SHADY MOVIE LISTS: 2019's most unnecessary films

Yes, it's me, back from my hiatus to roast 2019 into oblivion. Just in time for the new year!
For real, I cannot fucking believe it's almost 2019 already. How time flies! It feels like just yesterday we were all worrying about 2012 being the end of the universe. I'm not kidding either. 2012 literally feels like yesterday.

No, not that 2012.

That's it.

So, with twenty-gayteen waving goodbye and twenty-biteen just around the corner, I took a peek at Wikipedia's 2019 in film list. And... hoo, boy. It's a doozy. There are a lot of movies coming out next year that, put quite simply, do not fucking need to exist whatsoever. No one asked for them, no one wants them, and their very existence is liable to make you say, "Huh?" But nonetheless, Hollywood is gifting them unto us. If you can call it a gift.

Without further ado, let's take a look at 2019's most completely unnecessary movies.

What Men Want

I guess Hollywood decided that we were all clamoring for a gender-swapped remake of Mel Gibson's dimly-remembered 2000 comedy What Women Want. Because here it is. If anyone can make it work, it's Taraji P. Henson, but how can you not have doubts?

I don't even have anything else to say, short of commenting on the extremely clever poster with the two balls and whatnot. I mean... WHY is this happening? That's my main question. Did women want this? Did men want this? Did non-binary people want this? Did anybody fucking want this? 

Cold Pursuit

I almost don't want to include Cold Pursuit on this list, simply because I have so much goddamn respect for its premise. But I'm going to include it on my list anyway because, well, this movie is definitely unnecessary. No one needs this to happen. Or maybe we all need it to happen. I don't know. I don't have the answers. 

Let us discuss the plot. In the tradition of all the other "Liam Neeson gets revenge and beats people over a fucking billfold" movies, Cold Pursuit is about Liam Neeson seeking revenge for the death of his son at the hands of gangsters. And did I mention he's a vengeful snowplow driver. Who gets revenge with the use of his snowplow. Holy Christ on a cracker. These Liam Neeson revenge movies are getting WAY the fuck out of hand. 

This premise is so wackadoo insane that I'm frankly rooting for it to succeed. Please make $200 million, Cold Pursuit. I want to be sitting in theaters two years from now watching Cold Pursuit 2: Cool Runnings. 

Dumbo

I'm not gonna waste time explaining why this is unnecessary. I trust you, reader, are intelligent enough to figure out why we don't need a gritty live-action/CGI Tim Burton reboot of Dumbo.

UglyDolls

I have to admit, the tagline, "And sew it begins," did pull a laugh out of me. But I suspect that's the last time I'm ever going to experience a single ounce of joy due to UglyDolls.

Apparently, UglyDolls are a brand of doll, which I'd never heard of before this movie was announced. I guess because I'm not six. Anyway, I'm pretty sure the movie UglyDolls owes its existence to two simple factors. 1) The movie Trolls (2016) exists. 2) Troublemaker Studios wanted to experiment with how many pop stars they could possibly fit in one film. Seriously. This fucking thing stars Kelly Clarkson, Nick Jonas, Pitbull, Blake Shelton, Janelle Monae, Bebe Rexha, Charli XCX, AND Lizzo! LIZZO! For god's sake, when they start shoehorning fucking Lizzo into throwaway kids' movies, you know things are getting serious.

And yes, that's right, Troublemaker Studios is producing this. Y'know. Robert Rodriguez's Troublemaker Studios. No, I don't know what the hell is happening, either.

Side note: here's a bop.

Aladdin

It was actually 2019's Aladdin reboot that inspired me to write this list in the first place. Today (Dec. 19, 2018), the first images from this reboot were dropped, and we got our very first peek at Will Smith as the Genie.

 It... did not go over well.

Yeah.

Anyway. There are a myriad of reasons why this didn't need to happen. I'm staunchly on the side of Disney purism, or an attitude of "we don't need these fucking reboots and put them all back where they came from or so help me." You'll see another Disney reboot (sigh) later on this list. Since 2010's Alice in Wonderland bored audiences all around the world out of $1 billion, Disney has been cranking out reboot after reboot, but sadly, only one of them (The Jungle Book), in my opinion, was actually great or added anything interesting to the original. The others are CGI-heavy borefests that rely on nostalgia to squeeze a few dollars out of you. It's corporate intellectual banktrupcy and we can't stand for it any longer, goddammit!

Anyway. Back to Aladdin. I really love the 1992 original, and god knows I love Will Smith, but I just can't muster any sense of excitement for this - and I'm pretty sure everyone else shares my sentiment. It looks bland, boring, unworthy of anyone's time. Also... Christ, that genie. Robin Williams is turning in his grave.

A Dog's Journey

Even though this completely unwarranted sequel to 2017's A Dog's Purpose is coming out in only a few months, there aren't any posters for it yet. There are, however, posters for A Dog's Way Home, a completely-unrelated but mysteriously identical upcoming movie that's gonna confuse a lot of viewers into buying a ticket.

Neither of these movies needed to happen. We truly don't need any more movies about dogs. Unless Disney feels like rebooting 101 Dalmations into a soulless CGI nightmare-fest. And all I've gotta say is, thank god that's not happeni....

There truly is no God.

Dark Phoenix

At this point, even if all the stars aligned perfectly, I'm pretty sure it's impossible to get me - or anyone, for that matter - hyped about a Dark Phoenix movie from Fox. They've dropped the ball on this franchise so many times that, even as a longtime fan, I'm prepared to say, "Let it die." It doesn't help that for some fucking reason, they decided to give the director's chair... to the guy who wrote X-Men: The Last Stand. That's right: Simon Kinberg, the guy who killed the entire damn concept of the Dark Phoenix and salted the Earth behind it. I have no idea the reasoning behind this decision.

Given the lukewarm reception to the other recent X-Men movies, as well as casting Sophie Turner - who, no offense, has all the charisma of a sodden dish towel - as the lead, I'm pretty sure Dark Phoenix isn't gonna be a surefire hit. I was never enamored of the reboot cast to begin with, and the fact that this movie doesn't star any of the original cast isn't exactly a draw for me. I just... really don't want to see this. I don't give a shit.

If you know me, you know I'm not too big on reboots, but I'm gonna say this nonetheless. Now that Disney owns the X-Men, can we finally forget the misshapen Fox era and just move on with a reboot of the franchise? Please?

The Lion King

You know in the original Lion King, where Simba and Mufasa are talking about how "everything the light touches" is their kingdom, but Mufasa warns Simba never to go to the shadowy place, because it's beyond their borders? Yeah, well, The Lion King 2019 is the shadowy place.

Just... god.

Dora the Explorer

WHY? On so many levels, what the fuck? This show has been off the air for years! Nobody cares about Dora anymore! No one was ever asking for an Indiana Jones-esque adventure movie about her! And... with Benicio del Toro as Swiper the Fox?? What the hell???? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING???? Am I having a fucking stroke?????

Playmobil: The Movie

I'm so tired.

Angel Has Fallen

I'm still baffled about the success of this franchise. Firstly, I'm baffled that, between two identical movies about the White House being attacked, with one starring Channing Tatum/Jamie Foxx and the other starring Gerard Butler/Aaron Eckhart, the goddamn Butler/Eckhart movie is the one that's still getting sequels! Secondly, I'm baffled that the second movie - despite the fact that no one talked about it - managed to gross more than the first, enough so that they made a third one!

And thirdly, I'm baffled that the presidents in these goddamn movies keep getting attacked! First, the Aaron Eckhart president loses his wife in a car crash and barely escapes with his life. Then, the North Koreans attack the White House, and he barely escapes with his life again. Then, terrorists attack London while he's visiting, and he barely escapes with his life yet again. And now in this new movie, Morgan Freeman is president and terrorists attack Air Force One!!! What is going on? The Has Fallen universe is perhaps the most dangerous cinematic 'verse since alternate 1985 from Back to the Future Part II!!!

Joker

God, I wish Hollywood would just lose its obsession with the freaking Joker. The Joker is not all that. Please stop trying to make the Joker happen. He's not gonna happen.

But yes, in their infinite wisdom, the bigwigs have decided to bestow upon us yet another iteration of the Joker. This time, the dark and edgy villain is played by Joaquin Phoenix for some fucking reason (just thank god it's not Jared Leto), and directed by the dude behind the three Hangover movies and War Dogs.

I mean. What could go wrong?

Frozen 2

There's no official poster for Frozen 2 yet, so I decided to use this joke poster from like two years ago. Hey, it's not like this franchise deserves any better.

I feel like, as a society and a continent, we're just now starting to recover from Frozen fever. The rampant marketing/merchandising is beginning to fade away. We no longer see Anna and Elsa's faces on everything; they're pretty much relegated to the kids' section. Not every little girl in the universe is singing "Let It Go" at this point anymore, thank god. Even better, instead of being delighted by new Frozen releases such as Frozen Fever or Olaf's Frozen Adventure, people reacted with indifference and even annoyance. We were starting to heal, for god's sake. We could, to quote a colloquialism, finally let it go.

And now... Frozen 2 comes along.

Oh, I'm sure this sequel will introduce another earworm song and another adorable Minions-like character à la Olaf. I'm sure everyone will be dancing and singing along. I'm sure this sequel will make billions upon billions of dollars and break every box office record there is. But beyond that, story-wise, why was this necessary? Wasn't Anna and Elsa's story wrapped up with a neat little bow? Narratively, where the fuck is there to go? Frozen - that annoying, exasperating, barely-tolerable juggernaut - will be reignited, and for what? Nobody really needs this sequel. Nobody except Disney.