Now, we finally get to see if I was right! Hell yes! Will I become the smuggest person in Canada, or will I be sheepishly eating crow? Let's find out.
2018's sequels
Avengers: Infinity War
Rotten Tomatoes prediction: 85%
Actual RT score: 85%. All hail the psychic Shady, seer of futures, prophet of visions.
Box office prediction: More than $1 billion
Actual gross: Well, duh. $2.048 billion.
General thoughts: I'm actually not sure what to say about Infinity War. Yeah, it did awesome, and yeah, fans loved it, and yeah, it blew everybody's mind. Now we're all moving on to Endgame, because this franchise is all about setting up the sequels. I will say that I'm not impressed with how Endgame seems poised to nullify all the events of its predecessor and bring everybody back to life. With that being the case, in the grand scheme of Marvel, Infinity War means pretty much nothing. But hey, as long as we get to see our favorite characters come back, who cares about emotional stakes?
Jeez. And I'm not even a Marvel fan or anything.
Jeez. And I'm not even a Marvel fan or anything.
Rotten Tomatoes prediction: Higher than 80%
Actual RT score: 83%. Pretty much what I was expecting.
Box office prediction: $1 billion
Actual gross: $767 million. I was a tad too optimistic here.
General thoughts: I could not give less of a single shit about Deadpool. The Merc with a Mouth is taking all the goddamn fun out of meta. I want nothing to do with that bastard. Peace the fuck out.
Incredibles 2
Rotten Tomatoes prediction: 95%
Actual RT score: 93%; I overshot here. Nonetheless, not bad.
Box office prediction: $800 million
Actual gross: Hahahahaha. I thought the most anticipated animated sequel of all time would make a mere $800 million? Past Shady, you imbecile. Incredibles 2 grossed $1.2 billion and became the fourth-highest grossing film of 2018. Again: not bad.
General thoughts: I've had some time to think about Incredibles 2 since my less-than-stellar review of that film came out last June. It's... okay. Nothing more, nothing less, just a perfectly adequate cinematic experience. It's a prime example of Pixar phoning it in: even when they're on autopilot, they still deliver better than almost any other studio could hope to achieve.
Except Sony, apparently.
Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom
Rotten Tomatoes prediction: 75%
Actual RT score: Man, too optimistic. This movie scored a lowly 48% on Rotten Tomatoes to become the lowest-rated entry in the franchise. Yes, even lower than Jurassic World III. Damn. How do you fuck up that badly?
Box office prediction: $1 billion
Actual gross: $1.309 billion. Pretty close.
General thoughts: I just don't know what to say about this trainwreck at this point. Kill it with fire, maybe? Just think about it: we could actually have cool dinosaur movies, if only this stupid damn franchise didn't have a monopoly on the Mesozoic. There is precisely one good entry in the Jurassic Park series, after almost thirty years, and I think that's enough to say "end it." But as long as the dollars keep rolling in, this gravy train will never stop.
The First Purge
Rotten Tomatoes prediction: 55%
Actual RT score: 54%. Huh!
Box office prediction: $120 million
Actual gross: $137 million - not too shabby. (For them. Not for my prediction skills.)
General thoughts: As long as they keep making Purge movies, the people will keep coming to see them. Apparently, the same isn't true for Purge TV shows. Yes, that's right, they made a television series out of The Purge. No, I don't know why either.
The Purge actually has a really awesome mythology behind it - there's a reason the idea of a "Purge" has entered the collective consciousness. Now, if they'd actually start pairing said awesome mythology with awesome movies, rather than a series of exceedingly mediocre slasher flicks, we'd be on the right track. But alas.
Ant-Man and the Wasp
Rotten Tomatoes prediction: 85%
Actual RT score: 88%, guess I was feeling a little too pessimistic.
Box office prediction: $700 million
Actual gross: $622 million. Not quite, but close.
General thoughts: I haven't yet gotten around to seeing this one. I probably should. The first one was hilarious and so entertaining, and I mean that genuinely. And I just freakin' love the concept of shrinking things.
Not in a weird fetish way. I swear to god.
Hotel Transylvania: Summer Vacation
Rotten Tomatoes prediction: 55%
Actual RT score: 60%; I was too pessimistic.
Box office prediction: $500 million
Actual gross: $528 million. Not a bad stab in the dark, on my part.
General thoughts: The Hotel Transylvania movies are in a league all their own: they look weird, they have weird plots and weird comedy, and they're also weird in that they're Adam Sandler movies that somehow don't suck, which is a huge feat on its own. This franchise is out here, doing its own thing, chilling, not giving a fuck. I can respect that. And according to critics and audiences, they just keep getting better, so more power to them.
The Equalizer 2
Rotten Tomatoes prediction: 50%
Actual RT score: 51%, I was right on the money.
Box office prediction: $150 million
Actual gross: $190 million
General thoughts: Real talk - when I first wrote this section, I had a snarky line about The Equalizer being the black Taken. But after... y'know... that whole Liam Neeson thing, I'm obviously not gonna make that joke. Since Liam Neeson is now 1000% cancelled, The Equalizer isn't "the black Taken," it's just the new Taken. It can have that mantle.
I know what you're thinking, "But isn't John Wick the new Taken?" And the answer is no. John Wick is just John Wick. If anything he's the new Chuck Norris.
...I'm not sure if anything I typed just now is even mildly coherent. Moving the fuck on.
Mission: Impossible - Fallout
Rotten Tomatoes prediction: 90% or more
Actual RT score: 97%
Box office prediction: $700 million
Actual gross: $791 million, my guess was a little off.
General thoughts: I didn't write a review of this movie because, well, I wasn't sure how I could write 300+ words of "It was pretty and the action was nice." It was just... fine. I absolutely don't think it was the best in the series: it lacked humor and heart, and there were several plot threads/lines that just led nowhere. But it was fine. Perfectly adequate. Whatever.
Johnny English Strikes Again
Rotten Tomatoes prediction: 35%
Actual RT score: 36%. Close enough.
Box office prediction: $160 million
Actual gross: $158 million. Close enough.
General thoughts: I actually saw this movie in theaters. I fell asleep. And it's not the first time I've fallen asleep watching a Johnny English movie, let me tell you that much. (Seriously. It's not.) The parts I was awake for were actually pretty funny. I'm sure they'll come out with a fourth one in seven or eight years, and when that arrives, god willing, I'll fall asleep watching it, too.
Rotten Tomatoes prediction: 75%
Actual RT score: 70%
Box office prediction: $700 million
Actual gross: $393 million. LOL, Shady, you optimistic fool.
General thoughts: I have complicated thoughts about Solo. I generally don't care about Star Wars, and I especially think we didn't need a Han Solo movie, and I especially especially think we didn't need a Han Solo movie starring Alden fucking Ehrenreich, and especially especially especially not one directed by Ron fucking Howard when it could've been directed by goddamn Lord and Miller (I mean come on! Come on, people!), and especially especially especially especially not one whose main female character is essentially Brown-Haired Ambiguously British Woman #5. (#6 if you count Keira Knightley. Who, yes, was in Star Wars. Make of that what you will.)
But at the same time, despite all this foolishness, there are a few factors that make me want to like Solo. Chiefly: incels on Reddit hate it. And anything that incels on Reddit hate, I make a point out of liking. Female Ghostbusters. She-Ra. Basic personal hygiene. You get the gist.
Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald
Rotten Tomatoes prediction: 70%
Actual RT score: 37%. Yikes.
Box office prediction: $800 million
Actual gross: $653 million, I was way off the mark.
General thoughts: J.K. Rowling has spent over 20 years writing stupid things and talking out of her ass; but it was only in the past six or seven years, sometime following the invention of Twitter, that her fans finally started to realize, "Wow, this woman is kind of an idiot." Actually, she's big enough of an idiot that her idiocy has reached meme status among certain corners of the internet. (AKA, the whole entire internet. Just... the whole thing.)
But despite that fact, Rowling has grown too powerful and cannot be stopped from writing film adaptations of her own work. And yea verily, it was only inevitable that somewhere down the line, a Wizarding World movie would turn out to be a complete bust.
From everything I've heard, Crimes of Grindelwald is an absolute nonsensical mess whose convoluted plot only servers to set up future sequels, which will, no doubt, also be nonsensical messes. Critics and audiences soundly rejected this dud, leading it to become the lowest-rated film in the franchise both critically and commercially. This is the result of letting Rowling write movies as well as books. And I mean, c'mon, people, she was already bad enough at the latter.
Rotten Tomatoes prediction: 70%
Actual RT score: 37%. Yikes.
Box office prediction: $800 million
Actual gross: $653 million, I was way off the mark.
General thoughts: J.K. Rowling has spent over 20 years writing stupid things and talking out of her ass; but it was only in the past six or seven years, sometime following the invention of Twitter, that her fans finally started to realize, "Wow, this woman is kind of an idiot." Actually, she's big enough of an idiot that her idiocy has reached meme status among certain corners of the internet. (AKA, the whole entire internet. Just... the whole thing.)
But despite that fact, Rowling has grown too powerful and cannot be stopped from writing film adaptations of her own work. And yea verily, it was only inevitable that somewhere down the line, a Wizarding World movie would turn out to be a complete bust.
From everything I've heard, Crimes of Grindelwald is an absolute nonsensical mess whose convoluted plot only servers to set up future sequels, which will, no doubt, also be nonsensical messes. Critics and audiences soundly rejected this dud, leading it to become the lowest-rated film in the franchise both critically and commercially. This is the result of letting Rowling write movies as well as books. And I mean, c'mon, people, she was already bad enough at the latter.
Bomb Predictions
Well, did it bomb?: Nope - while it grossed less than its predecessor, it was still a success.
General thoughts: I guess I really underestimated the power of horny middle-aged white ladies. This movie didn't bomb by any stretch of the imagination. Horny middle-aged white ladies, I will never ever doubt your spending power again.
Peter Rabbit
Well, did it bomb?: (Deep ragged inhale) ...no. It did not. At all. It made a lot of money. Which means we're probably gonna have to sit through six more of these things.
General thoughts: I don't care that Peter Rabbit was, apparently, way better than everyone thought it would be. I really don't. I am still diametrically opposed to this reboot and I will stand firm and stick to my guns, goddammit.
Gnome Alone
Well, did it bomb?: Yes and no. It was never even released theatrically in the United States, being released on Netflix instead. But outside the US, it fared very poorly.
General thoughts: I... guess I'm glad that Josh Peck and George Lopez are still getting work? I dunno, man. What can I say about this movie? That it's basically Trollhunters but with gnomes instead of trolls? Whatever, man. We do not need another talking-gnome movie. We never did. We never will.
Sherlock Gnomes
Well, did it bomb?: Mmhm. Really, really badly.
General thoughts: This movie has some issues. A) It's Sherlock Holmes but with gnomes and Romeo and Juliet are also involved for some reason. B) ...and Sherlock is played by Johnny Depp at the absolute lowest point in his career since before he was even out of the fucking womb. C) It also has a character named "Mankini" whose entire shtick is that he runs around wearing a thong mankini. Sherlock Gnomes was doomed from the start.
A Wrinkle in Time
Well, did it bomb?: Resoundingly yes.
General thoughts: Remember what I said earlier about those damn Reddit incels? This is another case of that. I don't know why idiot men decided to hate this movie. Because it's about a bunch of women? Because not all of those women are white? Yeah, those seem like good enough reasons for the kind of people who think "soy boy" is a cool phrase to say in polite society. In any case, this movie lost a lot of money. I still haven't seen it, but from what I've seen, it looks like a cool way to spend 109 minutes.
Oh, and in my original review, I said, "Yes, that's right, I have not read A Wrinkle in Time. Sue my ass." Well, I'm happy to report that, over a year later, I've read a few pages of this book. That doesn't particularly mean anything. Just a little update on my sad, miserable excuse for a life.
Super Troopers 2
Well, did it bomb?: Sadly no, but I still think we're never gonna get a third one of these. Which... thank god.
General thoughts: No one asked for this.
The Cloverfield Paradox
Well, did it bomb?: Depends on your definition of "bomb." It was never released in theaters - for obvious reasons. Instead it was released on Netflix. However, it did bomb badly with critics and audiences.
General thoughts: I would really rather pretend that this never happened. Please.
Mowgli: Legend of the Jungle
Well, did it bomb?: Coincidentally, like the movie above, Mowgli never saw the light of day in theaters - instead, it was sold to Netflix. So the answer is a hearty "I dunno."
General thoughts: Apparently, Mowgli was super dark, gritty and violent. Which.... okay, whatever We didn't need a dark, gritty live-action reboot of The Jungle Book. We literally already had one. Enough with this foolishness.
Ready Player One
Well, did it bomb?: Nope, it made a lotta moola.
General thoughts: Between this, Ralph Breaks the Internet, Pixels, Deadpool, and so forth, I'm worried we're gonna see a huge trend of movies who are more interested in referencing better movies than actually being good original movies themselves. It's... sad. I have pretty much no interest in that.
Early Man
Well, did it bomb?: Yes, sad to say.
General thoughts: This movie was clever and witty as fuck, and I really hope its failure doesn't mean Aardman is circling the drain. People, you need to go fucking see Aardman movies in theaters. I am begging you. BEGGING.
Annihilation
Well, did it bomb?: Yup.
General thoughts: Annihilation looks weird and scary as all hell. I've watched the bear scene approximately 953 times on YouTube, and I'm planning on making it 954. With that being said, it's obvious why this movie failed: cerebral, introspective, weird-ass sci-fi has never been a mainstay at the box office. Nonetheless, I hope they keep making it.
Pacific Rim: Uprising
Well, did it bomb?: Does a Jaeger shit in the woods? (Yes. Yes, it bombed.)
General thoughts: I saw this movie. It was like... fine. I'm pissed about some of the narrative decisions that it made, and the characters weren't particularly interesting and the plot was nothing special, but like, it was an adequate way to waste 111 minutes of my precious lifespan. That being said, the original Pacific Rim was lightning in a bottle, and I don't blame audiences for failing to show up for this lukewarm sequel.
I'm sad to report there is no moment in Uprising where someone uses a freighter as a baseball bat. However, there is a moment where somebody plays the "Trololo" song, so... that's something.
Rampage
Well, did it bomb?: Nope, did quite well.
General thoughts: Wikipedia provided me with the following quote: "[Rampage] is the all-time best reviewed film based on an arcade game, currently with a 52% on review aggregator Rotten Tomatoes."
I will say nothing further.
Alita: Battle Angel
Well, did it bomb?: Not applicable. They pushed back the release date of this movie, so that it came out in 2019 instead of 2018. But from the way it's looking, no, Alita will not end up being a bomb. Which is a real shocker. Let's just count this as a loss for me.
General thoughts: Remember Chuckesmee, the horrifying doll that they were going to use in Twilight: Breaking Dawn, before they came to their fucking senses?
This is her now. Feel old yet?
The Spy Who Dumped Me
Well, did it bomb?: Ehhh, not horribly, but it certainly underperformed. Let's just say no.
General thoughts: I totally forgot this movie existed until checking these lists again. Good for it, I guess.
Johnny English Strikes Again
Well, did it bomb?: I don't know how the hell I predicted this movie would gross $160 million and also it predicted it would bomb. The utter cognitive dissonance. Anyway, it didn't fail.
General thoughts: I already listed my basic thoughts above. I fell asleep watching this, but the parts for which I was awake were kind of funny. The restaurant scene in particular was hilarious. It was just... so goddamn boring.
Will Shady eat crow?
No. Not really. I'm not serious. In case you thought I was.
Right predictions: Around 13 for the sequels list, and 5 for the bombs list.
Wrong predictions: Around 11 for the sequels list and 8 for the bombs list.
"It was released on Netflix so who knows" count: 3
Conclusion: Shady knows nothing and you probably shouldn't listen to her.
Another bombs/sequels list may or may not be coming soon. In the meantime, thanks for reading.
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