least he spelled the word cardiopulmonary right. That's surprising to me, considering he can't even manage to spell goddamn Europe correctly.) However, I was reading the Aeon Flux review, and for some reason I found absolutely no mention of the extremely passionate lesbian kiss that occurs like thirty seconds into the movie, if I recall correctly. I guess Pastor Carder fainted during that portion of the film and awoke unable to recall anything. (Which, having seen the movie Aeon Flux, I can undoubtedly say would be a gift from God.)

Suggestive eye movements—God, I don’t know. This is a recurring phrase in CapAlert-dom, and I’m guessing it apparently means when a movie character moves their eyes in a sexy way. Although I’m having a hard time picturing it. Examples: It’s a Wonderful Life (yes, really!), Big Momma’s House, Nutty Professor II: The Klumps, The Princess Diaries, The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas, The Iron Giant (yes, REALLY!), and Chicken Run (YES, REALLY!). As someone who’s seen Chicken Run like 41 times, I can’t think of any part in the movie where one of the chickens gives another a ‘suggestive eye movement,’ but I could be wrong, and CapAlert’s crazily accurate movie rating system could be right.  

T

™—A symbol you have to use literally every time you bring up someone else's copyrighted material. Literally every time. No exceptions. Examples: "Spy Kids™;" "The Joker™" (immediately followed by "Batman®"); "Toy Story™;" "Dukes of Hazard Country™" (which literally ISN'T EVEN A THING); "Star Trek™;" "Superman™;" "John Carter™;" "Fred, Wilma and Bamm-Bamm™;" "Buggs Bunny, Road runner™" (sic); "Pirates™;" "Wendy of Casper™ fame;" "Harry Potter™;" "Ken™;" "The Right Stuff™;" "Green Acres™" (is fucking Green Acres even trademarked after fifty years of being off the air????); and the list goes on. For some reason CapAlert thinks it's necessary to slap a trademark symbol behind every movie and character they mention. Also, what the hell is the "Dukes of Hazard Country"????? Seriously, I looked it up and that's not even a thing! What the hell did Pastor Carder see that made him think The Dukes of Hazzard was called "Dukes of Hazard Country"???

W

W.I.S.D.O.M. —The rules by which CapAlert judges the quality of movies. Stands for "Wanton violence/crime, Impudence/hate, Sexual immorality, Drugs/alcohol, Offense to God, and Murder/suicide." Which is a surprisingly decent acronym and shockingly un-shoehorned. Way to go! Pastor Carder should be an acronym writer for a living! 

Z

Zero—A remarkable CapAlert score received by only four movies: American Psycho, Freddy vs. Jason, Scary Movie (the first one but not the next five hundred of them, for some reason), and Sin City. It's also worth noting that several other movies have an even lower score than zero, because the reviewer hated them so much that he didn't even bother putting them through the highly scientific Cap computer thingy. These include Jackass (which he calls Jacka, for obvious reasons), 8mm, and Matilda, of all things. (He seriously hates Matilda. Just read the review.) For further reading, see N/A. 

So, that's the dictionary. I hope you found it incredibly informative. More (hopefully) coming soon!