Thursday 24 May 2018

SHADY MOVIE LISTS: Franchises that fizzled


Some movies turn into billion-dollar, multi-decade franchises that release a new blockbuster offering every two or three years, all of which turn an enormous profit the likes of which would make us ordinary working people crap our pants. And some movies... don't.

For this list, I'm going to be looking at some movies where the intention was clearly to start a franchise, but it just didn't work. Some of these would-be franchises only have one film, some have two, while others have more than two, but they all have one thing in common: they won't be making any more of 'em anytime soon.

(By the way, I won't be looking at any whose most recent entries were released before 2013. Why? Because there were just too many.)




Percy Jackson (2010-2013)


Like the chump that I am, I saw both of these crap-fests in theatres. My sense of crushing disappointment was slightly less devastating with the second one. Probably because I'd already seen the first one and knew what I was in for.

For some weird reason, this was the sole attempt to make movies out of the insanely popular Camp Half-Blood book series (and because Rick Riordan just won't leave well enough alone, there's plenty of source material to work with. Like, you could make 5 separate franchises out of this thing). After the first movie kind of did okay, they decided they'd go ahead and make a second one. But instead of Chris Columbus, the guy behind Harry Potter, a different director was at the helm this time: Thor Freudenthal, the guy behind... Diary of a Wimpy Kid. And also Hotel for Dogs.

The second movie drops the extremely long "Percy Jackson & the Olympians" from the name, and just called itself Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters, instead of the potential title Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Sea of Monsters. Honestly, if they'd named it that, I might have thrown myself out a window. But the name change didn't do much to draw in audiences, and the movie made millions less than its predecessor.

After that, talk of a sequel trickled by at a slow rate, until star Logan Lerman was like, "Guys, we're geriatric, you've got to make it now." (Remember that he's supposed to be a teenager in these movies. What is he now, like 40?) And that was in 2015. Since then, there has been no news about this franchise, other than the fact that Rick Riordan keeps coming out with new spinoff series at an increasing rate of one per second.

By the way, Disney owns the rights to Percy Jackson now, and if they make an animated adaptation, I might just crap myself. (I'm a 2000s kid, after all.)


The Divergent Series (2014-2016)


I feel like, movie-wise, the 2010s will be defined by the insane numbers of Twilight and Hunger Games ripoffs that were coming out. Other than being defined by Marvel, of course. The Divergent Series was one of The Hunger Games', shall we say, "admirers." After a three-year span, this franchise has pretty much been lost to history.

Shockingly to everyone, in a battle between Divergent and The Maze Runner (yet another Hunger Games "homage-payer"), the latter emerged as the victor, which is something that no one expected. Divergent, meanwhile, is languishing in development hell. The first two movies in this young adult adaptation franchise did pretty well, but the third one tanked, both financially and with critics. Meanwhile, audiences never felt more than lukewarm about it.

Since they decided to split the last book in half and make two movies out of it (a la Twilight, Hunger Games, Harry Potter, It, The Hobbit, and so forth), the series ended with lots of plot threads unresolved. Fans are probably never going to see a fourth movie - at least, not theatrically-released. Due to the failure of Allegiant, they waffled on the idea of a fourquel for a while, and now they're reportedly making a TV show to resolve everything, which is just shocking to me. I mean, for real, no one's going to watch this, especially given that its star Shailene Woodley has backed the fuck off. (I don't blame her.)

Good luck, godspeed, and may the odds be ever in your favor, Divergent. We're never gonna be seeing you again.


Terminator (1984-present)


After two good movies, three shitty ones, two failed reboots, one failed television series and two failed planned trilogies under its belt, when is Terminator going to give up and die? Sadly and tragically, I suspect the answer is "never."

The failure of this franchise began in 2003, when Rise of the Machines came out, was resoundingly mediocre, and everyone was like, "Okay, that happened, let's move on." But the bigwigs would not allow us to move on. And so, we got TWO reboots. The first was Terminator Salvation in 2009. This terrible reheated flop was disliked by critics and audiences alike, did disappointing numbers at the box office, and failed to ignite the planned trilogy it was meant to start.

So, they tried again. Terminator Genisys came out in 2015. You already know how I feel about that. It didn't work on pretty much every conceivable level, and may well have been the most exhaustingly boring movie I was forced to sit through in 2015. Critics thought the same, and audiences also rejected this turd. After box office returns were below expectations, yet another planned trilogy was canceled.

Oh, and did I mention that between Salvation and Genisys, they made a TV show that also flopped? How come we know Terminator for Arnold Schwarzenegger, and not because it's the floppiest franchise that just won't die? (Side note: who remembers when Summer Glau was the hottest shit this side of Angelina Jolie? Good times.)

Despite all this floppage, there's apparently going to be a new reboot where Linda Hamilton comes back. Color me excited. Color me intrigued. Color me the-fuck-outta-here-with-this-nonsense.


Alice in Wonderland (2010-2016)


This is an interesting case, and I think it's gonna be the same thing that happens to Avatar 2 whenever it finally comes out.

It was a no-brainer that they would make Alice in Wonderland 2 after the first movie became a huge hit and grossed over $1 billion. (It was the fifth highest-grossing movie in history at the time. Today it's #31.) This movie started the trend of live-action Disney adaptations, and is pretty much the reason that we have Beauty and the Beast, Cinderella, Maleficent, The Jungle Book, et al. What I'm trying to say is, Alice in Wonderland is the sole reason there's no originality in Hollywood. Thanks a lot, Tim Burton. (Who is now coincidentally helming the gritty live-action reboot of Dumbo. No, that sentence was not a typo. I hate Tim Burton for forcing me to type out "gritty live-action reboot of Dumbo" unironically.)

For some reason, they decided it would be a good idea to wait six years before cranking out a sequel to Alice in Wonderland. They also decided it would be a good idea to hand the reins over to the guy that made The Muppets. With a severe lack of Burton - and audience interest - on its side, 2016's Alice Through the Looking Glass made a fraction of the first movie's gross and disappointed critics. I guess no amount of Johnny Depp acting like a crazy person was enough to save this sinking ship. (By the way, Pirates of the Caribbean will not be appearing on this list. I thought about it. But no.)

There are currently no plans for a third movie, thank god. We really don't need one. Hear me, Hollywood? YOU HEAR ME??


Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014-2016)


Obviously, this franchise as a whole can never die. But the attempted series of live-action films? It sure can.

In 2014, Michael Bay teamed up with the guy behind Battle: Los Angeles to create Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, a weird-looking, gross, genuinely awful waste of film in which four sentient turtles and Will Arnett take turns ogling Megan Fox for 101 minutes. Surprisingly, critics did not like this movie. It got a 22% score on Rotten Tomatoes and a 0% score from me. (Damn, I hate this movie.) But audiences came in droves, the movie made a ton of bank, and a sequel was produced in short order.

Lacking the camp factor of the insane 90s version and the artistic prettiness of the forgotten 2007 version, this iteration of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles didn't have the spark audiences were looking for, and they didn't return for the sequel. I guess people are getting tired of shitty, frat-boy Michael Bay adaptations of their favorite childhood toys. Who knew. The sequel wasn't financially successful, and there are no plans for a third movie. Damn, there should never have been plans for a second one.


G.I. Joe (2009-2013)


First of all, let it be known that this franchise did something iconic that I can't help but respect. After the first movie functionally made a huge action star out of lead actor Channing Tatum, the second movie... kills him off with little fanfare within like the first 10 minutes and promptly replaces him with the Rock. The BALLS on this franchise.

Anyway. No one ever said these movies weren't mediocre excuses for cinema's coolest actors to jump around fighting on various cool sets for 100 minutes. But if that's what they are, they did a darn good job of it. I thought these movies were pretty good, visually cool and entertaining and weird and cheesy. They're your 80s fantasy brought to life in the 2010s. But sadly, despite the second movie being financially successful and making more than the first, the franchise has floundered since 2013. First they were making a sequel, and then they were gonna do a spinoff/crossover with Transformers, and then it was a sequel again, and then, who knows? I'm not super hopeful that we will ever see a third G.I. Joe movie.

They're apparently trying to make a sequel more seriously than ever before, but I am not fully confident this'll ever make it to the big screen. And anyway, by 2020, won't we all be suffering from Dwayne Johnson oversaturation?


Sin City (2005-2014)


In 2005, Sin City was a novelty. And then 300 came out. And then The Spirit. And Kick-Ass. And 300: Rise of an Empire. And a glut of other movies that showed us that, yes, slow-mo and hyper-violence are cool, but we can all get over it now.

Get over it we did. Maybe if they'd started cranking out direct-to-video sequels right after the first one came out, this franchise could have been a success on the level of, I don't know, Wrong Turn or Hostel or something. But they didn't do that, and by 2014, nobody was interested in dark, bloody neo-noir anymore - we all wanted bright and colorful and fun, which is exactly what Sin City is not. Absolutely no one wanted to see Sin City 2, and people voted with their dollars, and this nine-years-too-late sequel tanked at the box office (and with critics).

Apparently, they're now making a "soft reboot" for TV. I think I just burst a lung with my heaving sigh.


Doug's First Movie (1999)

Doug's 1st Movie Poster.jpg

Do I even need to comment on this? I can't get over it. The absolute hubris of naming your movie "So-and-so's First Movie"... it's unbelievable. Suffice to say that Doug's Second Movie was never released.


The Mortal Instruments (2013)

At the front on the right is a girl, with 4 more people behind her, each further away. A rune or smybol can be seen in clouds against the yellow sky.

Remember that glut of Twilight ripoffs I mentioned earlier? This, Beautiful Creatures, The Host, and Vampire Academy were sadly stillborn in the womb and just didn't make it. I chose The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones to represent the sub-genre of "shitty YA adaptations" because it's probably the most well-known.

The book series The Mortal Instruments is probably the The Room of YA fantasy and I strongly encourage everyone to read it. But unfortunately, this novel series' particular brand of absurdly sexual and insanely melodramatic urban fantasy schlock did not translate to the big screen. It got abysmal reviews, and was thrashed at the box office by an assortment of better movies, including but not limited to We're the Millers, a movie about Jennifer Aniston and Jason Sudeikis pretending to be married so they can sneak across the border to sell weed or something like that.

In any case, plans for a sequel were made, then swiftly abandoned. Now there's a TV series based on these books that has absolutely nothing to do with the movie. In their quest to be the next Twilight, many films have failed and none have succeeded. Maybe we need a reboot of Vampires Suck to get us all back into the vampire groove again. (If any Hollywood executives are reading this: I was KIDDING. Please don't.)


Oz the Great and Powerful (2013)

Oz - The Great and Powerful Poster.jpg

This is an interesting case. This movie was pretty popular, grossed according to expectations, and should probably have three sequels and a spinoff by now. But it doesn't.

Why, you ask? Frankly, I have no idea. No one knows why Oz the Great and Powerful failed to launch a franchise. It's not like there's a shortage of Oz material to choose from - there's like three dozen books they could adapt, and several movies they could reboot. But despite all these reasons to make a sequel - chief of which is, of course, money money money money - Sam Raimi has just never got around to it. I guess he's busy doing...

...nothing?

I don't know if we will ever get a sequel to Oz the Great and Powerful, and I couldn't care less. Even if a sequel does come out, it'll probably (read: definitely) be an Alice Through the Looking Glass situation, where they waited too long and the public just doesn't care anymore. I know I don't. (I stopped caring the second I stepped out of the theater, if not before.)


The Huntsman (2012-2016)


This one just freaking baffles me. So in 2011, there were two Snow White movies, and Snow White & the Huntsman was definitely more successful. Not only was it mildly popular on its own, but interest in this movie was boosted by two factors: 1) Kristen Stewart, fresh out of Twilight, was in it. 2) Kristen Stewart cheated on Edward with the director of this movie, and for about 15 minutes, it was the biggest scandal that had ever happened.

So, Snow White & the Huntsman was a pretty big success. And what did they do for a sequel? They fucked up. First of all, they waited four years to make the damn thing. Secondly, they kicked Kristen Stewart out (ostensibly because of the whole got-caught-making-out-with-Rupert-Sanders thing). Instead, they made it into a prequel focused on Chris Hemsworth's character, the Huntsman.

Yeah. I don't get it either.

To no one's surprise, this Snow White movie that lacked Snow White was not any kind of success. It made a lot less than the first one (though on a smaller budget) and was soundly rejected by critics. And look, I think we can all agree this sequel/prequel/whatever was entirely unnecessary. Nobody wanted this. No one asked for this. And now that audiences have spoken, I'm all but certain that this franchise is dead in the dust.


Independence Day (1996-2016)


This is not a case of "they waited too long." Despite the length between the two sequels being twenty years, I don't think there was a lack of interest in an Independence Day sequel. This was THE movie of the 90s. Everyone was all for it.

No, this is a case of many different factors. Starting with this: when Will Smith wanted $50 million to come back, 20th Century Fox was like, "Nope." And thus, we got a Will Smith-less Independence Day. That's like a Harrison Ford-less Indiana Jones. There is no point.

If that wasn't enough, the movie was kind of terrible, and word-of-mouth doubtlessly sabotaged it. You know what made the first one great? Humor, heart, and horror. The movie was hilarious, yet you still cared for every one of the characters, and the disaster scenes really felt like something was being destroyed, like something precious was at stake. Maybe it was the practical effects. While the sequel ramps the disaster scenes up to 11, it lacks a soul and characters worth caring about. Oh, and the CGI was kind of awful. That probably didn't help.

While there were originally supposed to be two more sequels, the disheartening lack of three ingredients - Will Smith, a decent script, and an audience who gave a damn - means that we haven't heard any news about potential follow-ups in nigh on two years. And I don't know if we ever will.


The Muppets (1950s-2016)


This one makes me sad, because I really, genuinely feel like the Muppets are dying. And of course that goddamn makes me sad. I'm a human being, not an emotionless rock.

After spending the better part of a century engaged in the art of singing, dancing, being generally freaking hilarious, and entertaining several generations of kids, the Muppets have had a series of fails lately. First, their most recent movie Muppets Most Wanted - which, by the way, was great and you should watch it - did poorly at the box office. Secondly, their new TV series The Muppets - which, by the way, was great and you should watch it - was canceled after a season of low ratings.

Then, there was this big controversy where longtime Kermit performer Steve Whitmire got unceremoniously sacked, and damn, it was ugly. And since he got fired, I saw Kermit the Frog appear on some show or another - honestly can't remember which - and the new performer just cannot get Kermit the Frog's voice right. It was awful. It was a truly satanic experience for someone like me who grew up on the Muppets. It's like a 60s kid being forced to watch Mr. Rogers get skinned and replaced with a pod person. Since The Muppets got canceled and Muppets Most Wanted failed, it's been all quiet on the Muppet front.

All this came after the Muppets unexpectedly resurged in 2011 following a decade-plus of near-inactivity. Their brief period of newfound (oldfound?) popularity was very short-lived, and that just makes me sad. The Muppets are truly great, and they always will be. I just hope they never stop coming out with Muppet movies to make me smile. Oh, and apparently they're rebooting The Muppet Show for Disney's version of Netflix, so we'll see how that goes. It's not over yet.

I just hope I look back on my inclusion of this franchise on this list, and have to grin about how wrong I was.


21 Jump Street (2012-2014)



Boy, there is absolutely no fucking excuse for letting this one die. We should be anticipating the release of goddamn 24 Jump Street right now. And I'm not even a fan, I'm just aghast at how this franchise has been allowed to languish in development hell. WHY?

After the second movie garnered critical acclaim (pretty rare for a raunchy comedy) and grossed over $300 million, there should have been absolutely no question that another sequel was in order. But instead, there's been talk about, "Oh, let's do a Men in Black crossover," and "Oh, let's do a female reboot," and now both of those projects are burning in development hell, and oh my goooddddd you fucking fooooools.

21 Jump Street is a CASH COW. Not only that, it's a critically acclaimed comedy cash cow. It's a unicorn in the fucking desert. Get Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum on the phone immediately and beg and grovel for their returns. I order you, Hollywood. Get this done. I absolutely forbid this successful franchise from being abandoned for NO fucking reason. This is heinous.


The Smurfs (2011-2017)



Hey, are you aware that 2011's The Smurfs grossed over $500 MILLION? Well, now you are.

After making two Smurfs movies - the first one being financially successful, the second one being a disappointment, and both were critically despised - Sony threw up their hands and went, "Well, no one said we couldn't reboot this thing." (By the way, Despicable Me 2 is responsible for killing The Smurfs 2. That's about the only good thing that has ever come from Despicable Me.)

And so, in 2017, we got a completely animated reboot of The Smurfs, which was called Smurfs: The Lost Village. This reboot returned to the cartoonish origins of the original Smurfs, but that didn't help it much. Because there is a god in heaven, the reboot also bombed, making hundreds of millions less than its predecessor. With a 38% on Rotten Tomatoes, The Lost Village was apparently way better than the other ones, but it still won't be getting a sequel with box office takings like those. There are currently no plans for more Smurfs stuff.

Honestly? Did anyone in the world even like the Smurfs to begin with? Let them die. No one wants them.


The Dark Universe (2014 - present?)



I waffled on including this on my list, because the Dark Universe isn't offically dead. According to most reports, Universal is still desperately trying to make this a thing. But in my opinion, this franchise has been fizzling since it began, and no amount of attempts to make a MCU-style shared universe of monster movies is going to make this stillborn mistake come together.

In 2014, Dracula Untold came out, part of an attempt on Universal's part to make a common universe of rebooted monster movies. And truth be told, Dracula Untold was... not that bad. It was a perfectly serviceable medieval gothic monster movie, and I kind of enjoyed it. But it didn't make great numbers at the box office, and critics were like "Ehhhh."

Ultimately, Universal decided to forget Dracula Untold even happened, and declared 2017's The Mummy to be the actual start of the Dark Universe. BIG mistake. The Mummy was universally (ha!) decried as horrendously awful, failed to make enough money to cover high production and marketing costs, and since its disastrous release, news about the Dark Universe has been sparse.

They're apparently now trying to make a Bride of Frankenstein reboot, but I don't see Tom Cruise and Russell Crowe returning for this. (Crowe's Jekyll/Hyde is supposed to be the common link between the movies, like this universe's version of Phil Coulson or something.) Given the failure of its two movies so far, and the general lack of audience/critical interest in this franchise, I wouldn't bet a nickel on the success of the Dark Universe. It's just an embarrassment.

I think we can test the success of future shared universes by rating them on a scale with MCU at the top, DCEU in the middle, and Dark Universe at the very bottom.


And that's my list. Stay tuned, because I may post a follow-up list of pre-2013 fizzled franchises. Lord knows there's a lot of material to choose from.

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